Heather Christena Schmidt

Ay yay yay.

The other day I saw this absolutely absurd set of pictures on Failblog. It intrigued me so that I looked into it a little and found that A LOT of people do this – this, of course, being making themselves a swimming pool for a little r & r out of a tarp and a lot of rope.

No one really seemed to give any instructions for this, though. While it looks easy, I think we need to be very clear on how to embark on a DIY Swimming Pool.

Step One: Get a haircut

This is probably the first and most important step. Get a haircut. But not just any haircut – one that says get me some chitlins. I’m talking a mullet – cut your hair just so that it’s business on top and party in the back. You will not be able to make your tarp pool without this critical step having been done.

Step Two: Light the fire

While you are preparing your tarp pool, you’ll most certainly get hungry and want to cook up the nearest roadkill you can find. Light the fire in one of the metal trash cans sitting around in your front yard – old nuclear waste bins you dug up out off your old property in Nevada will suffice as well. Once things are nice and toasty, get cooking!

Step Three: Engage in sexual congress with your sister, mother, aunt, cousin, or father

It need not matter who, what, where, or whether you are of the same gender. Incest is the best – put your family to the test, right? Once this step is done, we are ready to get that pool going!

Step Four: Head to your local Home Depot and steal a tarp and rope

The rope you use to hold up your pants will not be enough to put together your tarp pool. The good news is that it’s relatively easy to steal things from Home Depot – all you need to do is fit the items neatly into your overalls and rebutton your flannel shirt. Everyone will think you’ve just eaten one too many opossums.

Step Five: Tie your tarp up to the sides of a flimsy or seemingly illogical place

As you see in the photographs above, the best places for putting together your tarp pool are the back of your truck or up along your fence. Keep in mind: the dirtier the better. It’s best to just start off filthy since it’s going to get dirty up in there anyway.

Step Six: Add water and enjoy!!

Might I suggest you only skinny dip? This seems to be the maximum of enjoyment possibilities in your tarp pool. Nothing says ‘fun’ like having your hillbilly balls hanging out all over your algae-infested tarp pool in the back of your truck, while the wind blowing fans your mullet out all around you as your four hundred pound wife drives the two of you to the closest Sizzler for the Sunday Special.

You’re kidding me right? Seriously, humanity … why?