Heather Christena Schmidt

Last night I had the weirdest dream ever, and I’m pretty sure it’s given me insight into how much I secretly want to be a slut. Okay, not really but still..

In real life, I don’t think I’ve slept with enough guys to even consider it a “gang bang” had they all been at one time. I mean I don’t know what kind of numbers a gang bang is talking about, but you get my point. I’ve been something of a prude, and am far too afraid of sexually transmitted infections to have ever really whored around before I got married. And I never even wanted to – most men I have encountered in my life have been either (a) momma’s boys that still live at home into their late 20s, (b) narcissistic pricks that care only of themselves, or (c) morons.

So back to my dream last night. Dreams are always pretty bizarre for me. I often have a lot of dreams involving the house I grew up in, as well as the pharmacy I worked at for five years while doing my undergrad. Sometimes there are people I recognize in my dream, other times they are complete strangers. Almost always I feel imprisoned in some kind of impossible situation – in jail, trapped on an island. One time I had a dream that one of my professors and I were standing on a beach and right when he was pulling me close to him and putting his hand on my cheek, I woke up – startled.

But I don’t usually dream about sex, or at least the act of it. Probably just more of my prudish behaviors coming out in my subconscious (or maybe the fact that the only dreams I can really remember at this point have been after getting married), but every once in a while there is a dream in which I know or am aware of having gotten busy, but never actually dreamed the act itself.

So last night I got gang banged. Of course it was in my dream, but there are cultures that believe your dreams are the only real things that happen to you, so take that for what you will. Again, I didn’t dream the gang bang itself (sorry to disappoint on those details). But in the entire dream I had known I was involved in a gang bang and I was trying to pick up our apartment in the aftermath. There was wind in the apartment even though the doors and windows were all shut, and things were blowing around everywhere. My husband was at work (as he usually is). At one point he called and I told him about it and he was totally fine with it – he gave me his typical Nick response whenever I tell him anything oh, huh, what else did you do today? It was just me and a disarray of home furnishings, an empty apartment and a memory of the best (only) gang bang this girl’s ever had.

When I woke up this morning, I of course tried to find online some explanation for a gang bang’s appearance in my dream. Obviously I found nothing so can only conclude that it means I secretly want to be a slut. Or that I want attention? I found an explanation for the wind, which was the idea that the wind was making things more of a struggle to pick up, that I may feel some struggle or resistance in daily life. That is most certainly the case. So is the part about attention – after yesterday’s thankless ventures, I feel sort of used and unappreciated for the things I do.

Then again maybe it’s all just a random dream brought about by a series of firing synapses in my brain. Whatever the case may be, it at least made for something to think about today. Otherwise I would have just sat around and watched Desperate Housewives and waited for my husband to come home from work.

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