Heather Christena Schmidt

I’m a real negative-nelly sometimes, I know… I am constantly posting about things I hate and reasons I’m annoyed.  But this is a B(itch)Log, right?  Right.  Plus, as painful as it may sometimes be for you, faithful blog followers, to tolerate my rants day after day, after day, you know that (in at least most cases), I’m right.  As much as it may seem a bit complain-y, and a bit over-the-top at times, all I’m doing is saying things I know you all are thinking.  Here’s one of those  things that I know I’m right about, that I’m sure at least some of you are thinking:  reasons for avoiding the 4th of July.

REASON #1 FOR AVOIDING THE 4TH OF JULY:  DRUNK DRIVERS KILL

Unless you want to die prematurely by either (a) being t-boned by a drunk driver; or (b) crashing into flames, drunk yourself, going out for the 4th of July should be avoided.

No matter how much self-control you have, you cannot avoid a can of Coors, or a red-white-and-blue martini, if you go out of the house.  And even if you don’t drink, you still cannot avoid the affects of such drinks, since 8 out of 10 people driving the weekend of the 4th will have at least one alcoholic beverage flowing through their veins.

REASON #2 FOR AVOIDING THE 4TH OF JULY:  FIREWORKS ARE FOR HILLBILLIES

While there is something spectacular about fireworks over Lake Michigan in Chicago, or the nightly show at Disneyland, there is absolutely nothing spectacular about a bunch of hillbillies shooting off bottle rockets and M80s in their front yard, sometimes pointing them at each other.

True story:  a few years ago the neighbors down the street from my father’s house were shooting so many fireworks at the neighbor’s cars and each other that the police were called.  When the police got out of their car, they were chased away by a large band of drunken, illegal fireworks-users.  Two hours later, someone was shot in the eye with a firework and she was blinded in that eye permanently.  There is absolutely nothing beautiful about explosives that are set off by anyone other than a professional.

REASON #3 FOR AVOIDING THE 4TH OF JULY:  BEER GUZZLING, ILLEGAL FIREWORKS, BAR-B-QUEING, AND SCREAMING “WOOOOOOO!  AMERICA, F**K YEAH!!” WAS NOT WHERE OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WERE GOING

As fun as it might be to imagine Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin doing beer bongs and shooting explosives at each other, while George Washington throws some burgers and snausages on the grill, this really is not what our founding fathers were going for.

While the freedom to explode our arms off if we want to, and to guzzle booze until we slip into a comma, might be a necessary consequence of our freedom from the British powers that once were, this is really not what the 4th of July is about.  Strikingly, Associated Press reported a few years ago that only 74% of Americans polled knew what the 4th of July is actually about, with an astonishing 6% of the remaining people thinking we separated from a power other than the British.  Possibly those snausages are clogging our brain power too.

So you see, it really is better if we all just avoid the 4th of July altogether.  Rather than risk your life and limbs, stay in and have a nice, healthy meal and a glass of wine.  Watch a special on what the founding fathers were actually fighting for on the History Channel.  Enjoy the extra day off work to catch up on housework, your Tivo, or that good book you’ve been meaning to read.  Since I know most of you won’t take heed of this advise, have a safe 4th of July … if you have enough fingers left to log onto your computer come Tuesday, I’ll see you then!