I love my friends, particularly because they are just as bitchy as I am. The other day, I noticed one of my friends posted on Facebook about New Years and something about punching anyone in the face that says “see you next year!” I cannot stand that cheesy crap – you know, when someone says something blatantly corny and you feel required to either (a) laugh in earnest, or (b) pretend-fake laugh, like “hah … hah …” in an effort to let the cheese ball know that you still appreciate their cheesiness. In either event, all this does is encourage people to keep doing it.

So, back to the post – I thought that if he was bitching about that, he probably had other things to bitch about. This being the B(itch)Log, it only fit for me to ask him to do a guest post. So here’s my first guest blogger – who at the suggestion of doing this said I’m gonna feel like Peter Griffen from Family Guy when he had his own li’l news spot called ‘What Grinds My Gears.’ In reality, our guest blogger couldn’t be any further from the Family Guy “star,” but it’s a good pseudonym, and if he’s anything like me, he’s always wanted to be a cartoon character. So rock it, Peter Griffen.

(And in keeping with the fact that I can’t keep my mouth shut, well, ever, I’ve inserted my comments in green…)

Peter Griffen’s Holiday Rant

You wanted a little rant so, here it is.  And this is the popping of my blog cherry – you would say [yes, I would … and you’ve popped my guest post cherry too].

New Years…. a new beginning of sorts you can say; or what I like to call another reason to celebrate with friends and loved ones, and a reason to drink.  [What isn’t?!] In most aspects, excessively!  [Again, what isn’t?!] 

Now don’t get me wrong, I love New Years. But there are a lot of things that I hate that go along with it.  For instance (and I posted about this earlier on Facebook), the Idiocracy [such a good movie!] of people saying on New Year’s Eve “I will see you next year.”  People in some demented way think it’s cute or funny, but (in fact) it’s just straight-up dumb. And it lacks any kind of moral humor.  That’s why I said that if anyone so dares utter those words to me in a joyful, playful statement that I will punch them in the face! [By contrast, the idea of punching someone for trying to be joyful is humor to me…this is why Peter Griffen and I are friends, and probably why a lot of people don’t like either of us …]

Now, for some of the other traditions that go along with it that I do understand … well,l I just don’t want to.  Like the singing of Auld Lang Syne. (One) most people dont even know the name of the song, they just call it the ‘New Years Song.’ (Two) the majority of people only know the first line of the song “…for auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind…” followed by mumble mumble mumble, lip sync and look around so people think I know the words and then – lastly – just drink more and forget the song is playing.

Next, resolutions… WHAT IS THE POINT?  [My sentiments exactly.] Why say that you are going to do something that you know whole-heartedly you aren’t going to do?  In a lot of cases, it’s most likely to… well I don’t really know.  […done by people whose lives are so mundane that while out on New Years Eve they have nothing better to talk about? … just a thought…] And for the most part the resolution is basically about something that the person should have been doing for their whole life. Like stop smoking, eat healthier, be nicer to people, and probably the most overly used “go to the gym and work out more”.   87% of resolutions are broken within the first week of the New Year, and the rest are just forgotten within a month’s time…. true story!  Also statements that use a percentage in them to get a point across are most likely made up.  Yes it’s a made up percentage that I used but honestly it is most likely pretty damn accurate. [There’s the Peter Griffen tangent … so actually your made up statistics are pretty accurate. Gallop polling  suggests that up to 90% of resolutions are broken within weeks of New Years. Another study done a few years back showed that of the remaining people who had made a resolution and kept with it in the following months, 54% surveyed reported to have still forgotten about or had given the resolution up by the end of June. And regarding statistics in general, everyone knows that if a statistic is not fake, chances are it is either skewed or bias. The stats I just cited are sponsored by organizations very likely trying to guilt people into actually keeping their resolutions next year… nice little tangent, there Family Guy…]

What else is there? … what else, what else, what else …

I’m sure there are a lot more things done that I see pointless and just straight up ridiculous, but……….  wait, watching a giant ball drop down in New York City while you are in a different time zone. [This always made me wonder … because we have our own cool countdown things too, so why not watch those?] Watching crappy bands play on their tv specials, along with the point of views of celebrities that we could care even less about.  [Shoot me in the face, Justin Bieber is on Rockin’ New Years Eve this year…] And come on now, just let that old guy relax – he’s barely alive as it is and shouldn’t be having a ‘rockin’ New Years Eve!

Now as I wrap this up, there are other things that I have left out. But they wouldn’t matter to me anyway. Every year since I have discovered alcohol, I have gotten drunk with friends and sometimes not remembered what happened anyway so I don’t pay much attention to them at all. [I do … how about we talk about the New Years Kiss? BARF!]

Your Faithful Ranter,

Peter Griffen

P.S. I know the old fart’s name: Dick Clark. [Even with a name, he’s still probably a robot.]