Heather Christena Schmidt

Does anyone else remember the days when you went into a MAC store to get your computer fixed and you were able to talk to people who actually looked like they should be working on computers? Donning pocket protectors, tight pants, collared shirts, and always wearing bottle-rimmed glasses, a diagnosis of your coveted machine was given to you through the nasally tones of someone you actually trusted had gone to school to specialize in caring for your device. This seems to be a thing of the past, though. Now, when you go into your local Apple store to hit up the “Genius Bar,” you are confronted with something far from a cadre of geniuses and erudites in the field of computers. No, instead when you step foot into the store (each of which is far too modern, white, and rounded for its own good), you are confronted with the enemy: hipsters.

Don’t get me wrong: I will never use a computer that is not an Apple/Macintosh product. I truly believe that Apple products are far superior to Windows-based PCs. I’m one of those people. I covet my Macbook, iPad, and iPod; without them I am at an utter loss.

That said, I’m getting just a little tired of going into my local Apple store for a repair, an update, a question, or a new accessory, only to be assaulted by an onslaught of hipsters. As if this new trend were not on every corner of every street, every ad in every shop-window, I have to be confronted by them at a time when the stress of a broken computer, or the upsettedness of another required purchase, is at its height.  Something about this just seems wrong.

Mod glasses and excessive plaid be damned:  Apple is quite clearly the headquarters of The Hipster Apocalypse.  An average Apple visit goes something like this:

First, upon walking in the door, the hipster guards are all milling around waiting to check you in for your appointment.  There are (on average) at least fifteen of them, all standing around, carrying iPhones.  One time I had an appointment for technical support that was two hours before the store opened and twenty people (all with the obnoxious blue employee t-shirts and check-in iPhones) were hanging around the front, looking something like these guys:

After breaking through the army of hipster guards, I am finally checked in for my appointment.  A little known fact is that you actually need an appointment to do anything at the Apple store.  On one occasion, I went in to purchase a case for my new iPad and the employee showing them to me told me he had to schedule and check me in for an appointment before we could proceed with the purchase.  The reason for this unnecessary Apple beaurocracy remains to be seen.

While heading to the back of the store to wait by the Genius Bar until one of the “Geniuses” calls my name, I pass by a series of islands for various purposes.  At some of the islands, there are products.  It never fails that this chick is checking her email for free:

There’s almost always someone being taught how to use their Macbook (because it isn’t made as simple and self-explanatory as is humanly possible, right? . . .); the employees always in lounge pose:

And as if the contemporary beat-nick, no-showering hipster mentality hadn’t truly hit hard with the employees, there are always some yupster children running around the games section, conveniently placed right next to the Genius Bar so that people in for free help must know that hipsters really do rule at Apple.

Finally, my name is called and I head to the Genius Bar for a non-genius to fix my computer.  At the Genius Bar, the true effect of the hipster culture at the Apple store is at its worst.  Mundane conversations about bands and being emotional always extend the appointments well beyond the time needed to simply fix the actual computer.  People that think they are cool by virtue of their iPhone ownership are always milling around, tapping and honing in on the appointments to offer their superior knowledge of Apple products.  And the employees (whose New Hire Handbook must have come with a pair of thick, square glasses and focused on how to make your pants as tight as possible) are generally too busy pushing their Phil Spector-hair out of their eyes to actually listen to what is going on with the computers:

Usually when I leave the Apple store, I feel unsatisfied.  Yes, my computer is fixed.  Typically I find the accessory or help that I need.  On occasion, I even come away with something for free.  But the pangs of disappointment always grip me as I leave the store, each and every time.  Usually it’s because the hipsters were just so intolerable that I felt like I needed to punch something when I got in the car.  But every once in a while, it’s because I wish I were as cool as those really cool, emo hipsters.  I wish I could rock dirty, tight pants; overly wooly sweaters, plaid shoes and hot pink thick-rimmed glasses.  I wish I could slouch everywhere I went and fro my hair out.  And more than anything, I walk away from an Apple store dripping with jealousy, for as a non-hipster, an uncool “square,” I never get the hipsters fistbump at the end of my transaction:

While this blog does not condone or encourage violence, of course exceptions can be made when it comes to hipsters:  tomorrow is the first ever “Punch a Hipster Day.”  Join the revolution against The Hipster Apocalypse!  For more information, click here.