My Trailer Trash Mom

So today I was just sitting around, minding my own business, and my mother called. This – by definition – can never be good. Lately her hillbilly shit has been spreading itself all over the walls of my life. Today it wasn’t hillbilly shit, though. It was actually worse: Mothers Day Mayhem.

The conversation went something like this:

My Trailer Trash Mom

“Heeeeeeeather, how ya’ dooooin?”


“Fine” (thinking to myself ‘Oh God, she wants something’)

My Trailer Trash Mom

“So … we’re going to be having a little party at the assisted living apartments for Grandma on Mother’s Day and I want to get you guys here for it. It’ll be at noon and we’ll all be bringing something.”


“Oh, okay, let me just check the schedule with Nick and let you know later today.”

My Trailer Trash Mom

“Okay … and then you can let me know what you’ll be bringing so that everyone else can plan around it.”

… at this point, I’m sure you are all thinking wait, what the fuck? Yes, I was thinking that as well. So I said:


“Oh … kay … well, what is the main dish going to be?”

My Trailer Trash Mom

“See … that’s the thing, we were thinking you could make the main dishes since you have that new multi cooker, and are such a good cook now.”

Long Pause

My Trailer Trash Mom

“Are you still there?”


“Yes.” (I’m speechless at this point.)

My Trailer Trash Mom

“And we were hoping you’d make another one of those cakes you made for Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary too.”

Putting all of this unbelievable and ballsy bull shit to the side for a moment, let me tell you faithful blog followers about the cake she is referring to. It was a marbled chocolate, vanilla, and red velvet cake with a homemade waffle cone garnish. The cake – because of the complexity of making all three flavors from scratch, as well as the waffle cone and frostings from scratch, AS WELL AS marbling it, took me a total of six hours to make. It was – by far – the greatest, most delicious cake I have ever made, but I vowed after that day to never bake that cake again, just because of how much work it was.

Back to my trailer trash mother, I quickly got off the phone with her, telling her I would have to think about it.

Then about two hours later, I was fuming over the entire ordeal, and conflicted because I know that if I were to not make the meal, my trailer trash mother and her trailer trash family would ostracize me and cause a terrible amount of trailer trash drama because “Heather’s always too good for our family…” Sitting in the parent-section of swimming, fuming and conflicted, I was thirty seconds away from calling my mother and saying “no,” and then she walked up. That’s right: my trailer trash mother showed up at the kiddo’s swimming class so as to seal the deal on the Mothers Day Mayhem.

I will spare you all the details of her ongoing drama about my grandma having a colonoscopy and how this will just be so nice for her. I will spare you her passive aggressively reminding me how little time I spent with her family while I was in graduate school. I will spare you the detail of how she manipulated me by reminding me that she will be returning to her hillbilly husband and their hillbilly trailer in hillbilly New Mexico within the next month. I will just cut to the chase, and the point where I am sure the majority of you will lose an enormous amount of respect for this, here bitch (if you haven’t already, that is)…

My Trailer Trash Mom

“So? … will you do it?”



I’m even going to make the cake.

Go ahead, lose respect for me. Call me a sucker. Call me a push over. I agree with it all completely. I don’t even know why I gave in to my trailer trash mother and her hillbilly Mothers Day Mayhem. But I did. Maybe a part of me does feel bad for how little time I spent with her side of the family during graduate school. Maybe I am a push over. Or maybe it really is as I said to her (after getting over being angry at her and myself): this is the last time I do this. I know, you faithful blog followers all say ‘yeah right, you’ll do it again.’ But, really, since she’s returning to her man, I don’t think it’ll be an issue.

I will now hang my head in shame.


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  13. ghfool

    Did you ever think of putting bologna and cheese in the center of the marbled chocolate, vanilla, and red velvet cake with a homemade waffle cone garnish?

    btw, I like the new look. What prompted that?

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That sounds absolutely disgusting!!!

      Thanks re the redesign … I like to change it up once in a while, and do it before something big coming up that would direct people to my site – like my book coming out on the 15th!

      1. ghfool

        I want a signed copy!

  14. AsheX

    lol..dnt wry..u r nt the nli one..every mother is lyk dis..sme to a larger xtent then the others 😀

  15. jimcolv

    Holy shit, is this universal “make your child feel like shit” week for older parents? Oooooh, my mom had me vexed this week. Reading too much into my blogs and coming to the most asinine conclusions about the direction I’m going in my life. Like chill out lady!!!

    That’s what I want to tell her at times but I don’t want to come across snobby, for some in my family feel as if I think I’m better than the rest of them. But that’s the farthest thing from the truth. I just choose to live my life different from how they knew me to live. I’m doing me, I’m living for me.

    Whew…. I almost went into full blog mode on your comment section. I need to save a little of that for a future post…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Universal “make your child feel like shit” week!! It probably is!!

  16. lauriejlong

    Heather, you are such a fabulous writer! I love the photo you conjured up for your mom. (She can’t read, can she? ‘ Cuz if she can, you’re gonna get in trou-ou-ou-ble…) Make them the best meal ever and then gloat about the fact that you didn’t even break a nail opening a box of Hamburger Helper. Shist for brains… All of ’em.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh, thanks!! And I will make a fabulous meal – just to show them up. It’ll be the last one I make for them too!!

      1. lauriejlong

        You’re so bad-ass!

  17. zorgor

    No, no, I hear ya. Family stuff like this is never as simple as ‘maybe I feel bad about X, or maybe I’m a push-over’… False dichotomy there. Deep, complex stuff this.

    1. zorgor

      Maybe I should have said ‘good luck’, but that implies the possibility that these things are resolvable, which I realize now I do not believe… So I’ll just say hang in there.

  18. alienredqueen

    Not at all! My mother has been manipulating me with her brand of passive-aggressive (MOSTLY aggressive) emotional bullying since I was a kid… and I ALWAYS forgive her. She’s my mom, and she HAS done a lot fore me (which she reminds me of whenever she gets the chance) But…she’s my mom.
    The cops have been called MORE THAN ONCE.
    But… I’m a sap and she’s my mom. In her defense, I think she has some undiagnosed mood disorder. But I feel your pain, Heath.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Yeah, my mom hasn’t done shit really which is why this HAS to be the last time. But thank you 🙂 I think the undiagnosed mood disorder is the culprit in the case of a lot of our moms…

  19. hecallsmescroogy

    No respect lost. Sometimes we have to suck it up and that just sucks. I also really think that Barbie is awesome!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      The Barbie is HILARIOUS, isn’t it?! hahah!!

      1. alienredqueen

        yeah, i meant to say something about that too. LOL. It is funny

  20. becca3416

    Haha! Your portrayal of your mother reminds me of Nancy from king of the hill.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh Lord, she so is…

  21. haileyjw

    The only explanation is she learned some witchy voodoo while you were away!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      THIS is a likely possibility…

  22. rich

    you gave in because it’s your mom. and someday you’re going to hope your kids give in to you.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      But they won’t, which is why I really should stop hahah!!

      1. rich


      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        Oh yes… there is that…

      3. rich

        i don’t believe in karma, so feel free to excuse yourself.

      4. Heather Christena Schmidt

        I don’t really believe in karma as a principle either. I think that too many bad people never reap the consequences of their badness for it to be so. I do, however, fear the karma of example. If I don’t do things for my mother, will my children think that they should not do things for me? Will think deeply enough into it to see that I am not a dead beat hillbilly like my mother is? Or will they just see the way I am towards my mother and think that is normal, regardless of motherly or unmotherly behaviors on my part?

        Whatever. I’m not doing it again hahahah!! Too much work and expense too! She gave me $60, which covered the cost of the meat only!!

      5. rich

        that’s just good ol’ learning. best kind.

  23. Jim Cantwell

    No need to be hanging your head in shame, sometimes we gotta do what we dont want to do, I really liked the way you wrote this, it sucked me right in.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt


  24. thebitchybride

    Grrrr, families!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You got that right!!

  25. Kanerva

    More power to you! Those ‘days’ whether it’s mothers or fathers always throw up one family member who takes it upon themselves to make everyone else’s life just plain miserable. Now that I’m living 15000 kms and few time zones away I almost miss it. Then my SIL comes along…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I have to say that life would be so much better if we were 15,000 km away too!! Hahahah!!

  26. Frugalistablog

    Okay, love the Barbie. I know- totally unimportant to the whole point of your story. Hey, you pick your battles. I don’t blame you at all. Mother’s day has been a roller coaster over the years. A fucking nightmare sometimes. Luckily, I have a mom who is super uber understanding. A mother in law that is passive aggressive but as long as you do SOMETHING, she is happy. Hey, at least you can blog about it after it’s over. That cake looks fucking amazing!! Send me a piece. 😉

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Yeah, Mother’s Day seems to be a roller coaster for most people I know. Thanks – the cake was pretty amazing. This time I’m not going to marble it, though – I’m going to make it six layers … vanilla, chocolate, red velvet, vanilla, chocolate, red velvet. I’ll save you a piece hahaha ;D

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