Let’s start off with a confession: I have a terribly debilitating addiction to Diet Coke. Without the fushion of caffeine, aspartame, and bubbles, I am completely nonfunctional. Most of the time I have some around the house, or stop somewhere to get it on my way home from the gym in the morning. Every once in a while, though, I am stuck in the miserable position of having to go to the local Circle K. If I don’t have my Diet Coke by around noon, though, I become a rampant she-beast. This is nothing like any of you have seen before, faithful blog followers.
For a while I have been compiling a list of things that seem to happen often when I am at the dreaded convenience store. I like to call them Circle K WTFs:
1) People purchasing Extenze. For a while, I thought that the only people that shopped at my local Circle K besides myself were people in need of natural male enhancement. About a month ago, I saw a couple there to buy the male and female version of it – and she was stroking the guy’s junk right there while they waited for the cashier to get it out of the case. Hey lady, I bet your husband can’t get it up because you think the Circle K is the best place for foreplay.
2) The unnecessarily high level of Too Much Information. So today I went to the Circle K to acquire my glorious flow of caramel coloring and artificial flavors and these two kids were getting ICEEs with their mom. The mom decided to walk back and get a Lotto ticket and one of the kids yelled “mom I’m starting to prairiedog!!” After Googling what that meant, I realized this was another huge Circle K WTF – people are always there shouting out way more than any of us needs to hear about a complete stranger.
3) Circle K’s ‘Meth Addicts ONLY’ hiring policy. I don’t mean to judge, especially when I just admitted to my own addiction, but allow me to stereotype Circle K employees anyway and say that they all seem to be on or addicted to methamphetamines. One time I was there in line and I thought any moment we were going to have to call 9-1-1 because for sure the shaking and twitching drug addict behind the cash register was going to drop to the floor.
4) Elderly women fondling their own asses. Have you ever noticed that elderly women often rub and hold on to their asses while they walk? Pay attention next time your grandma is in town, or you eat out at a place frequented by the elderly. It never fails when I go to the Circle K, though, that some old woman is there to get her Lotto tickets and she’s standing there rubbing her bum. I can see making sure you don’t have Little Debbie crumbs all over yourself, or a line of toilet paper trailing out the back, but why rub for so long? I’m talking for minutes here, people.
5) Any candy bars or chips with that? I don’t know if it’s the meth or Circle K’s poor corporate policies, but when I go to get my Diet Coke I am always asked “any candy bars or chips with that?” But when I say “no” I always get an “are you sure?” One of these days I’m going to say “you know what… I completely forgot… I wanted to get six Snickers bars, a few boxes of Twinkies, a case of chips, a 186 ounce cherry ICEE, and why don’t you throw in some of those Trojan Magnums and a box of Female Extenze too…”
As you can see, my Diet Coke bottle is empty and I’m still feeling extra-bitchy, so I must return to Circle K for another round. Maybe now is my chance to respond to that ridiculous ‘candy bars or chips’ question, or at least I can stand in line and rub my own ass excessively like those old ladies always do…