Why hillbillies annoy me


I read, recently, that it is considered uncouth to refer to someone as “white trash.”  Granted, saying something like “you are such white trash” probably isn’t exactly polite, sometimes it is warranted.  Reportedly, “white trash” is just not the way you are to brand someone that has the characteristics of, well … white trash.  Other words like “hillbilly” and “trailer trash” are considered preferable in the Mountain William World, so now we have yet another group that is going to change the preference of their designation year after year, after year.  It isn’t bad enough that we have to keep up with the secretaries of the world changing their designated job title to “administrator” or “administrative professional;” or with the teacher’s aids changing to “paraeducators,” now even the gun-toting, sister-marrying, Walmart-shopping, toothless-wonders of the world are getting politically correct.

That’s not the only reason hillbillies annoy me, though.

Hillbillies annoy me because all they talk about is their bowels.

As much as I enjoy hearing someone talk about their bowels ad nauseum (literally), and as wonderful as that one year was when I went to Thanksgiving dinner with an old boyfriend and his grandfather did the “pull my finger” joke at the table six times, it just really annoys me that hillbillies have to involve human fecal matter in everything they do.  Life does exist outside the toilet.

(As a side, the fact that this photo exists, along with a cadre of similar Youtube videos, is disturbing and beyond the threshold of annoying.)

Hillbillies annoy me because they really do all have “Joe” or “Sue” for a middle name.

I can’t even seem to figure this out.  Along with the “Bobby”s and “Tommy”s of the Mountain William World, it seems that all of them have “Joe” or “Sue” for a middle name.  I dated a guy back when I first moved to California who tried so hard to distance himself from his hillbilly family; and yet, inevitably a wedding or anniversary reigned in all the “Tiffany Sue”s and “Billy Joe”s the family had to offer.

Hillbillies annoy me because they seem to have to make perverted comments about everything.

I’m all for the occasional joke about “rolling in the hay” or “if this van’s a rockin'” but hillbillies take it to a whole new level.  For one, I have never been to the zoo and not seen a pair of hillbillies standing by watching turtles making it, snickering and talking about the size of the man-turtle’s manhood.  Even that would be tolerable once in a while, if only hillbillies didn’t always take it to another level altogether.  My mother happens to be dating a full-blown hillbilly (he lives in a trailer), and every time I see him he makes it a point of mentioning just how much they get nasty.  And his perversions show up in every, single thing he talks about – when they took a trip to visit Area 51, he gabbed on and on afterwards about how cool it would be to see aliens do it.  Or how about the hillbillies that put the “5 dollar footlong” shirt on their kids?

Hillbillies annoy me because they talk all kinds of shit and then either lie about it, or act affronted when it comes back to bite them on the ass.

Seriously, this really annoys me.  A hillbilly probably spends 75% of their waking time talking shit about other people, particularly other non-hillbillies that “think they’re better than us.”  Instead of “Joe” or “Sue,” “Drama” should be the real, universal middle name of the hillbilly.  Now, again, I do my own share of smack-talking (don’t lie to yourself, you do too), but when I’m called out for it I don’t lie, act like it’s an affront to my personal character, or use it as a way to talk even more shit.  Not the hillbillies, though.

There are a lot of other reasons why hillbillies annoy me.  The overalls, the shirt-less trips to Wal-mart, the lack of teeth and basic dental hygiene – it all reeks to me (in some cases, figuratively; in most cases, literally).  But what really irks me is this notion that I am now to be politically correct in reference to one of the most unpolitically correct group of people in this country, on this planet for that matter.  “White trash” is no longer kosher?  How about we put on some regular clothes and stop making passes at our cousins, and then we can talk about who deserves political correctness.

There’s a reason for the law against you marrying your sister, Bubba Joe … ’cause you’re white trash!

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4 Comments on “Why hillbillies annoy me

  1. Pingback: Get a Little Cray Cray « Heather Christena Schmidt

  2. Pingback: Toilet Humor « Heather Christena Schmidt

  3. My Big Redneck Wedding, and the sequel My Big Redneck Baby, 2 shows on CMT hosted by Iowa Hillbilly Tom Arnold, are the funniest things on TV. Funny and all too familiar, if you live in Iowa, and know people who live in trailers. Also, the website called People of Walmart, featuring candid pics of your average shopper, hits a bit close to home — convincing me to always draw on my eyebrows before I go out! Good job, Heather! Thanks for the smiles!

  4. (via http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/)

    Whuffo’ hillbillies annoy me

    ah read, recently, thet it is cornsidered uncouth t’refer t’someone as “white trash.” Granted, sayin’ sumpin like “yer sech white trash” probably isn’t exackly polite, sometimes it is warranted, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Repo’tedly, “white trash” is jest not th’ way yer t’bran’ someone thet has th’ chareeckeristics of, fine … white trash. Other wo’ds like “hillbilly” an’ “trailer trash” is considered preferable in th’ Mountain Billy Joe Wo’ld, so now we haf yet t’other group thet is a-gonna change th’ preference of their designashun year af’er year, af’er year. It isn’t bad inough thet we hafta keep up wif th’ secretaries of th’ wo’ld changin’ their designated job title t’“administrato’” o’ “administrative professhunal;” o’ wif th’ skoo marm’s aids changin’ t’“pareeejoocayto’s,” now even th’ gun-totin’, sister-marry up wifin’, Walmart-shoppin’, toothless-wonners of th’ wo’ld is gittin’ politically co’reck.

    Thet’s not th’ only reason hillbillies annoy me, though.

    Hillbillies annoy me on account o’ all they talk about is their bowels.

    As much as ah enjoy hearin’ someone talk about their bowels ad nauseum (literally), an’ as wonnerful as thet one year was when ah went t’Thanksgivin’ dinner wif an old fellafriend an’ his gran’Pappy did th’ “pull mah finger” joke at th’ table six times, it jest pow’ful annoys me thet hillbillies hafta involve hoomin fecal matter in ev’rythin’ they does. Life does exist outside th’ toilet.

    (As a side, th’ fack thet this hyar photo exists, along wif a cadre of similar Yo’tube videos, is disturbin’ an’ beyond th’ threshold of annoyin’.)

    Hillbillies annoy me on account o’ they pow’ful does all haf “Billy Joe” o’ “Pansy” fo’ a middle name.

    ah can’t even seem t’figger this hyar out. Along wif th’ “Billy Bob”s an’ “Tommah”s of th’ Mountain Billy Joe Wo’ld, it seems thet all of them haf “Billy Joe” o’ “Pansy” fo’ a middle name. ah dated a guy back when ah fust moved t’Califo’nia who tried so hard t’distance hisse’f fum his hillbilly fambly; an’ yet, inevitably a weddin’ o’ annivahsary reigned in all th’ “Tiffenny Pansy”s an’ “Billy Joe Billy Joe”s th’ fambly had t’offer.

    Hillbillies annoy me on account o’ they seem t’have t’make pervahted comments about ev’rythin’.

    I’m all fo’ th’ occashunal joke about “rollin’ in th’ hay” o’ “if this hyar van’s a rockin’” but hillbillies take it t’a whole noo level, ah reckon. Fo’ one, ah have nevah been t’th’ zoo an’ not see a pair of hillbillies stan’in’ by watchin’ turtles makin’ it, snickerin’ an’ talkin’ about th’ size of th’ man-turtle’s manhood, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Even thet’d be tolerable once in a spell, eff’n only hillbillies didn’t allus take it t’t’other level altogither. Mah Mammy happens t’be datin’ a full-blown hillbilly (he lives in a trailer), an’ ev’ry time ah see him he makes it a point of menshunin’ jest how much they git nasty. An’ his pervahshuns show up in ev’ry, sin’le thin’ he talks about – when they took a trip t’viset Area 51, he gabbed on an’ on af’erwards about how right fine it’d be t’see aliens does it. Or howsabout th’ hillbillies thet put th’ “5 dollar footlong” shirt on their kids?

    Hillbillies annoy me on account o’ they talk all kinds of shit an’ then eifer lie about it, o’ ack affronted when it comes back t’bite them on th’ ass.

    Seriously, this hyar pow’ful annoys me. A hillbilly probably spends 75% of their wakin’ time talkin’ shit about other varmints, particularly other non-hillbillies thet “reckon they’re better than us.” Instead of “Billy Joe” o’ “Pansy,” “Drama” sh’d be th’ real, unyversal middle name of th’ hillbilly. Now, agin, ah do mah own share of smack-talkin’ (don’t lie t’yo’seff, yo’ does too), but when I’m called out fo’ it ah don’t lie, ack like it’s an affront t’mah varmintal chareecker, o’ use it as a way t’talk even mo’e shit. Not th’ hillbillies, though.

    Thar is a lot of other reasons whuffo’ hillbillies annoy me. Th’ ovahalls, th’ shirt-less trips t’Wal-mart, th’ lack of teeth an’ basic dental hygiene – it all reeks t’me (in some cases, figuratively; in most cases, literally). But whut pow’ful irks me is this hyar noshun thet ah’s now t’be politically co’reck in reference t’one of the dawgoned-est unpolitically co’reck group of varmints in this hyar country, on this hyar planet fo’ thet matter. ”White trash” is no longer kosher? Howsabout we put on some regular clo’es an’ stop makin’ passes at our cousins, an’ then we kin talk about who desarves political co’reckness.

    Thar’s a reason fo’ th’ law aginst yo’ marry up wifin’ yer sister, Bubba Billy Joe … ’cuz yo’’re white trash! Fry mah hide!

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