Heather Christena Schmidt

I’m sorry…for a while I tried to embrace the whole obsession that purveyors of the Internet seem to have with the Sons of the Soil. You know who I’m talking about: local yokels, slumiky backwoodsman, hillbillies, hill rods, goat ropers, rednecks, white trash, country bumpkins; people who are business up front and party in the back, mountain williams.

But for reals, what is the deal? Every day I log in to my Site Stats (obsessively, I will admit … I’m an attention whore of the worst kind), and new search terms pop up, many of which fall under one of two categories: (1) pornography, or (2) hillbillies. So I’ve decided to respond to a few of the searches from the last few days in hopes that I might answer the questions that burn at the hearts and minds of the general public about all things trailer trash.

But I still don’t get it.

Redneck Food

I’m not sure why someone would Google search this, unless of course they were either entertaining people they felt to be rednecks (and wanted them to feel at home…errr, trailer), or trying to figure out if they were eating foods actually considered for hillbillies. I know people always joke about how people of a trailer trash persuasion eat road kill and raccoons, but I don’t actually know if that really happens. I mean… wouldn’t they get really sick?

In any event, there are a few things that I consider to be redneck food, although what do I know? We eat three course meals every night simply because if we didn’t I would probably drink even more than I already do out of sheer boredom. And it’s usually pretty yuppy-ish food because my husband is a complete food snob (he is a hipster…the worst kind of hillbilly, I know).

1. Cream cheese covered in salsa with crackers for dipping. I’ve never actually eaten this but have been to parties where the host joked about how that was an appetizer for rednecks that she actually loved. I’ve seen it at this girl’s parties quite a few times, but rarely has anyone touched it.

2. Chitlins. What the fuck are chitlins?

3. Anything from Kentucky Fried Chicken. I know, everyone loves KFC, but whether you love it or not, it’s hillbilly food. I don’t eat at KFC unless I really want corn on the cob and am too lazy to cook it. The most quintessential white trash thing to do is to head to a pot luck, where everyone is bringing home cooked dishes, and someone comes in and slaps down a 10-piece bucket of legs and thighs. Trailer. Trash.

4. That new grilled cheese sandwich from Denny’s that has mozzarella cheese sticks fried into the inside of the sandwich. Holy God is this thing disgusting.

5. Biscuits made from the dust off the floor. This is no joke, faithful blog followers. During the Great Depression, all the Oakies that were trying to make it out West, yet starving in the process, would sweep up the dust off the floor of their cars and mix it with the little flour and water they had to make biscuits. I dated a guy a long time ago whose grandmother had grown up during this time, and swore it was still a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Hillbilly on a toilet

I addressed this a long time ago in my blog on Toilet Humor, and yet almost every week some weirdo is out there looking for photographs of a hillbilly on a toilet. Well I will indulge you perverts one more time…

And for those of you unaware, there are still people that use or at least have outhouses. When my parents got divorced, my mom moved to Olympia, WA but worked in this little, dinky town called Matlock. Every summer and winter break until I graduated from high school, I had to spend my time hanging around that God awful place while my mom worked. Quickly, I learned that Matlock consisted of only three things: (1) a general store that served as the “Matlock Mall,” (2) a K – 12 school (where my mother worked), and (3) a bunch of people that lived in the woods and had outhouses.

Redneck trans am

WTF does this even mean? Do rednecks only drive Trans Ams? Well I had to do a little bit of research on this one because to be honest I didn’t even know what a fucking Trans Am was. Rednecks are not the only people that drive Trans Ams, however you are most definitely a redneck if you replace the tires on your Trans Am with monster truck tires like this:

This is perhaps the stupidest shit I have ever seen in my life. Hands down.

Hillbilly Holidays

We’ve discussed this before, particularly when I outlined for everyone how to truly have a Hillbilly Thanksgiving. Now I’m not sure if the person that was Googling this search terms was looking for how to have holidays that already exist be redneckesque, or if mountain williams have their own set of holidays not celebrated (or even recognized for that matter) by the general public. Unless there is some secret I am unaware of relative to the National Rifle Association or hunting season, I do not believe that hillbillies have their own special holidays. However I am now compelled to write a blog in the near future on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day like a true local yokel.

True story of a hillbilly fuck fest

I don’t even know where to go with this, faithful blog followers. I really don’t know. Do hillbillies have “fuck fests?” And what exactly is a “fuck fest?” Is this like an orgy? I imagine it would be interesting, given the lack of teeth and the whole being cool with doing your sister and all, but what in God’s name would someone get out of searching for something like this?

And more importantly, why did it lead them to my blog? Really, why would any of these lead people to my blog? Oh, humanity…