Heather Christena Schmidt

Well hello, Mr. Biglesworth!  How wonderful to see you again.  I see you are enjoying watching one of your favorite shows with a friend.  Shall I return later?

Oh, it’s OK to talk to you now?  You say your friend was just leaving?  Wonderful.  Drive safely!

Well, Mr. Biglesworth, now that your friend has gone, I wanted to talk to you about something of utmost importance.  You see, somewhere along the line, it seems you have forgotten that you are a cat.  Yes, I know … it may come as a shock, since so many people have been feeding in to your delusion for quite some time, but yes.  You are, most certainly, a feline.

Friendly as you may be, we’re going to have to put some ground rules in place, here, because (to be honest) I just can’t take some of it anymore. …what’s that Mr. Biglesworth?  You say you make the rules?  Oh, well I have, here, an Animal Kingdom chart, and you appear to be quite near the bottom of it, Mr. Biglesworth.  So I suppose you won’t be the one making the rules anymore, will you?

To begin, there will be no more use of the human toilets.  You have a liter box, please use it like the animal that you are.  What’s that Mr. Biglesworth?  You protest?  Oh, Mr. Biglesworth, protest is something exclusive to sentient beings, which I think we all know at this point you are not.

Oh, I see.  That was another cat that snuck into our home to use the toilet.  Okay, fine, but if you could just use your liter box that would be great.  Another thing I think is time for us to make a big change on is for you to stop wearing people clothes.

Yes, Mr. Biglesworth, I understand that it is chilly out and you need to keep warm, but to be honest this just creeps me out.  In addition to that, this will be the last meal you eat at the dinner table, you can use your bowl on the floor, which has gone unused for the eight years you have been here.  And, last but not least, if you could refrain from taking over the use of the television remote, that would be much obliged as well.  I think that about covers everything!  Surely you understand that these ground rules are in everyone’s best interest, right?

Mr. Biglesworth!  There is no reason to start yelling!  I’m just trying to do what’s best for everyone, here!  You know, it seems that you should be grateful you are still being afforded luxuries that animals much higher in the Animal Kingdom don’t even get!  You get to keep your ridiculous name, along with all the Sam Cats, Jinxies, Spencer Babies, Snowballs, and other cat names that bare witness to the insanity of their owners.  And must I remind you that in most cultures, you are considered an item of food, rather than a friend?  No, Mr. Biglesworth, I’m not threatening you!  It just seems that you would be a little more humble, considering that I could easily serve you as a delicacy for my Chinese friends that are coming to town next week, most likely expecting me to serve Dragon-Tiger-Phoenix Soup.  Like the Fancy Feast commercial says, every meal should be ‘made with love,’ right Mr. Biglesworth?

Oh good, I’m glad we’ve finally come to an understanding.  You really will get used to the changes.

And anyway Mr. Biglesworth, the truth, here, is that the only thing worse than your name, your behavior, the fact that you are the leading cause of indoor allergies next to dust, your attitude, your overpopulation, your tendency to spread disease-ridden fleas, and the fact that you incessantly lick yourself, is the fact that I am talking to you as if you are my friend.  No, Mr. Biglesworth, you are not my friend.  You’re nothing but a cat.