New Years Countdown Series, Day 5: the B(itch) Actually Did Things in 2011

That’s right, b(itch)es – we’re having a New Years Countdown to 2012. Today is the first, although since it’s a countdown it will be (of course) Day 5: 5 days out to 2012 and a whole new year of opportunities to be snarky.

But before I cap off my countdown with the traditional rants and complaints, I thought I’d first go over the things I actually did this year. If you know me well, you know I don’t usually accomplish much – particularly since I left school in 2010 and took up the life of languish. In that time, I’ve tirelessly tried to work on a book and to win some writing-related contests, mostly to no avail though (part because of me, part because of others). But as the year winds down, it appears I have actually done some things worth noting this year:

I finished my Ridiculous Reads Challenge. Originally I just wanted to read as much as I could in 2011 – good, quality books (not that vampire glitter puke crap you get in the ever-growing YA section at Barnes and Noble); then it morphed into the daunting task of finishing 40 good books. A few ended up being utter piles of crap, but the majority were great and I finished them all. To see my list, visit my ridiculous reads page, which will be replaced with 2012’s page in the near future … for a look ahead, I plan on 50 in 2012 with War and Peace kicking off the effort. During this time I realized just how much I love books and words, as well as writing. People call themselves nerds when they spend a lot of time reading and writing but I think it’s the people that read absolutely nothing that are the real losers. (…spoken like a true nerd, I’m sure.)

I was just nominated for a WordPress Blogger Award – the 7 X 7 Link Award. It’s my first and it’s awesome. Muey thanks to Scribbling Hermit for the nomination – faithful blog followers should follow that link, I’m quite a fan of the poetry. Reportedly, the nominee has to make some inclusions to the announcement of said nomination, though, so here they are:

A confession of sorts about me you faithful blog followers might not know: is that I love gangster rap. I’m not even kidding you – stupid, little girl drinking frilly mocha drinks, who is too afraid to drive outside of her comfort zone for fear that some hardcore gang member is going to shank her ass (even if there are no gangs reported in the general vicinity) … bumps rap whose primary words are “fuck” “shank” “guns” “cut” “smoke” “bitch” “bitch” “bitch” “fuck” and more “bitch.”

Seven links of my blog posts that I believe are the cream of the crop: Most Surprisingly Successful Korean Hooker Hostage (I’m on to these people…), Most Underrated The Many Types of Hugs (which I still am in need of, even the terrifying yet at the same time satisfying junk-mashing one), Most Popular How to Have a Hillbilly Thanksgiving (coming up on the countdown – How to Have a Hillbilly New Years Celebration), Most Beautiful People I Would Have an Affair With (a few of which, I am starting to think I actually would …), Most Helpful Profile of a Douche (for it’s applicability and helpfulness to the general population), Most Controversial Stop Being Such a P*s*y (for the number of conversations inspired), and Most Pride Worthy The World Does Not Stop (for its sheer bitchiness and because I used the phrase “on the rag”).

And finally to nominate seven bloggers, who you also should check out because I love them: A Spoonful of Suga (hilariously brilliant), Life in the Farce Lane (love the bluntness), The Life of JWo (I love some of the daily goings-on reported in this blog because it makes my life seem more normal), The Dissemination of Thought (funny. as. hell.), The Eleventh Stack (HELLO! written by librarians about books), Lolabees (for the traveling to places I can live vicariously through in the pictures), and Laughter is Catching (just great writing).

I won a poetry contest in April, and it was for the first real poem I had ever written. (And have since written none.) I don’t think it’s that great – but the group of people judging the contest did.

A Burden To Bear

Feathery Pens. Pillowy clouds.

Ex-tolling crowds.

I, a fool;

Young. Naïve.

Writing, a dream:  covered in shrowds.

Older. Experienced. Lacking elation.

Endless frus-tra-tion.

A sentence

an hour.

Sleepless nights in con-templation.

Voltaire! Voltaire!

He had said to beware!

This hurts.

Sentences strain.

Writing, in reality: a burden to bear.

I’m sure I’ve done other things to mention this year, but these are the three that come to mind (and are probably the most relevant to my blog). I could include other things, like eliminating dysfunctional losers from my life (finally!!) and finishing my manuscript then trashing it – but I think those three above are the most exciting.

Although, there was also that “date” with Wolf  on my 100th blog post … God I love that man …



Hey, speaking of accomplishments, you assholes didn’t get me what I wanted for Christmas this year – 100 Facebook fans. But there’s hope for our relationship just yet – I’ve extended my goal of 100 to my 30th birthday on April 15th. So do me a huge one and click through to “like” my page. And spread the word!


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  2. The B(itch)’s Brain Gruel: Happy Birthday Nick, Are you on DivorceBook? and an Award with a Side of STFU « Heather Christena Schmidt

    […] seven more goddamned things about yourself. As if I didn’t offer up enough confessions in my 7X7 award, or in my New Years Day post. Here goes […]

  3. lolabees

    How cool! Congrats on the award, and thanks for sharing it with me! Also for that poetry contest– nice work. I forgot about that hugging post. That was one of my faves b/c it’s so so true!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      The hugging post IS so true hahah!! Thanks for commenting and on the poem (even though I think it’s sort of meh.)

  4. JWo

    Thank you for the award. I was so excited when I saw it but then thought, “Hey wait!! Does she mean my life is so ABNORMAL that it makes hers seem normal?!?!?” hahaha…

    But I FINALLY got around to accepting it and pimping you out in the process.

    I’m really hoping so of my followers will sign up to follow you because you’re a great writer that finds herself in some odd situations. Do you know how much I’d LOVE to have been around for your Post Office experience???

    Thanks again…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahaha, well we can trade if you’d like because some of the bizarreness gets ….well, bizarre haha! Thanks!!

  5. The Link and my discreetly placed ink « The Dissemination of Thought

    […] from has bestowed upon me the 7 x 7 Link Award, which means that in addition to thanking her profusely […]

  6. disseminatedthought

    Congratulations on your award, but you really shouldn’t be surprised that people love reading your work: in the space of 100 words, you said “fuck”, alluded to a Korean strumpet, made us laugh at hillbillies and provided priceless advice on identifying a douche.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thank you so much and for reading my blog faithfully! Also, special kudos go to coining the term “Korean strumpet” – it’s awesome!

  7. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins

    You are one of my favorite bloggers. I was going to say favorite but I don’t want you to start 2012 with a swelled head, especially since you aren’t running for public office!

    I didn’t know you like Gangsta Rap. I am born and raised in NYC, Brooklyn to be exact. I often can be found telling scientist and other people I work for that I will cut them, because I don’t love these ho’s. Another reason of many why you are so cool.

    By the way I thought the Blog The Eleventh Stack was another Pamela Anderson Sitcom coming out, glad to see I was mistaken. There is still hope for double entendres as sitcom titles.

    Your Poem is very clever to say the least!

    Thanks for the laughs, the likes and for blogging

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks!! My head IS swelling…nice going haha …

      I love Gangsta Rap! I grew up in Chicago and used to spend hours talking to basketball players on the southside in (yes,in…) the locker rooms while my sportwriter-dad would interview the coaches after a game. They introduced me not just to rap but almost all the music I appreciate now. My childhood friend Jeremy that commented below quoting Jay-Z is another fan of the genre and, in fact, his quote is part of how he started to call me Bitch – which is more than just my blog’s name but what a lot of my childhood friends call me.

      The thought of any scientist being told they’ll be “cut” is both awesome and hilarious! And is it weird that I thought Pamela Anderson was dead? I live with my head in the sand most days of the year…

      Thanks again!

  8. Jeremy (@takeshikitano3)

    I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. Hit me.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Jay-Z is the shit. So is the fact that you are still up and reading my blog at all hours of the night. 🙂

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