New Years Countdown Series, Day 4: Resolution a’Don’t Do It


We’re four days to the New Year and I realized today that it is an absolute necessity that people not make resolutions this year.

Seriously.

Think about it – every year, people make the most typical and cliched resolutions they can find. “I’m going to find true love” and “I’m finally going to get in shape” are among the most annoying. Here are the worst, and here’s why:

I’m finally going to get in shape. 

This is sort of a selfish one because (to be quite honest), I’m getting sick and tired of people joining my gym in the first month or so of the year and clogging up my favorite machines. See that above? That’s me – enjoying the peace and quiet of the gym at the end of the year when everyone’s lost any semblance of giving a shit about their physical shape whilst shoveling bucketfuls of yams down their gullets. And anyway, by Valentine’s Day everyone that resolved to get in shape has then moved back into depression-binge eating when they inevitably have to suffer the misery of Table for One on the big day-o-love. So let’s just skip past the false attempts at making amends with our bodies and keep porking down the In ‘n’ Out four-by-fours through the New Years.

I’m going to help others in need more.

This usually means “I’m going to run a marathon” which is cool and all as a one-time thing (not too much more, though, says the world’s leading cardiologists…), although since everyone and their stupid assed mother is running a marathon now, it’s like everyone’s also got their hands out trying to pressure you into making some kind of a donation to their cause. There are so many ways that you can help others in need than just running a marathon though (which, by the way – many times is done through a training program that requires donations and has a considerable “off the top” administrative fee those donations go towards…). My point is that by March of every year, I’m inundated with donation requests from friends running in an event to help X cause and it makes me not want to ever talk to them again – not because I don’t want to donate, but because I can only donate so much. The other annoying as shit aspect of the “help others more” resolution is in the “help others more and by ‘help others more’ I mean playing stupid fucking Facebook awareness games, like ‘post the color of your bra’ or ‘change your profile picture to your favorite cartoon character.'” Posting those “blaa blaa blaa guilt guilt blaa blaa 98% of you won’t repost” things doesn’t do shit either.

I am going to get a better education, dammit !! !!! !!

Unless you are willing to give up your LOLs, your OMGs, and your incessant refusal to use your punctuation properly (OMG !!), save your fucking money.

Thanks for giving me nightmares, http://www.graphicshunt.com

Next year, that chick is resolving to finally get herself a man.

Good luck, sweetheart. But seriously – this is probably the most unrealistic of the New Years Resolutions – the “I’m going to get a relationship.” It’s completely unrealistic because of the lack of control each person has in actually accomplishing it. A resolution is supposed to be something that you can control – something you can actually “get.” Now, you can control things like whether you let your body hair go wild (note: I photoshopped the hair off my own legs in my workout photo above …); you can control the removal of unsightly warts and sebaceous cysts that look akin to something like a conjoined twin. You cannot control whether all your fancy-pants dolling up is going to result in a relationship. You can control your mouth (unless, of course, you are me); you cannot control whether you will meet someone that likes you for who you really are. It’s about the right time and place, in the exact situation and the emotional maturity that is on par with the other person. Relationships are not something you just “get.”

So am I going to make a resolution anyway and be a total douche-face of an hypocrite? No. No I’m not.

That’s a lie. I actually am. I’m a total hypocrite, I know. What is it you ask? Not something you’ll find on the United States Government’s list of “popular resolutions” (why the shit is our government spending time categorizing these lists?). And not something that I’m doing for any of those bull shit reasons listed above, either.

I’m resolving to drink more chocolate milk. I joke not, faithful blog followers – it’s just so tasty. I’m thinking of going the Fat Free Ovaltine route.

Hey you know what you should resolve to do? Fan my blog on Facebook. I’m starting to feel tears well up in the back of my eyes at the thought of not achieving my by-30 goal of 100 fans. Please …?


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5 Comments on “New Years Countdown Series, Day 4: Resolution a’Don’t Do It

  1. No resolutions for me either. Don’t even celebrate the holiday. Was actually in a rare occurrence going to hang out with a friend for the evening, but she canceled on me, for having a headache. She has a lot of headaches… but it just meant more “me” time, which is one of my favorite kinds of time. And resolving to get a man/woman is stupid. I feel sorry for people that are so desperate to cling to someone/anyone that they just don’t feel right unless they’re dating all the time. I never date for the sake of dating, never have before either.

  2. I never make NY resolutions– I think it’s because I am too lazy. But it’s also b/c I think they are bull&%#^. Love the gym one… so so true. Ugh!

  3. Pingback: Contrasting the Ancient Practice of Onanism and making New Years Resolution « A Spoonful of Suga

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