I should probably start this off with one, minor disclaimer: I have blogged about my husband before. I have blogged about your husband before. I am honest and blunt. I am not bashing. I am not talking crap. I am being truthful and real – things very few people seem to remember how to do anymore. If you don’t like my opinions or my feelings, by all means – you are entitled to yours. That doesn’t make mine wrong, though; and it doesn’t make me bad for being honest. I will repeat: I am not a bad person or a bad wife for being honest. And, more than anything: if Poor Nick didn’t want me to be honest about this stuff, he probably shouldn’t have done any of it.
The story of my husband and I – up to this point, that is – begins and ends with a cupcake.
When we first started seeing each other, Poor Nick told me that he really liked tiramisu. Those of you that’s aren’t bakers may not know this, but tiramisu is an incredibly difficult, expensive, and time-consuming thing to make. At one point, he was going to make dinner, so I decided to make a tiramisu cupcake for him. I spent close to eight hours baking that thing. When I got there, he had made a box of Macaroni and Cheese. His response when I finally asked if he liked it, since he’d said nothing? “Yeah, I mean it’s just a typical tiramisu.”
Flash forward to now, years later. The other day I was baking cupcakes for multiple occasions. It started with just my book club, but then I decided to bake a double batch since a friend was coming over for dinner and, also, so that Poor Nick would have some he could take to work. So what started as a batch of about 8 turned into a batch of 22. That night at dinner, he (of course) said nothing about the meal or the dessert I had prepared, and it was only when I asked that he responded “yeah it’s fine but it’s nothing special.”
Many of you (as faithful blog followers) will recall my blog last week when I talked about my hair appointment, which included my husband telling me that the photo I sent him didn’t “really do you any justice.” It wasn’t just about what he said, but about how he said it. Whatever his intentions may have been, what it sounded like was “wow – that photo is not doing you any favors, you should probably delete that from existence.”
I still got some comments, though, defending Poor Nick.
I thought about it more while I baked those “nothing special” cupcakes this week. While I baked those cupcakes, I thought about how if only things were different all along, I may not have taken it so personally.
If only that comment about the photo of my hair were just a fluke. If only he had told me I looked beautiful or nice or good in recent memory. If only Poor Nick had told me more than once in our entire time of knowing each other that I “look beautiful.” If only on our wedding day he had mustered more of a compliment than “those earrings are elegant.”
If only I could remember the last time he told me he loved me.
Maybe if my husband brought me flowers like other husbands do. Maybe if when I work really hard to make a delicious meal I didn’t have to fish for compliments, or if only he’d just smile and say “this is great, I want more!” Maybe when I spent an entire day cleaning the house from top to bottom, it wasn’t met with “you didn’t do anything out of the ordinary.” Maybe if Poor Nick greeted me with a hug and a kiss after getting home from work once in a while, instead of what he does do – which is go to visit the guinea pig and then ask where his dinner is.
Maybe – just maybe – if I could picture in my memory a time when he told me he loved me, I wouldn’t have taken that comment about the photo of my hair so personally.
You can see that this issue is much bigger than the cupcakes or any stupid comments about a photograph of my hair. I’m not interested in nonsense about how much he is my rock, or how much I don’t appreciate him – because, sadly, this has been going on all along. And while this is a pretty big deal, it is also only a small part of our marriage.
One of his friends once said to me that if I stopped “bashing” him he may be more inclined to treat me like a woman deserved of love and respect. But since when was being honest and expressing feelings “bashing?” And when one is silent about what they feel is wrong, they are the problem.
But communication about feelings and thoughts has always been met by Poor Nick with the real issue: he is a man and must do what many men today do, which is deny the existence and importance of women. You can see, now, why I call him “My Husband the Misogynist;” and now you understand how he is waging the War Against Women in my very own home.
This reignited War Against Women is about nothing more than invalidating the existence of women. Just because women wanted equal pay and the right to vote, though, did not mean that the appropriate response was to stop treating them like women.
In my own home, the war against women is being waged by my husband every day.
Just like the War Against Women in politics wants to deny women control over their own bodies, my husband wages that war on me and my body all the time. Just the other day, I threw out a nicknack we have had forever because it had sharp points that had rusted, and I cut myself on them three times. It was dangerous to have around and after the third – major – gash, I decided that when I was considering going to the doctor, it was time for the thing to go. He got so mad at me, though, for throwing it out because he thought we could find a solution. What was his solution, you ask? “You could just go get a tetanus shot whenever you cut yourself on it.” Are you kidding me?
Just like the War Against Women in politics wants to deny women their femininity as wives and mothers by devaluing the role of mother or stay at home housewife, my husband wages that war on me every day. He sits at work all day reading articles on LA Times and shooting the breeze with various people that come through their office, while I clean for six hours, cook for four, homeschool, and run errands; and he comes home to tell me “so really you haven’t done much today.”
Just like the War Against Women in our society, my husband says that he just isn’t in touch with his emotions; so therefore, any emotions or emotional needs are bad. Poor Nick tells me I’m not allowed to have emotions, and emotional needs, because that would make me a woman. His woman. His wife. His bride. In the War Against Women, we are not allowed to have emotions because that makes us feminine and special and it requires men to reach across the aisle, rather than stay holed up in their own egos. We are told that when we have emotions that are negative to men, we are out of control; we are gas-lighted and made to feel bad for having feelings. In the War Against Women, a man isn’t a man if he goes after the woman he loves.
This is the war going on in my home, every day.
It is no wonder that divorce rates are so high when the War Against Women has breached politics and made its way into the home. It’s no wonder women are now pitting against each other – stay at home versus working mom, breastfeed versus bottle-feed, vaccine versus non-vaccine – when we are now being conditioned to tear women down, even when we are just tearing at ourselves. Being a woman in the 1800s may have been oppressive; in the 1950s may have been June Cleaver or bust; but at least those women could get a “you look beautiful” or a “this meal is great” or a man could take a typical wife’s “nagging” with pride, because – hey – she’s your wife.
What I wouldn’t give to feel like June Cleaver. To have my husband call me “honey” and to treat me like a wife. Even if he really believed I belonged in the kitchen. My husband believes I belong in the kitchen, but I also don’t deserve an “I love you” on a daily basis. What I wouldn’t give to feel like Poor Nick’s bride. What I wouldn’t give to feel like a woman.
In a way, I feel bad for the “My Husband”s of the world. For every complaint I launch, there are probably thousands of women that feel the same way. But I feel bad for the “My Husband the Misogynist”s because in all their misogyny; in all the gas-lighting and the denying and the robbing these men do from women, in the end the denial of a woman as a woman can only go so long until that woman is gone.
This story began with a cupcake. Who knows if it will end just as sweet?
I was married to someone like this and it turned physically abusive. I think Nick needs a crap ton of therapy. I don’t mean that to be an insult; I’ll probably be in therapy for the next ten years. I think these kinds of issues need to be addressed and both partners need to be able to have compassion for one another or your sex life will go down the toilet and eventually the relationship will die. Consider therapy.
Well, I’m curious if Poor Nick reads this. Doesn’t he know how much he makes you crazy?? If my husband read these words in a blog, he’d be so mad at me. But then he’d be so sorry. I thought my spouse was emotionally stunted. He does call me honey and shows his appreciation. But I do have to dig for it. Also, I love spontaneity and romance, and that just isn’t his thing. I want to throw that cupcake at Poor Nick’s head and tell him he has it good!
So he did read it and was not mad, but came home saying he actually totally agreed that he has been acting pretty much like a womanhater all this time. Who knows what that will bring, but I am amazed by how many emails and comments and Facebook messages I have gotten from women sharing their own stories and talking about the war against women. Unreal…totally unexpected response!
So has he been acting better now? More like a decent, sensitive human being, since he read this?
Meh… a little nice, a little not. We’ll see how time goes on
I’m really lucky to have a decent husband. I’m glad I got him before we moved to KY (one of the Mysogeny capitols of the world, I think). The dating pool here is a little shallow.
I love your consistently honest approach to daily life. When I was first married, I had a romantic, sweet husband who constantly filled me with “I love you” and “you’re beautiful”. And somewhere around year 2, that husband disappeared into the daily grind of his job and all the time apart we have being military. When we finally got a state-side station and lived in the same house (for the first time in almost 5 years of marriage at that point), it was a very shocking thing for me to handle. I nearly collapsed under the seemingly oppressive weight of dealing face-to-face with this husband I didn’t know any more. Somehow, I survived that, our marriage survived in tact, and I learned to put my foot down (and sometimes in his butt) to make him understand he HAD to do those romantic things at least once in a while, because I HAD to feel like he loved me.
All these years later, I finally have at least a bit of that romantic husband back. I’m sure that his own worthless-waste-of-flesh male parent didn’t help in that whole “misogynistic” phase we went through. It’s almost a good thing that person is no longer with us, because now I can enjoy my husband rather than feeling like he’s just making an appearance in our lives.
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own experience! I really believe that this is a bigger issue than people even realize if it has breached from political to home life. It’s sad, really – although I’m glad to hear you have some of your romantic husband back
So how to stop the cycle? I’ll put money on this: Poor Nick is following the example set for him. I know that’s the case in our house… While that doesn’t make it right, although it goes a way to explaining it. My suggestion: we mothers grow a pair and be strong. Strong in the sense of willpower, rather than domineering and and give our growing boys plenty of decent role models in the teens (I know that’s probably an oxymoron, I’m hoping against all hope that there are some decent teen girls out there
) Plus a regular dose of communication 101 as per LTSTPP said earlier. (Oh if applicable: NEVER underestimate the damage caused by the partner/s that came before…)
Your date meal reminds me of our first home cooked meal together: something with instructions like just add meat and milk. He redeemed himself only by serving a bottle of killer red…
A bottle of killer red is ALWAYS a redeemer
Thanks for your comment and while I believe that there is some truth to the example set for him, I think he’s taken it to the extreme EXTREME haha
OH my goodness. This was so funny and true. The kraft dinner!! Loved it. Thanks for ending my day on a great note.
Thanks so much!! I’m glad someone saw some of the things weaved in that weren’t just bitch-bitch-bitch (which I do often hahahah)
I am honored…I think?…to have been quoted in your blog. Yup, I’m the author of the “don’t bag on nick” comment…so much so I barely read past that point… but I did get your point. I think honesty is huge. I feel your pain. I see what I thought was ‘bagging on poor nick” was more of a retalitaton..no that’s not right!… You are withering on your vine from lack of attention and companionship.
It is about more than a cupcake.
It is about the fact you feel unappreciated and overlooked.
He knows the effort you keep putting in and he just refuses to acknowledge it OR give you credit for it. That isn’t fair.
He knows what you need and is withholding it. ON PURPOSE.
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out he knows what he is doing.
In the same respect…you said …his effort was making mac and cheese…while you baked 8 hour cupcakes and he didn’t even say..Dang Thanks! This is good. or Show appreciation for your effort.
But to him…maybe his big sacrifice of making mac and cheese WAS worthy of those 8 hour cupcakes..TO HIM. Incorrectly I may add..but from his perspective? I don’t know.
I do know you are struggling. I don’t know what to tell you…I can say even the most difficult of men CAN change. They can go from selfish, undeserving bastards to award winning material husbands. This I know. For ME…it was about communication. He knew he was being a dick…but he didn’t know how it affected me or made me a complete basket case. Once he knew…and CARED how I felt we were able to change things. I’m a lucky one. I had one foot out the door…seriously.
Everything has changed. How we treat one another, how we talk to one another, how we talk ABOUT one another…everything. I feel VALUED.
I wish you did too.
Thank you SO MUCH for your comment!
I chose to share your comment, even though there were a few others that said similar, because it was yours that made me think more about it. Was I really bagging? Was I getting even? Was I really hurt? Did I understand what the intention may be? It was only in thinking about it more that I realized it hurt only because of the fact of everything else.
So thank you for making that comment, and also for making this one! And especially for sharing your own experience in this women/men issue. I think it goes beyond just my own husband withholding on purpose. When I thought about this more, I can see it happening all over the place in the relationships of others I know. And as for mine, I really wish I felt more valued. Being a housewife can be a pretty thankless job and I try to not give up feeling like it is OK to want more.
Thanks again so much
It is about more than a cupcake.
It is about the fact you feel unappreciated and overlooked.
QUOTE:”He knows the effort you keep putting in and he just refuses to acknowledge it OR give you credit for it. That isn’t fair.
He knows what you need and is withholding it. ON PURPOSE” I agree. He clearly feels Heather’s feelings are irrelevant. It is not as if he is unaware of them. And since he has been this way since before they were married, and she married him anyway (WHY, HEATHER, WHY???)he probably sees no reason to change. He is, in short, a self -involved douchebag, it sounds like (sorry, Heather…)
Hahaha, Kelly you are amazing
And blunt – which is why I love it!! Thanks for reading and your comment and your support, and I am SO GLAD you are back online 
Thank you, honey! You hang in there!
As always, well said. I don’t really feel like anyone should ever have to disclaim a blog post.. no matter the content. A blog is like a specialty store.. you go to the store to see what’s for sale.. if you don’t like it, you leave.. you don’t complain to the shop keeper.
As for your misogynistic hubby.. It’s kinda sad that he doesn’t know how/when to express positive feedback in the way that you need. That’s really the toughest part of loving someone.. loving them in the way they need and having them love you in the way that you need. It’s a difficult balance.
After reading a couple different blog posts about said issue, it’s clear that it’s a real issue for you. I hope, through whatever means you see fit, that you find some resolution for that.
Thanks for your comment!! I really feel bad that men today have to be so misogynistic even at home to feel like men. As for how it affects me, I’m sure eventually it’ll work out.
Awesome! That’s right, if you don’t like it, leave the shop, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!
Yah!!
Not that I’m married, or currently dating, but I see the point behind honesty between me and a woman being to have a fuckton of positive things to say about each other, because we’d both be trying to make the other happy. Our efforts to such an end would hopefully be honest, so that we’d know why we make each other happy. I, honestly, haven’t heard a reason from you in the last 2 years as to why you’d still want to be married to Nick. What I’ve read that you’ve shared online paints of picture of him as a complete asshole and I don’t like my good friends being associated with such lowlifes. I am however a completely different person, raised by different people, with different goals, trying to live a different kind of life, with different expectations from a significant other, and with the intentions of treating a significant other in completely different ways. And I also don’t have boobs. So what do I know.
I love you. That is all.
Okay, that isn’t all. This is why YOU are NOT waging the War Against Women. Now that is all.
My heart aches for you. You have emotional needs that are just as valid as his. He is getting his needs met and you are getting…what exactly?
Thank you so much for reading! I agree with you completely. I also really wrote this post to reach out to all the women out there that are in a similar boat. If the War Against Women has made it into my marriage, it has likely made it into many, many others.
A marriage is a relationship. If it isn’t working then fix it or move on.
A would amend that to: a marriage is a relationship: if it isn’t working, then fix it or accept your responsibility in why it isn’t getting fixed! Thanks for reading
I’ve always admired your honesty. This is a great post thanks for the straight talk. This has inspired an idea or two in my head ill get back to you about it .
MrMary
Mr
Thanks!! I love being honest