…to his wife.
I’m sure this is going to be filed under the “reasons we hate Heather”-file as far as the in-laws are concerned (although I am fairly certain they don’t read this blog… they are far too busy listening to Hello Kitty Toaster tell stories about looking at herself in the mirror, or engorging themselves on cheesy EYEtalian food). This is likely because I won’t lie and say that at least half of the items on this “Things Married Men Should Never Say” list at one time or another didn’t come out of my husband’s mouth. Because they did. I mean, how else would I even have the basis for coming up with some of this shit? What, am I supposed to lie?
To be honest, I’m also out for revenge this morning. There are a lot of things I appreciate about my husband. For one, he puts up with my horrific cooking. He also remains married to me despite the fact that I hate the industry in which he works, mock his snobbery when it comes to music all the time, and make the gag-me face every time he suggests cooking (because his cooking is even worse than mine). My husband even attempts to have a sense of humor, despite the fact that he is generally very serious – since humor and satire, and laughing, are essential to my daily existence. What I do not appreciate about my husband, though, is that what comes with that seriousness is an uninhibited (yet unintentional) lack of care or concern for anyone’s feelings. He is so serious and removed from almost every situation (stolid and austere, you might say), that he has no idea when he says something that is more fucked up than the brother and sister I saw making out down the street from my father’s house the other day. (Yep…you heard me right – brother and sister; neighbors of my father and the chick used to be our babysitter…)
A lot of husbands are like this; in fact, it takes a long time for a man to learn to be emotionally present in any situation, especially a marriage. Unless your husband is naturally effeminate [insert long pause for insinuation], chances are at one time or another (probably many) he has said something that belongs on this list. That doesn’t make it OK, though.
Last night, my husband said one of those fucked up things. We were organizing my half of the closet – it was previously a disaster, now a masterpiece in organization, and I came across my wedding dress. Doubling the organization as also an opportunity to get rid of old things, we were bagging up old clothes I wanted to get rid of to lighten the load. I asked him what he thought we should do with the wedding dress and he responded “I don’t care.” I looked at him – absolutely horrified that he would say he didn’t care about preserving the dress I wore on the day we solidified our marital bond and he proceeded to insert his foot even further into his mouth with “What, Heather? Why should I care? I’m not the one who wore it.”
Sadly, he still doesn’t seem to understand why that hurt.
So the first thing on our list of Things a Married Man Should Never Say… to his wife is #1 “I don’t care what you do with your wedding dress, I’m not the one who wore it.” (…or anything from the wedding really, for that matter.)
#2 “Geez…what did you do to your hair? …it looks so … poofy.” If the words “you look beautiful” are not coming out in relation to your wife’s looks, you should just keep your yap shut. There is too much room for error and miscommunication, and if she’s like me she’ll sit around all day wondering why she looks so awful to you.
#3 “I don’t know any other women that do that.” It doesn’t matter, asshole. Your wife isn’t “other women.”
#4 “That’s something you should figure out.” Can we say abandonment? My husband said this to me recently about a class I was supposed to take that got canceled, and the first thing I thought was to call him since working out problems together is the principle function of marriage. Don’t do it, men!
#5 “I thought I was going to marry someone that had the same career goals as me.” Then why don’t you go marry her, jerk.
#6 “I’m just adding some salt and pepper because I know your cooking is usually pretty bland.” My husband has never said this, but he does automatically add salt and pepper to everything. Never have I been so offended as the time I spent four hours making butternut squash soup – seasoning it perfectly – and without even trying it, he piled tons of salt and pepper in it. I sat there staring at him, absolutely disgusted that he had done that and he just looked at me cluelessly and said “what?”
#7 “Long day? You look tired.” I get that this is an attempt to be nice, but it really isn’t.
#8 “You sound like your mother.” There are very few people in the world that would respond well to this. Nothing against your mom, but this is usually meant as an insult. Don’t do it, guys.
#9 “Your half of the check is …” Okay, every family manages money differently. Fair enough. But when out on Date Night, charging your wife for half the bill is wrong. Do you ever do nice things for your wife? Because chances are if you are tallying up her half of the bill for Friday night sushi, you don’t.
I can think of a whole host of these…but these are really the cream of the crop. Do yourself a favor, guys, and just don’t do it. You will save yourself a world of hard feelings and subsequent silent treatment. And if your wife is like me, keeping your yap shut will prevent a blog written about your horrible words too.
Heather Christena Schmidt 
Leave a Reply