The B(itch)’s Brain Gruel: Happy Birthday Nick, Are you on DivorceBook? and an Award with a Side of STFU

This may possibly be the most random conglomerate of things the B(itch) has to blog about, ever. But after the last few weeks that I’ve had of chaos, drama, and things just not going right, we’re lucky I can form a complete sentence – my mind really feels that mushy at this point. (Hopefully this does not portend to the way 2012 will be going…) It’s like a steaming hot bowl full of gruel, my brain right now – filled with the things I need to do, say, and get out there. So let’s just get right to it.

Happy Birthday Nick!

That’s right, it’s the life-partner’s birthday tomorrow and chances are that until he gets home, I will completely forget to wish him well. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that my mother is coming over and asked what he wants, and that we’re making a party chip birthday cake (whose box has been set on the counter for about a week now), I may have forgotten altogether. So I’m doing it on the ol’ B(itch)log in hopes this will negate the hurt feelings when he gets to work tomorrow and sees no text (I’m usually not even awake by the time he gets to work), gets no call, and has no surprise “early” birthday gift waiting in the office for him to open. He’ll be getting none of those, actually.

And people wonder why he hates me.

So Happy Birthday Nick! Hopefully your 31st year doesn’t turn out like my dad’s did when he was your age, which can be summed up in one word he knew all too well by the time he rang in his 32nd birthday: comb-over.

Are you on DivorceBook?

Here’s something completely random that I’ve been wanting to blog about for a few weeks now, but haven’t had enough to justify writing an entire blog: DivorceBook. I’ve said before that they may as well rename Facebook the Major Life Event Announcement Site. Everyone is up on the ‘Book these days as it would seem to just post photographs of their children, announce wedding events, brag about their new job, and show off their ugly ass engagement rings. Well now that I’m getting close to 30, and a lot of my friends have been married going on five, six, some even seven years now, we’ve hit the most awkward of Major Life Event Announcements: the divorce.

What is sad about it, though, is that people are actually using that whole “So and so is now Single” as a way to let people know that they are now divorced. As if the phone no longer exists, or even a private message wouldn’t suffice. No, I’ll just tell them by letting them see and comment on my pathetic relationship status! And if someone is connected to you on Facebook, but you wouldn’t actually ever call them to tell them about the breaking of your marital vows – well, then why the hell do they need to know about it anyway? Why not just leave that shit off your page altogether? This is just another level of Facebook relationship drama, and it’s just as stupid as the couple that flops back and forth between “In a relationship” and “Single” more often than my moods do from complacent to flippantly irritated.

The real reason for this post … another Award!

Special thanks to Lolabees and MrMary… for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger award!! (And a SPECIAL thanks to MrMary… for calling me “the flyest bitch around…”) Lolabees talked about something I have thought myself in her post, whether these blogger awards are really like chain letters – but her conclusion is akin to mine: who cares, I’ll take it!

So you are supposed to first pass it along: Talinorfali (your writing is beautiful, lady, as are your recipes – and I greatly look forward to reading more in the future); Becoming Cliche (I just recently discovered this blog … but I love it and cannot tell you how much I identify with the tagline “my journey to becoming my mother” – her posts are versatile and witty to boot); Disseminated Thought (I’m pretty sure he already has received this, but I’ll nominate him again anyway … great writer, hilarious person – on all manner of things); JWo (love the posts, and each new one is always different than the last); and last but most certainly not the least, Frugalista (not only for her versatility and sheer awesomeness, but for inventing the acronym AYFKM).

Then you are supposed to tell seven more goddamned things about yourself. As if I didn’t offer up enough confessions in my 7X7 award, or in my New Years Day post. Here goes nothing:

1. I mentioned before that I love gangsta’ rap, but I have to admit my #1, all-time favorite song is and always will be: Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.” Don’t judge.

2. I really and truly believe a lot of people to be stupider than me, and I feel awful for it. I don’t mean stupider in the sense that I know more, but stupider in the sense that they seem to think they know everything. I am a virulent Socratic – I believe truly that the only thing I really and truly know is that I know nothing. As a result, the majority of people I come across that talk so pompously as if they know everything, or are highly skilled on one thing – well I realize how truly ignorant they are. And it actually makes me sad.

3. The level to which I am a princess and a prima donna makes me a little sick to my stomach. But at the same time, I like it – I am a walking paradox.

4. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with swearing, which is why I do it so much. A word is a word; just because a group of people decide it has a bad or morally wrong connotation to it doesn’t make it less a word than it is. Words are among the most beautiful things on the planet – I have no idea how anyone could call one “bad.”

5. 9 times out of 10 that I eat Mexican food, I moan (literally) in ecstasy. Since I moved to California from a suburb of Chicago whose idea of Mexican food was the combination Taco Bell-KFC drive-thru, authentic Mexican food has been a staple part of my diet. That means that at least once every couples of weeks, I moan orgasmically – often in public – when I bite into a chip loaded with salsa.

6. Some days I wake up missing my friends and family, and my life in Chicago, so much that I feel like it’s all I can do to get up and take a shower. No matter how long I’ve been in California, it will just never be the same. How do I get over it, you ask? I read all the incessant bitching and complaining on Facebook my friends that still live there do about how hot/humid/cold/freezing/tornadoey the weather is.

7. I have an unhealthy obsession with PhotoShopping my head onto seemingly bizarre people or things. My housewife blog from a few days ago contained one I am quite proud of…

Can I get a side order of STFU with that?

As I mentioned about 900 words ago, the last two weeks have been exceptionally shitty. Everything seems to be going wrong, entire days are being wasted in fruitless efforts to get things done, the class I was going to take this semester got canceled due to low enrollment, and so it would seem 2012 has brought on the Year of the Asshole. I don’t want this year to be bad, so have decided that we should all agree we will not hesitate when staring in the face of the need to shout a resounding STFU. I don’t care if it’s your mom, your dad, your husband, or the dumb bitch in the Burger King drive-thru that can’t catch the difference between “Sprite” and “fries” – if the need for an STFU arises, do not hesitate faithful blog followers. I know that in the interest of preserving my own sanity, I won’t be hesitating one bit.


  1. Congratulations on your Versatile Blogger Award! And good post here too – I always enjoy a good mix of biting humor and sarcasm combined with the truth. Keep up the good work!

  2. Thank you for bestowing me with such kind words. I truly deserve them.
    Sorry you have had a crappy start to 2012. There are always people worse off than you, remember that.
    It’s nice to see another paradox. I love being all intellectual, reading Goethe, then watching back to back episodes of Jerseylicious.
    Who DOESN’T just jam out to Ice Ice Baby? Even if they ripped off the beginning chords from Under Pressure by Queen.

    • Hah!
      You are right, other people are worse off but thanks for the condolences nonetheless. I hope this isn’t how everything goes this year, although it isn’t anything major per se, just one lesson in frustration after another.
      My loving and hating being a princess is actually only the tip of the iceberg of my status as a walking paradox. I’m a little horrified that you watch that Jersey crap, but then whenever it comes on the TV in the nail salon, I have to admit that something about all that orange skin is mesmerizing.
      Love Vanilla Ice and love Queen too actually.

  3. Glad to hear that “Happy Birthday Nick, Are you on Divorcebook?” was not one long topic… I admit, when I opened the link, I thought it was your way of wishing him a happy birthday and simultaneously announcing that you wanted a divorce. Sidenote: I like most of your seven confessions, but unless you’ve changed that much, I have to disagree with number 3. Just my opinion.

    • Hahaha – you have to know that my mother in law opened this blog (which I can see by my stats page because she’s a subscriber), I’m wondering if that’s what she thought I was saying. The last time was my post “A Miserable Marriage” hahah.
      Are you saying you don’t believe I am a princess or prima donna? If so – oh Mario…
      Thanks for reading 🙂

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