This evening at dinner …

… I had a little wine. Not saying I don’t often have a little bit of wine, but just prefacing the story with that so you all know why I would be so inclined to do what I am about to tell you that I did.

So we had a pretty long day. Got up. Showered. Dressed. Made lunch (because we sleep pretty late). I made turkey burgers and macaroni and cheese with a fruit salad. It was a big lunch, I know, but we were planning on going out for soup later, so it was really our main meal. Then we drove an hour to visit my grandparents. Stayed with them for three hours. Ran a few errands then out to dinner. While at dinner, I had a little wine.

Had I not had that wine, I may not have had the urge or guts to do what I did while there.

It was a typical dinner. I ended up ordering a salad and some bread. We didn’t have much to talk about after spending the whole day together. The place was crowded – expected for a Saturday night, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then as dinner was winding down, though, a very large man and his mother and grandmother were being seated at the table directly across from our booth.

When I say large, I mean a combination of tall, largely built, big-boned, and obese. He was bald. He was very very loud. He smelled like he had been rubbing himself with those pine tree-shaped car air fresheners. For some reason he was having a hard time getting his mother and grandmother seated. It was one of those half-booths, half-table deals and they were arguing over who was going to sit where, and whether or not grandma was even going to like the slop being served at the restaurant this evening.

All the while, this guy was boisterously shouting about getting the old ladies seated, he was backing his rather large derriere closer and closer to our table. Closer and closer he inched until I thought his rather large ass-filled jeans were going to knock into my salad plate or rub themselves up against my wine glass. So I did what every girl under the influence of wine, and clearly in need of antipsychotics, would do: I stuck my hand out.

By stuck my hand out, I mean I extended my arm to rest along the very edge of the table. My palm was faced downwards at first, but then I thought it would be really funny if I grabbed the guy’s ass. I know, psychotic. I have no idea why I thought it would be funny, but he kept leaning over and getting so close to my food anyway, I figured why not. Sadly, as I began to slowly turn my hand over so as to cup it just right before thrusting it up to get in a good squeeze, the guy sat down.

Saddened by my failure to grope a complete stranger, I finished my wine and we left.

Now at home, hours later, I am wondering just why the guy was being so loud. Why was he backing himself into my food as well? It was as if they had no understanding that it was a crowded restaurant during the busiest of times. Had I been given just five more seconds, I could have taught him a lesson. The lesson that in a restaurant you are in public, and you need to be courteous of the public and other people’s personal space. The lesson that you shouldn’t be rubbing your large, jean-covered ass all over people’s salad plates and wine glasses. The lesson that if you get too close, you might just get a squeeze in the buttocks – a squeeze that to some may be considered enjoyable, but I’m sure to most (and that man) would be horrifying.

So that was my Saturday night. I’m going to go have some more wine and then check in to the mental ward.


  1. Rosie O’Meley

    Oh my goodness. This is so, so funny! Congratulations on yet another brilliantly comedic post.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thank you so much!!

  2. leena77

    ok this has to be one of the best stories ever. I have had experiences with rude people before in restaurants and oddly enough, it has never crossed my mind to randomly grab the ass of the person who is being so rude. duly noted for next time though.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You should totally do it. I know I’m going to do it next time, although I’m a complete weirdo! Haha – thanks so much for reading my post!

      1. leena77

        If I do it… I’ll be sure to blog about it and let you know. I’m a complete weirdo too so it’s all good. I find the humor in everything. You ain’t livin if you ain’t laughin 😀

  3. hecallsmescroogy

    I started reading this and hit “read more” before I realized it was yours. I’m gonna have to stop liking your blogs. I swear I’m not a stalker. Which is exactly what a stalker would say. Anyway… I’d totally be imagining all the places he’d sat earlier in the day as his ass edged closer and closer to my salad plate. Damn Hubby! Seriously, I wasn’t this paranoid about germs before.

  4. Smaktakula

    An alternate title could be “Confessions of a Would-Be Ass-Grabber!”

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      YES! Maybe I should title my book that (if it is finished)?

    2. leena77

      Great title…. just sayin;

      1. Heather Christena Schmidt

        Oh – thanks! I thought it was strange!!

      2. leena77

        strange is sometimes good lol

  5. Cathie Faubert

    The secrets of economic is to know something that who else knows.
    There is certainly only one boss. The buyer. And that he can fire everybody in the company from the chairman on down, by just spending his money someplace else.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Excellent point!

  6. lostnchina

    Oooo I like sticking the guy with the fork idea.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Yeah, it’s happening next time for sure!

  7. ghfool

    If it happens again, then grab your fork and stab the person’s ass instead. If their butt is big enough maybe they won’t even feel it…but you’ll be satisfied that you did it.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I’m fairly certain he would not have noticed. Nonetheless, I will indeed take your advice on this.

  8. bornattwentyfive

    Hahaha! That might be the funniest thing I’ve read all weekend!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Ah, thanks!! Almost as funny as being there, I’m sure ahahah!!

  9. Chris Sheridan

    Never a dull moment with you, huh? Lol

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      NO! NEVER!!

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