Heather Christena Schmidt

Yes, I did just title this blog post “Name That Wang.” Much to your chagrin though, faithful blog followers, I’m not that much of a pervert to post what you probably all thought I was posting.

Or am I…

Okay, now to the real topic: naming one’s wang or she-cave.

Today I went to Kmart for the first time in over fifteen years and overheard a conversation between a couple in the Family Planning aisle that made me think of this topic. My mother is in town and after having lunch she asked if we could stop by the discount superstore so she could pick up some foot cream for my grandfather; of course, foot fungus being closely related to family planning, we were in the right place at the right time to overhear this horrifying conversation. It went like this:

She: “Ooooh, baby we should try this new K-Y pleasure gel.”

He: “We don’t need that for passion.”

She: “I think we should try it.”

He: “Girl, that stuff’s like fifteen dollars and the Trojans already run me twenty bucks.”

She: “Well … I’m just saying, Cornucopia would be much fuller if Squash used that pleasure gel.”

At this point, I had to walk away, stifling the urge to laugh hysterically and then vomit all over the Dr. Scholl’s display. It’s bad enough that an overwhelming number of people name their body parts, oftentimes sharing that name with others – but to name it something as ridiculous as Cornucopia and Squash? Not only is this blatantly unoriginal, it’s rife with ridicule. Like for example this: that cornucopia’s overflowing with all different kinds of squash, if you know what I’m saying…

Gross.

So after I got home, I decided to Google “names for private parts.” I don’t know why – probably because I have no life and nothing better to do; more likely because I was so disturbed by this couple’s name for their junk. But I wanted to know if maybe it was just me – maybe Cornucopia and Squash are just as common place as referring to them as the actual anatomically correct names?

Well, I’ve got news for you, faithful blog followers – Cornucopia and Squash was nowhere on the list. Either these Family Planning (planning? … more like prevention) shoppers met over Thanksgiving, or they really have no creativity whatsoever. The cream of the crop (so to speak) from the sixteen lists I read through during my Google search?

Her Princess and His Pokey

Her Taco Belle and His Fire Sauce (I don’t know… is Fire Sauce supposed to mean sperm or what? …)

Her Prune and His Peanut (… this makes me sad.)

Her Venus and His Penisaurus Rex

Her Pot-Pot-belly and His Tallywacker (WTF)

Her Beefcake and His Tater Tot (WTF to the 2nd power)

And in one of the online forums I found a couple of these, someone so eloquently pointed out that: I have used Cooter, hooha, and yahoo!!!  Sort of depends on the occasion. Way to keep it classy for the occasion, lady…

One article I read (an actual article) stated that most sex researchers believe the nicknames people give to their wangs and she-caves reflect cultural attitudes about men and women and their roles in relationships. I don’t know if I buy all that. I mean – Taco Belle and Fire Sauce? Cornucopia and Squash? I think these nicknames reflect nothing more than what I’ve been saying all along – words cannot describe how truly weird people are.