Things a Married Man Should Never Say…

…to his wife.

I’m sure this is going to be filed under the “reasons we hate Heather”-file as far as the in-laws are concerned (although I am fairly certain they don’t read this blog… they are far too busy listening to Hello Kitty Toaster tell stories about looking at herself in the mirror, or engorging themselves on cheesy EYEtalian food). This is likely because I won’t lie and say that at least half of the items on this “Things Married Men Should Never Say” list at one time or another didn’t come out of my husband’s mouth. Because they did. I mean, how else would I even have the basis for coming up with some of this shit? What, am I supposed to lie?

To be honest, I’m also out for revenge this morning. There are a lot of things I appreciate about my husband. For one, he puts up with my horrific cooking. He also remains married to me despite the fact that I hate the industry in which he works, mock his snobbery when it comes to music all the time, and make the gag-me face every time he suggests cooking (because his cooking is even worse than mine). My husband even attempts to have a sense of humor, despite the fact that he is generally very serious – since humor and satire, and laughing, are essential to my daily existence. What I do not appreciate about my husband, though, is that what comes with that seriousness is an uninhibited (yet unintentional) lack of care or concern for anyone’s feelings. He is so serious and removed from almost every situation (stolid and austere, you might say), that he has no idea when he says something that is more fucked up than the brother and sister I saw making out down the street from my father’s house the other day. (Yep…you heard me right – brother and sister; neighbors of my father and the chick used to be our babysitter…)

A lot of husbands are like this; in fact, it takes a long time for a man to learn to be emotionally present in any situation, especially a marriage. Unless your husband is naturally effeminate [insert long pause for insinuation], chances are at one time or another (probably many) he has said something that belongs on this list. That doesn’t make it OK, though.

Last night, my husband said one of those fucked up things. We were organizing my half of the closet – it was previously a disaster, now a masterpiece in organization, and I came across my wedding dress. Doubling the organization as also an opportunity to get rid of old things, we were bagging up old clothes I wanted to get rid of to lighten the load. I asked him what he thought we should do with the wedding dress and he responded “I don’t care.” I looked at him – absolutely horrified that he would say he didn’t care about preserving the dress I wore on the day we solidified our marital bond and he proceeded to insert his foot even further into his mouth with “What, Heather? Why should I care? I’m not the one who wore it.”

Sadly, he still doesn’t seem to understand why that hurt.

So the first thing on our list of Things a Married Man Should Never Say… to his wife is #1 “I don’t care what you do with your wedding dress, I’m not the one who wore it.” (…or anything from the wedding really, for that matter.)

#2 “Geez…what did you do to your hair? …it looks so … poofy.” If the words “you look beautiful” are not coming out in relation to your wife’s looks, you should just keep your yap shut. There is too much room for error and miscommunication, and if she’s like me she’ll sit around all day wondering why she looks so awful to you.

#3 “I don’t know any other women that do that.” It doesn’t matter, asshole. Your wife isn’t “other women.”

#4 “That’s something you should figure out.” Can we say abandonment? My husband said this to me recently about a class I was supposed to take that got canceled, and the first thing I thought was to call him since working out problems together is the principle function of marriage. Don’t do it, men!

#5  “I thought I was going to marry someone that had the same career goals as me.” Then why don’t you go marry her, jerk.

#6 “I’m just adding some salt and pepper because I know your cooking is usually pretty bland.” My husband has never said this, but he does automatically add salt and pepper to everything. Never have I been so offended as the time I spent four hours making butternut squash soup – seasoning it perfectly – and without even trying it, he piled tons of salt and pepper in it. I sat there staring at him, absolutely disgusted that he had done that and he just looked at me cluelessly and said “what?”

#7 “Long day? You look tired.” I get that this is an attempt to be nice, but it really isn’t.

#8 “You sound like your mother.” There are very few people in the world that would respond well to this. Nothing against your mom, but this is usually meant as an insult. Don’t do it, guys.

#9 “Your half of the check is …” Okay, every family manages money differently. Fair enough. But when out on Date Night, charging your wife for half the bill is wrong. Do you ever do nice things for your wife? Because chances are if you are tallying up her half of the bill for Friday night sushi, you don’t.

I can think of a whole host of these…but these are really the cream of the crop. Do yourself a favor, guys, and just don’t do it. You will save yourself a world of hard feelings and subsequent silent treatment. And if your wife is like me, keeping your yap shut will prevent a blog written about your horrible words too.


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  1. Troy

    I think you’re a wonderful writer. 🙂 Muah!

  2. janee

    men can be complete idiots and stare at you with a blank look , dum asses!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Agreed!! My husband just sits there and blinks!!

  3. janee

    my husband is a dum ass of asses

  4. Frugalistablog

    OH MY GOD! Are our husbands distant separated twins??
    My husband is the nicest man. He’s so considerate, my friends tell me. But he has zilch passion or shred of emotion when it comes to so many things.
    What your husband SHOULD’VE said about the wedding dress was, let’s see if our little girl would like it or someone in the family (like Hello kitty toaster’s offspring).

    And I had to read the paragraph several times about the incestuous brother and sister. I couldn’t believe it at first.
    You have every right to be pissed.

    OH, my husband’s most used phrase; when it comes to my body image after baby. Me, “Honey, I’ve been running and average of 2 miles a day and have been doing pilates daily. It’s working huh?
    Him, “Yeah, you’re getting there.”
    WHAT?? I’m GETTING THERE??? Shit, I’m THERE goddammit!!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I think our husbands might -in fact- be twins, separated at birth!! He says “you’re getting there” to a LOT of things for me too!

      “What did you think of the chapter I sent you?” “You’re getting there.”
      “How do you like the homemade spaghetti sauce?” “You’re getting there.”

      I also like –
      “Did you read my blog?”
      “What did you think?”
      “It’s nothing you haven’t already said before.”

      Isn’t that incest thing creepy? That trick is so NOT babysitting for us anymore! It was really shocking!!

  5. Chris Sheridan

    I’ll only comment on the wedding dress, because I’d bet some serious money that if your husband hadn’t said what he did about your wedding dress, you wouldn’t have thought about all these other transgressions and written this post about them.

    I’m a man, and surprise, surprise, I too can be an insensitive jerk to my wife at times. But I really try not to be an insensitive jerk, and when I have been, I know how to deliver a sincere and genuinely heartfelt “I’m sorry” and deliver it with more than just words.

    The wedding dress comments would upset any woman, and even on my worst day, that’s one mistake I would never make. I can understand why that really bothered you.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That’s very nice of you! You are right, a lot of women would be hurt by such a comment…but a lot would not as well. It all depends on the people, the dynamic, etc. I ended up folding the dress up and shoving it into the small box I have that has things from when we were dating.

      I think that most guys try not to be an ‘insensitive jerk,’ just as most women try not to be ‘crazy bitches’ hahah! But everyone has their moments and the most important part is: if you can’t think ahead enough to prevent it, at least think back enough to say you are sorry.

      Thanks for commenting on my post!!!

  6. Rellik R. Rellik

    Not that it’s really important, per se, but the brother and sister thing: was she hot?

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That’s disgusting. And no.

  7. Mark

    Let me explain #2 from a guy’s perspective. The worst thing you can tell a guy is “I don’t care if you’re getting ________ (fat, bald, wrinkled), I love you anyway.” What he hears is “I don’t care how you look,” and like it or not, he probably does. He won’t believe you anyway. If a guy screws up his courage enough to actually tell you that he doesn’t like something you did (with your hair, your clothing, the way you decorated), he’s really telling you in his clumsy way that he cares.

    And #4? Jesus, women, could you make up your damn minds already? For years feminists have pounded it in our heads that you don’t want us to help you solve your problems. You want to figure it out on your own and you just want us to listen. Did that change again? Would someone please update the rule book?

    #3 is a complete novel on its own. I’ve stopped saying it because it does no good – mostly on account of her insisting that her behavior is completely normal. That, plus the only time she actually did listen to me, she wound up with a lifetime supply of Lexapro. She’s as stubborn as I am and I think having to admit that I’ve been right all along would probably kill her.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I think there is a difference, though, between (1) a woman wanting to be able to figure some things out for herself; and (2) a woman going to her husband to work together on something only to be told that she should figure it out on her own. A lot about marriages is figured out *together* so when a woman does attempt to do so, being told to just deal with it or figure it out is shitty.

  8. tiffany

    Normally I totally agree with you. However, I totally don’t get #1. I know I’m like anti-woman when it comes to weddings, but my wedding was about getting married and having a marriage. Not about having a wedding. Therefore, while I think I have two wedding pics up in my house (probably only because they are like the only pics I have of me and my hubby together), the whole wedding thing is not a big deal at all. The marriage thing is important. On a side note – I have no idea where my wedding dress is. It could be in my cloet somewhere. Or its at my parents house somewhere.

    #5 – yeah, thats a biggie. One of those things to discuss (and agree on) prior to marriage.

    #9 – I totally don’t understand how people in marriages keep money separate, so I don’t get this. What my husband brings home is mine, what I bring home is his, so no matter who physically pays its the same. I do know couples that do this, just don’t get it.

    How about: “That looks terrible on you. You should not wear that color ever.” (the color: black. Like half of my wardrobe. Apparently I’m “too pale” to wear black) or “You look so much older than you are.” (REALLY?????) He didn’t think there was anything wrong with that cuz its true. (AGAIN: REALLY???)

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      For #1, I agree with you – it isn’t about the wedding, but the marriage. I know that my husband attaches every bit of feeling and emotion to physical things, though. If he has to throw away something that is his, it grates at him as a person (I know…doesn’t make a lot of sense, but he is an ardent materialist.) So for him to not care at all about the things that are representative of our marriage, for him it implies that he doesn’t care about the marriage itself.

      The last time I said I felt I looked old, Nick responded “but it’s not about how old you look, but how old you feel isn’t it?” Seriously?!

  9. Rellik R. Rellik

    I’ve said number three, but always meant it in a good way (you do this amazing thing that I love and, “I don’t know any other women who do that”). I’ve said number seven as well, but it’s always followed up by me “offering” (read into this, me making her go along with it) to do something that will help her relax (massage, hot bath, making dinner, etc.) And now you and your faithful blog comment readers probably think I’m a jerk too.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      No, I don’t think anyone will think you are a jerk! What you are describing is very sweet!

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