Reasons I Have No Dignity

The majority of this post is funny; although the intention and last reason is probably depressing. Who cares, I am who I am and remember my post-vacation commitment to myself: I’m not going to let others shame me for being me. One of those things is brutally honest. Not rude. Not a dick. Honest. Get over it, here’s my list:

1. I’m a fucking slob. I don’t mean a cute slob, I mean a slob like no one should love me-slob. Today I have spilled on my shirt a total of three times. The first was soda. Didn’t change, just zipped up my hoodie. The second was teriyaki sauce. I licked it off. The third was right now, within moments of beginning to type. I dropped the crunchy chow mein noodles I was emotionally eating down my shirt. I then proceeded to pull them out of my bra top tank top, and for consumption. That’s right, I ate them. La Choy Boob Noodles: yum.

2. I blog, oftentimes about my own personal life. I am out there for the entire world to see. I often share things about myself and my family that only someone with no sense of dignity would share. Like the thing about the La Choy Boob Noodles. And the fact that my mom is married to a trailer-dwelling hillbilly. If my husband had one ball I would probably share that with all of you too.

3. I have no shame when it comes to talking about things like sex. There are always people sharing this on Facebook and shit, as if we aren’t supposed to know what’s going on when someone “checks in” at “My Bed” with another person. Please! They want us to know they’re doing it, but in such a vague way that we don’t really know so as to elicit comments and questions and attention. Well, I’ll just talk about it and as such I have no dignity. No, I won’t talk about it for myself (I’m married, come on … there is a ten foot wall between my husband and myself), but I will most certainly discuss when I believe something is awry. Like all the people I think are paying for some nookie in the apartment directly above ours; or the prostitution ring I think is going down at my nail salon. I’m entirely un-skiddish about discussing the nail lady deep throating a banana.

4. Those of you that have been long-time, faithful blog followers know that I have a weird obsession with PhotoShopping my head into precarious photographs. I’ve done quite a few – my head on the body of a drugged up Courtney Love; my head on the body of a 1950s housewife … the list goes on. One of my favorites from the last few months was when I made a Ten Commandments version of myself.

5. I am perfectly fine with being honest about things, all the time. I actually believe that lying is one of the worst things a person could do – when I do lie, I agonize over it. As a result of this, I am honest about stuff like “yeah, I haven’t shaved my legs in six weeks,” or “that lady who just said three hot dogs is a nice ‘morning snack’ is what’s wrong with America.” I don’t mind explaining away my bitchy behavior with being on the rag, either. I could probably do that right now, actually…

6. On the note of my little, red sister, I have no problem discussing her. It isn’t that I have a period that I think makes me have no dignity, though; what does is that I always take it too far out of a sort of contempt for the fact that people seem to act as though women should be ashamed for menstruation. Every time a man says “ewww gross” an uncontrollable fire lights within me and I completely lose my cool. One of my recent tirades was directed at my father, actually. We were running errands and he came along; of course, by “came along” I mean he drove so we could stop for cocktails since I was in a particularly pissy, period-driven mood. The last stop was Target to buy maxi pads and Always included some sort of a free “hide your tampons and maxis in here”-bag. Of course, I proceeded to yell in the car all the way to BJ’s (for dollar beers) about how ashamed I must be to be a woman that I would have to hide my tampons.

7. Sadly, the end of this is not as fun or hilarious as La Choy Boob Noodles, or Periods Gone Wild. The last reason I have no dignity – which is probably the real reason – is that I continue to allow myself to be dragged through the sludge and the mire of life by people that don’t love me for me. Even after committing to be myself and not let others shame me, I spend entirely too much time worrying about what other people say or think. I’m realizing more now than ever that I am surrounded by a lot of people that find many things wrong with me. Or that are bullies. Or just that aren’t very good people. For whatever reason, my husband and I have a lot of people in our lives that judge, bully, and always feel they have a right to tell us what is wrong with us, what we could be doing better, or how we need to change. Last night my husband and I were talking about some of these things and he says he prefers to live is life pretending that those things aren’t going on. That he isn’t being told he’s wrong, or that he needs to change. That people (like family) haven’t disapproved (and let him know just how much) more often than said they were proud of him or thought he was a good person. He would prefer to ignore the drama, rather than deal with it. For a long time I have done this as well, but a few years ago I made a conscious decision not to do that anymore. I think it’s time to finally act on that decision.

Life and relationships are about setting boundaries, and if you don’t you have no one to blame for the fact that you have absolutely no dignity but yourself. Today I am committing to take back my dignity when it comes to this last point. I’m taking back my dignity when it comes to other people – friends, family, and acquaintances. With teriyaki sauce all over my shirt; my little, red sister spewing her venom everywhere; La Choy Boob Noodles coming out the top and heading into the mouth, and tales of what should be the most humiliating things out there trailing behind me, I’m taking a stand.


  1. theonlyoption

    One thing I have learned is that hurting people hurt people. Those who aren’t happy with themselves and have deep, unhealed wounds in their hearts will only end up hurting others. The healthy thing to do is to not only set up those boundaries in your life but ensure that you adhere to them. Most of the time those folk, especially family, behave the way they do because they’ve been enabled to do so by a lack of boundaries. No compromise is key because at the end of the day the hope should be that they change, apologize and the relationships can be restored and when compromise occurs they will simply stay on the crazy cycle. Build firm walls, not an impenetrable fortress 🙂

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I couldn’t agree with everything you have said ANY MORE!! I often find that the way people treat each other is more a reflection of them than anything. It took me a long time to realize that, but now that I have it is easier to take less so personally. Thanks for reading! 🙂

  2. boldbohemian

    Too bad you can’t choose your family. But if they get to be too much, you can choose not to be around them. Being yourself is about honesty right? So just be you and s***w ’em!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You are so right – just be yourself!!

  3. kodakkerouacs

    As far as spills go, I have now classified certain foods/liquids on how big of an impact they will make on my day. Does it smell? Is it sticky? Did it dry dark, or could I wipe enough of it away so its almost light?
    Should I just change the damn shirt? Probably. But I’m unapologetically lazy.

    Oh and coffee doesn’t count as a spill anymore, since I’ve deem that particular stain unavoidable.

    Slobs gotta stick together. Love your blog.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You got that right: slobs have just gotta’ stick together! Thanks!!

  4. paralaxvu

    Thanks for taking a stand on the things that count…I’ve been going around for years feeling guilty that I don’t wear an apron and prefer to wipe my fingers, hands and anything else that will reach, on my shirt and jeans. So yeah, I’m old enough to have watched and been taken in by Make Room for Daddy, The Nelson family and Leave it to Beaver [which by all rights should have been about the woman]). No more guilt. I’m the one who does the laundry anyway. Thanks again. Keep on bitchin’ Girl…put the comma where you will.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Haha – well thank you!! 🙂

  5. alienredqueen

    This is awesome…Please permit me to answer it more specifically:
    1) I’m a total clutz and my step-dad used to call me “messy Marvin”
    2) I love catching food n my cleavage, although admittedly it was better when I had the “big ol’ milk titties”
    3) I had sex the night before last. It was good. I love sex and when it’s really good I wish I could tell more ppl. Just sayin’. LOL
    4) ‘k. I don’t even know how to photoshop…which may be a good thing, or else my head would be on, like, fuckin’ Ellen Ripley kickin an Alien’s ass!
    5) I used to be so “honest” i would tell on myself (damn OCD). But btw, being honest doesn’t necessarily mean offering up unrequested info ;P
    6) you actually have a great point here… I’m glad my hubby isn’t one of those guys… women’s bodies do some cool shit, and if he didn’t respect that… I’d shoot him in the eye with boob milk.
    7) lastly, for all you need to know about how I feel on this, check out my post called My Dirty Secret ( really, I’m not advertising, but I think we’re past the point where I have to tell ya that…) but i think it’s sorta along the same lines…self esteem-wise.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks so much for your comment!! I think you are right – being honest is NOT necessarily offering up unrequested info.

      1. alienredqueen

        XD No, but it may still be fun to do. 😉

  6. krezgirl

    For the record, I spill on myself all the time! My standard response is to mutter to my husband that he can’t take me anywhere and then continue on my merry way. And while we’re being honest here, I’d probably eat the recovered boob noodles, too. I mean, come on! They’re still good, right?

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh, they were excellent! Haha … tonight I spilled strawberry jam on my top and licked it off, and I swear it tasted even better. Hahaha

  7. AsheX

    Hey! Nice post and I guess you can try to let go of such people one by one 🙂

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Exactly right! And thank you!!

  8. blockedtoiletwriter

    Really enjoyed this one 🙂

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thank you so much!!

  9. Honesty at All Costs and Other Stuff… | Chasing Serendipity

    […] feel like you have no dignity because you allow hurtful things people say affect you OR because you have La Choy Boob Noodles or Periods Gone Wild.. it’s all good. We’re all human! And…I’m here for ya!  My point is.. I’m a damn good […]

  10. Mrs. Briteside

    Hi Heather! Girl.. you rock. I, too, am honest almost to a fault. You’ve inspired me to write my own quick post on the subject. You’ll have to check it out.. LOL. There’s even a little someting for you in there. 🙂
    Mrs. Briteside

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Well thanks!!

  11. the howler and me

    To your last point, YAY! Taking a stand against all the drama, negativity and judgemental-ness (is that even a word?) is the best thing you can do. I am a firm believer in not allowing others to bring you down, being confident in who and what you are – and not allowing some one’s opinion of you matter more than your own,

    But I have been the type to give the world the finger, just because I can. Hey I am a dirty hippie with a punk rock attitude 🙂

    -the howler and me

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      “I have been the type to give the world the finger” – yeah!!

  12. Lorie

    Heather, this was both funny and poignant (sure hope I spelled that correctly, as I’m too lazy to check.) I haven’t yet made my own blog public, because I’m still wrestling with my own family shit – I need to write it out of my system, but I can’t quite do it yet. It’s kind of like drinking to the point of knowing you’re going to vomit; knowing you should and wishing you could just get it over with, but resisting it nonetheless because you know how miserably unpleasant it’s going to be. (Hmm – that was an apt analogy. I’m going to use that in my blog.)

    The Readers Digest version goes like this: After my mother died, there seemed no reason left to subject myself to all the family horseshit anymore. I just don’t see them or even communicate with them anymore. I love them and want only good things for them, but I no longer want any of the pain or drama, no one wants my “emperor has no clothes” analyses of family events, and I’m tired of being disapproved of.

    I don’t recommend my solution to anyone, and I’m not even sure it’s the right thing, ultimately, for me, but I have to take care of me for awhile. I just thought I’d tell you that you are not alone, and that you are entitled to take care of yourself.

    I just took a potato chip out from between my boobs and ate it. It was not the first time.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Lays Boob Chips … there is another one!

      The family situation sounds vaguely familiar to ours. No one has died (and I’m sorry to hear of the passing of your mother), but we still see no reason to muddy ourselves in the drama and the shit talking and the disprovable. Blood does not mean obligation, and we have paid our debts for life and all back ten fold to be able to say “enough is enough.” Just today I was with kiddos and at Souplantation and ran into some friends of my mother in law. They asked me – in front of the kids – quite bluntly why I am forcing Nick to isolate himself from his family (my husband hasn’t really communicated them in a few months). I said I had no idea what they were talking about, but was glad to see nothing had changed and was thankful that just yesterday I made a commitment to myself to uphold my dignity and not let them hurt me by sucking me into their drama, while still confronting it head on.

      1. Lorie

        hahahaha – They actually WERE Lays. Perfect!

        And, thank you – I miss my mom every day. She’s actually been gone for a few years now, and I still sometimes catch myself thinking I’ll just call her to ask her something. Ironic, since I didn’t call her enough when she was alive.

        For years I put up with all sorts of hurtful crap, because of my mom – because absenting myself from family gatherings would make her sad – but when she died, I realized that I no longer had any good reason to paint the big target on my ass by showing up for Christmas, birthdays, etc.

        Oh, the stories I can tell, and probably will tell, soon. It would never work for fictional writing fodder, though, because it’s completely unbelievable.

  13. The “ME” Project

    I, too, am ridiculously honest. I’ve tried to lie, trust me, but I am just SO bad at it, and it makes me feel so awful, I just don’t do it. The thing about being an honest person is that you tend to expect that other people will also be that way,and I have had to learn again and again that this is just not the case. People can look you dead in the eye and lie their rotten heads off.
    Another side effect of my open and honest personality is that it creates boundary issues- people think they can just say whatever the fuck they want to you because you are an open book. Hello! Just because I talk about a lot of stuff that other people may not, I don’t necessarily say every damn thing that pops into my head! If I did, I would not be liked by anyone that I know. I have learned to toe the line between being “open” and being “rude”. Lot’s of folks haven’t.
    Yet for all my daring conversation skills and quick wit, I have a really hard time sticking up for myself when someone is an asshole. So there you go. I am a grown woman and I end up feeling like a picked on little kid all the time.
    All of us humans have places we fall short. Dignity is certainly one of mine- but it’s probably boring to be dignified, anyway.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I think I am in the same boat as you – I have a really hard time sticking up for myself. I’m not sure why but oftentimes I feel like a five year old being bullied by the big kids. You are right, though – it seems like it might be boring to be dignified 🙂

  14. rich

    boob noodles. that’s funny. er, uh, can i get the address to that nail salon? or a key to the apartment above you?

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh lordy! HAHA! I am of the impression that they don’t lock their doors … hahaha

      1. rich

        any apartments vacant in the building?

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        HAHA! I’ll have to check 😉

  15. Abby Rae

    High 5! Started taken mine back bout a year ago. There was just no one else to blame but me so I changed. It has been fanfuckingtabulous 🙂 its a good selfish I’m striving for.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Yeah!! Also, kudos on your use of the term “fanfuckingtabulous” … that’s a good one!! 🙂

      1. Abby Rae

        Why, thank you! Totally debated on whether or not to hyphenate~ imma weirdo!

  16. lauriejlong

    Heather, I feel like I am a Periodics Anonymous meeting. I am “Natalie” (you are the only one who can/might call me that because it’s my pretty name) and I, too, am on my period. I don’t talk about that to anyone because I am a chicken, and you make me feel safe for being a period-having woman. As we are being so honest, I am going to admit a few more things. First, periods suck except for the fact that they are a monthly reassurance that I am not pregnant. (Having another kid would put me in the nut-house.) Second, I realized the other day that if I were to ever switch sides and go Lesbisn, I would want a girlfriend just like you. Don’t be weirded out by that, it is a compliment and we run zero risk of that ever ocurring. : D

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahah, no weirdness taken – and this for sure if a Periodics Anonymous meeting!! And I am with you 100% on both hating and loving my period at the same time for that whole pregnancy thing. God I would go insane if I had more children!

  17. Andrew

    The only reason I wear hoodies is to cover up spills too, or when I’m posing to be on a Deftones poster. This post was hilarious, and ignore the jerks.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahaha, thanks! Deftones posters and to cover spills – love it!!

  18. Mandy

    I have been working on the last one myself. I just keep reminding myself that people’s judgments are about them not me. I just need to act with integrity and be okay with myself. It’s hard when people shame you – really hard. But I try my hardest not to fall into that pit because if we think like negative people, we will become negative.

    I try to look at the outcomes their values and beliefs have brought into their lives, and if I don’t like the outcome, I know I have to take a different path.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      In regards to your perspective of looking at the outcomes of those that judge/shame and determining if what they have brought into their lives is a positive – that a really great way of looking at it!! Thanks!!

  19. jimcolv

    How ironic that I read this as my wife and I were discussing something very similar. I wrote a piece on boundaries some time last year and it is so true. Like people don’t know what their place should be, so they create their own level of importance and relevance and think they are immune because of the “bond” that is perceived to be there.

    Yeah, it’s time for me to begin practicing a lot of these things that I been preaching. I have already begun cutting ties and putting things into perspective. I’m not a religious man, not by the furthest stretch, but a verse in the bible about a man leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife is somewhat appropriate to my situation.

    Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling incoherently. Just want to let you know that I always enjoy your posts.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks so much!! I as well am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I often think of that Bible verse myself. The Bible is what it is, but God notwithstanding it still has some good guidelines for living life.

      1. jimcolv

        Most definitely. I am a firm believer in a higher authority, just can’t subscribe to this institute of religion that folk are peddling these days. Anyway, that’s a rant for another day…

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