The Poor Nick Valentine’s Day Special

I have a lot of things to say this fine Monday, much of which has to do with love and Valentine’s Day. So I’m going to do it short and sweet, with just a couple sentences on each topic. If by the end of this you aren’t saying to yourself (at the very least) ‘poor Nick, he has to spend another Valentine’s with this retched, foulmouthed woman,’ well then I haven’t done my job. At the very most, I will be happy if you all feel as though I have verbally sodomized your brains. Here we go:

Shouldn’t We Really Be Loving Our Selves?

In all seriousness, though, this Valentine’s Day is being kicked off with some love for myself, something we all should be focusing on. Without loving ourselves we can never really love another.

Anyone would be lucky to be married to a foulmouthed, snark-filled b(itch) such as myself. You should all look in the mirror and say that to yourselves right now as well.

Between Cyanide or Romantic Comedies, I’ll Take Cyanide

I was planning on doing another Valentine’s Day countdown of watching Romantic Comedies and talking shit about them like I did last year on my old blog, Art is of Words. I even asked for suggestions a few weeks ago (to which none of you faithful blog following assholes responded).

To be quite honest, though, the thought of watching Meg Ryan squinch up her face in that annoying, cutesy way she does one more time makes me prefer the thought of drinking cyanide. Romantic Comedies are just that awful and she seems to be in the majority of them.

To the Sicko That Googled “Horsesex Cock Going In”

This is not the place you will find any such thing. I’m not even sure how you got here, except for the fact that I do talk about cocks, horses, and sex a lot. Balls too. In any event, if you are reading this, oh pervert of magnanimous proportions: this Valentine’s Day, just think of the motto – Humans Not Horses.

Hello Kitty Toaster Comparisons

I realized today that I spend a lot of time comparing our lives to that of Hello Kitty Toaster and her husband (my husband’s brother). We don’t see them that often, and communicate with them even less; in fact, the only time we really hear from them is when HKT posts her terribly judgmental and uneducated, moral proselytizing on my Facebook page. I know it isn’t healthy, but at least it is only with them and not everyone I know – and really I think it boils down to the sibling rivalry between my husband his brother seeping down to me, since he has never addressed it.

Regardless, I compare. I don’t get jealous and wish we had what they do relationship-wise (most of the time), but I compare. When Hello Kitty Toaster got diamond earrings for her birthday last year, I lamented the fact that my husband got me perfume when he should have known that I am allergic. When we went wine tasting with family and friends the day after our Catholic co-validation of marriage, I sat on the sidelines watching people toast to HKT and her man instead of us; and taking note of all the horrific dry humping we had to witness between the two on our day – while my husband didn’t come near me the entire time. HKT and her husband went on a faux honeymoon after their faux wedding, and I will never forget the fact that now – years later – we have yet to go anywhere. The reason I thought about the comparisons today was I saw that Hello Kitty Toaster bought her husband a new snowboard for Valentine’s Day. My first thought was – a little ostentatious, don’t you think? A good snowboard can run anywhere between $200 and $1000 (or more).

My Valentine’s Day

By comparison, I spent $34.95 on my husband’s Valentine’s Day gift. It was a lot for what I got him, and he’ll probably hate it – but it was needed (much like my elephant-shaped ring holder was needed even though I hated it). I didn’t wrap it either. And I included a note, on a piece of construction paper cut into the shape of a human heart (I saw it on Flavorwire as a card idea and thought it looked cool…).

I know, poor Nick. No wonder he has no interest in dry humping me outside family events, or declaring his love for me publicly.

On that note…

You People Do Realize Life and Love Is Miserable, Right?

Seriously, I find it absolutely disturbing that so many people feel they have to display how wonderfully exciting their lives are. OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MY HUBBY!!! on Facebook every other post, and quite frankly it’s getting annoying. Life sucks. Marriage is miserable. Love hurts – no matter how it ends up. People that live in some fantasy land where they think everything is wonderful really have nothing wonderful; for when everything is special and exciting, that is the norm.

Rather than pretending that life and love are this wondrous, idealistic thing, people should be a little more realistic about the world. Take off the rose-colored glasses already. Everything is not as amazing as you are telling yourself it is. In the case of a lot of people I know, the sooner you do the sooner things get cooler; the less credit debt and long-term hardship there is too (for when you are so busy living life as if it is the greatest thing ever, you don’t always realize how much money you’re spending that you don’t have).

See now, wasn’t that fun? Happy Valentine’s Day… suckahs…


  1. Dear cunning linguist,

    Bitching about hallmark holidays deserves a date all of its own on the calendar. It should be a day when nothing you say could be held against you. A day when you can bring out the worst about the dry-humping hello kitty pretentious fuck-sticks in your life without the least bit of recoil from their obnoxious whining ass. But, until the day we can be calendar gods and invent something like birthdays for water walking sons of gods birthdays and celebrations of black people, we’re stuck with Mark Fuckerburgs time wasting invention.

    Your noble cynic,

  2. Having my brain sodomized was the closest thing to sex that I’ve had in over six months. HA!

    I wish that was more funny than depressing.


  3. “I will be happy if you all feel as though I have verbally sodomized your brains.”

    LOL – As soon as I read that, I went and Q-tipped both my ear canals clean, cause I figured it was the least I could do for you, after you expressed your desire to have your way with my brain like that. And yes, just this once, I read your post out loud to get the full effect, and now I’m happy too! LOL

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