Heather Christena Schmidt

There are a lot of reasons why I have always considered myself un-date-able.  Among them include:  May No Shave Month, an intolerance for bull-shit, and a strange addiction to buying notebooks.  Those of you that know, or have had the great fortune of dating, me know what I’m talking about (and, to be honest, it really is a wonder that I am in the position I am, now).  I just don’t pretend to be something that I’m not; what often comes with that, though, is something I even consider a little strange.  As my gay friend Ron once said, sweetie, you’re just really unique.  That’s the nice way of putting it.

Well, here’s another one for you, and I’m fairly positive it’s around #6,849:  I choke a lot.

I know, it sounds really strange, but just wait.

For one, I choke constantly.  I’m not talking about fatal choking, where hunks of raw steak get lodged in my windpipe and the nearest Denny’s customer service representative has to administer the heimlich maneuver.  (Side note:  reason #6,850 why I have always considered myself un-date-able is that I thought it was heimlich remover until just 30 seconds ago…)

No, I’m just talking about that annoying thing where you swallow the wrong way and then cough obnoxiously until your throat is clear.

I think this happens for a couple of reasons.  First, and foremost, is I don’t pay attention to anything.  I’m usually so busy observing things up in the clouds, or paying no attention to anything but what is directly in front of me, that I swallow the wrong way a lot.  It’s almost as if I subconsciously think I can’t be bothered with something as simple as swallowing properly.  More often, because I’m wholly addicted to Diet Coke, I sometimes have a tendency to drink it too fast (especially when I’m coming off a dry spell of no Diet Coke, when I’m feigning like a crack addict).

This wouldn’t be a reason not to date me if only it weren’t coupled with the plain and simple fact that I tend to overdramatize just about everything, including when I choke on my drink.  Here’s where I take the choking episodes to another level, and prove yet another reason I have always considered myself un-date-able.  I noticed this the other day, when I swallowed my wine the wrong way and suddenly the alcohol was burning my lungs and I was coughing to clear my irritated throat.  Everyone at the table started giggling, which turned into hysterical laughing.  Unknowing why everyone was laughing, I looked around and thought about what had just happened, all while continuing to clear my throat loudly enough for the hostess in the front of the restaurant to come over and ask if I needed some water.  It was then that I realized that when I swallow the wrong way, I dramatically turn it into something that sounds like a cross between a donkey and a screaming dolphin.

The day after a choking episode a few months ago, one of my friends I had been out to eat with at the time posted on my Facebook page this video.

For the last few months, I couldn’t – for the life of me – understand why, and she said nothing about it when I asked.  But after the most recent incident the other day, I now get it.  Were I to go on a date and do this, I would most certainly be considered un-date-able.  Why I even do it, I don’t even think I will ever know.

Time to pony up and follow this, here, blog on Facebook.  Click like on the page NOW!