Heather Christena Schmidt

Yesterday we talked about what it implies when you don’t have a profile picture on any of your regular social networks.  You know, that blank image of a man’s silhouette that shows up in place of the photo, or the question mark that says “your guess is as good as mine!”  Well, today we’re going to briefly discuss another profile photo faux pas:  the kiddie pics.

I don’t want to disparage all profile photographs that have children in them.  Sometimes people post a picture and it has a part of their kid and a part of them – that is tolerable.  Other times it is just the kid and occasionally that is okay too.  Although there are definite photographs that should not be used for a profile picture on any social network, at all.  Most of them should probably not even be uploaded to the Internet (mainly because, well we don’t want to see that); but if you must, for the love of God don’t make them your actual profile photograph.  Here’s the all-star line up:

The Dirty Diaper Pic

As cute as that kid may look while having his ass wiped, I’m telling you parents:  no one wants to see that as your profile photograph.  We further do not want to see the inside of the kid’s diaper, your kid in the tub, your kid’s ass, your kid naked, the huge rash on the inside of your kid’s legs since you don’t change its diaper enough – basically anything related to your kid and hygiene should be avoided.  I know, I know … we all love a look at human fecal matter once in a while (actually, no we don’t), but for real parents.  Keep it off the Internet.

Your Creepy Ass Baby

Yes, yes – the baby is cute in his own right.  He’ll grow out of it.  Insert all of those platitudes we tell ourselves to cover up the fact that we don’t want to accept this baby as both creepy and ugly as hell.  I know that the love of your child makes you think they are beautiful no matter how they look, but not all of us are obligated to feel the same way.  The creepy ass baby picture is one of the worst offenders, mostly because it is frightening to look at and is not a true representation of (1) your child, and (2) (more importantly) you.  Your online profiles are supposed to be about “you.”  While your children are an extension of you, you still have an identity that does not give me chills every time I look at it (I don’t think).

Your Teenage Son

Please, parents.  Your teenager likely has his or her own online profiles that they may showcase their emo-rific photographs on.  You do not need to do this for them (and, in fact, I am fairly certain they will appreciate it).  Posting a photograph of your middle schooler or teenager is fine, but using it as a profile picture again stinks worse than that kid’s diaper up above.

In the end, you can make your profile pictures whatever you want them to be.  If you want there to be nothing, by all means have there be nothing.  If you want to showcase your fifteen year old daughter in that mini-skirt you probably shouldn’t even be allowing her to wear – sure, why not.  But the thing about the Internet is that everyone uses it differently, and everyone is sensitive, finicky, and grossly opinionated on what people should and should not be doing.  Above even that, there is an unspoken etiquette to it all and if you do not follow suit, you are running the risk of what I like to call Facebook Drama.  As if drama in real life weren’t childish enough, we now have it everywhere on the Internet.  Let’s do ourselves a favor and avoid it altogether.  Keep your kids and their diapers off your profile pictures, and we’ll all be a step closer to a happy, peaceful, online experience.