Heather Christena Schmidt

Mom, first * Writer, second * Misanthrope, always


Jesus Christ, people! I can’t even eat a salad in peace!!

I went to Souplantation today to have lunch with my mother. She’s a woman of many homes, and by that I mean she is a transient that uses people for a place to sleep. Recently, she called me to let me know that she had eloped with a guy she had essentially known for three weeks, but he lives in some hillbilly town in New Mexico and didn’t even buy her a wedding ring (she bought herself the Kmart blue light special which promptly fell apart), so she spends a lot of time meandering around, sleeping on people’s couches and such, and avoiding New Mexico until she feels she needs to get some (her words).

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Back to Souplantation, I was in the bathroom when all of a sudden someone said to me “Heather? Is that you?” and it turned out to be the sister of my husband’s cousin in-law. Did you catch the association? I don’t know how the fuck the lady remembered me from one time we passed by each other like two years ago, but she did and so she accosted me in the bathroom at Souplantation and asked if I wanted to join her and her family. Ultimately, it was very very nice of her – much nicer than I deserve, but I graciously declined because my mother was waiting for me at the table, eating the lunch which I had already paid for (my mom had not even reached for her wallet at the register), and ready to tell me more stories about porking her man on Valentine’s Day (again, her words).

So I returned to the table and all of a sudden I heard these women in line at the salad area screaming at each other. One was a woman probably in her 40s, morbidly obese and with a definite hormonal problem. The other was a skinny lady that clearly had passed into her 70s and was hell-bent on proving her point about who-knows-what? to the world.

The screaming match went like this:

Obese lady with a hormonal problem: “Excuse me, but I don’t fucking live here so I don’t know what the protocol is at the buffet.”

Old skinny hag bent on proving her point: “Well, I’m just saying you could be a little more polite and not hog all the dressing. You know, you look like you could go a little lighter on it anyway.”

Obese lady with a hormonal problem: “What the fuck is your problem you old bitch?”

Old skinny hag bent on proving her point: “My problem is you and what I’m looking at.”

Obese lady with a hormonal problem: “Yeah, well at least you aren’t me.”

Old skinny hag bent on proving her point: “Yeah, I agree. But why?”

Obese lady with a hormonal problem: “Because I have to look at your ugly ass face.”

Then the hormonal bitch waddled away and the old hag threw a piece of tomato in the lady’s direction.

By the time this whole thing was over, I wanted to leave. For Christ’s sakes, all I wanted to do was eat my salad in peace!

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21 thoughts on “All I wanted to do was eat my salad in peace

  1. Arrghhh! It’s a love humanity – hate people situation! Hope you got some peace and quiet somewhere

    1. HAHA! Eventually I did, comfortably nestled with my glass of wine hah!

  2. Smaktakula says:

    If you want to see exotic critters, go to Kenya. But if you want to experience rank humanity at its basest, Souplantation is apparently the place to be!

  3. JWo says:

    We SO need to hang out when come back to Chicagoland… haha…

    You find yourself in the best situations. Maybe not the best to be in at the time, but the best for material.

    Then again it could just be that I don’t get out very much. hahaha…

    1. Hahaha, knowing my friends in Chicago, all you’ll have to do is show up to something we are at and I’m sure the madness will ensue!!! 🙂

  4. LunaSunshine says:

    There is something wacky going on in the universe. I’m going to leave a post later on Pendulum about how I was accosted by a lady on the bus.

    1. I think the universe has gone completely insane!

      1. LunaSunshine says:

        It is 2012 after all. Did you notice that most people have become beligerantly stupid?

      2. It seems epidemic at this point and REALLY and GENUINELY concerns me!!

  5. I can not believe your mother describes her ‘pork’ plans!

    1. I can’t believe she’s been doing it since I was about 13!! Good ol’ mom.

  6. MEAT ME says:

    When does your reality show start? I can’t wait!

    1. I have thought for a long time that someone should follow me around with a camera to make a reality show out of these bizarre goings-on!!

      1. MEAT ME says:

        I was thinking just you and your mom 24/7 that would be amazing!

      2. Probably would!! Unfortunately, they would have to black out probably 1/3 of my mother because she is usually enlisted in scandal for about that much of each day. (I just proved your point again about how great a reality show would be of us, didn’t I…)

  7. Sorry that you didn’t get to eat your salad in peace, buy TY for including the Chris Rock video! LOL 🙂

    1. To be quite honest, any lunch with my mother is not “peaceful” … she’s insane in the brain. Isn’t Chris Rock amazing though?

  8. Kim says:

    …and this is why I love a good salad bar!!!

    1. Yeah, it’s good to know that if I’m ever short on blog material, all I have to do is hit up my local Home Town Buffet hahah!

  9. ooh goody! More crazy ass experiences you get to have to blog about and I just read from the comfort of my couch.
    Are you getting your nails done anytime soon? We’re due for some Korean Hooker updates.

    1. HAHA! Next week on the nails. I don’t know – maybe I live in this crazy place where people really have nothing better to do than throw tomatoes at each other and shit. My mother acted completely scandalized, which was ironic since she was telling me all about her plans to “pork” her new husband on Valentine’s Day. :\

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