If you are a member of my family, just exit now. You do not want to read this, particularly at the end when I talk about the nether regions I do not eat.
People eat some of the weirdest shit. Seriously. I know that a lot of the attitudes we toothless, hillbillies of ‘merica have towards certain cuisines eaten in other areas of the world are just more of the typical narcissistic bull shit that comes out of our inbred mouths. We think that the way we eat is the only right way, and everyone else is wrong, wrong – so terribly terribly wrong. Yada, yada, blah blah, give me another Big Mac, right?
I must be in the minority in America because I would be perfectly fine with roasting up a little cat and dog for dinner, with a side of bat dung for dessert. But there are a few things I just can’t stomach the thought of.
Elephant Dick
Just now I was perusing the Google News page and saw that a new trend of eating different parts of elephants (“from trunks to sex organs”) is causing a catastrophe in the arena of elephants left living on this earth. All of the matters of the potential endangering of elephants aside, who in God’s name likes to eat elephant dick? Seriously…this is where that shit’s been:
Thanks for that, Animal Planet.
Artichoke Tea
I’m not a fan of artichokes unless it is that cheesy dip you eat with bread. Artichoke hearts, frankly, are usually disgusting and slimy – especially when they come in those jars all pickled. Gross. Take it a step further with artichoke tea and you’ve hit my gag reflex.
Ant Eggs
I have a recurring nightmare in which I accidentally eat the egg of an insect and it ends up cracking open, nesting in my intestines, then laying more eggs and I am infested with some terrifying colony of insects in my colon. The thought of opening a jar of pickled ant eggs and eating them like I do olives everyday at cocktail time makes me want to puke.
Craidillas
A.k.a. a bull’s balls. Reportedly, many cultures have long believed that eating the testicles of any animal is a source of virility. And while pig balls are apparently tastier than the bull variety, the bull ball sack is much more horrifying to look at. Don’t they look sort of squishy to sink your teeth into?
The Mozzarella Cheesestick Grilled Cheese Sandwich at Denny’s
I don’t know why I seem to be sort of obsessed with this sandwich – available at my and many local Denny’s restaurants – but it is just so disgusting. I’m perplexed. Why the shit would you need to add mozzarella cheesesticks inside a sandwich that is already loaded with cheese? It just makes no sense to me.
Haggis
A few months ago, my husband and I were eating at an Irish Pub and Restaurant and he actually looked for haggis on the menu. All I can think of when hearing people talk about the Irish delicacy, though, is a bunch of little sheep, baa’ing their way around a field. The stomach of a sheep is about as appealing as the balls of a bull or the dick of an elephant. Thank you, I’ll pass.
Dick of Donkey
What is with Asians and their obsession with cooking cock? I’m sorry if that comes out sounding horribly wrong, but between the new trend to eat elephant dick in Thailand and the longtime tradition of including dick of donkey in Chinese dishes, I’m a little nauseated. What’s worse about donkey penis is that (according to decodedstuff.com) the thing is served on a bed of lettuce. If you’re going to go that far, why not just stand it upright and lick sauce off of it?
W.T.F. faithful blog followers. W.T.F.
Would you eat any of this horrifying shit, faithful blog followers? I think not. Or maybe I’m just in the minority again. Maybe I’m the only one that doesn’t eat dick.
Heather Christena Schmidt 
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