A Few Open Letters From My Day…

Yeesh, what a day! This may be Hump Day, but for me it was “Fuck Heather’s Brain Until It Bleeds”-Day. I have a few open letters to write from my day. Shall we begin?

An Open Letter to the lady at Natural Cafe


I heard you standing in line behind me, having a pithy little conversation with your friend about how you don’t dress down and “lower” (your word) yourselves to wear Team Shirts outside of the house, or at the very most sporting events. I heard as I stood in line in front of you wearing my White Sox shirt. I heard your bitchy comments after you noticeably sized me up, right before I turned my back on your oversized, posh ass.

I wore my team shirt today, you might know, because I am overwhelmingly homesick at the present time. I hate California because of assholes like you and thought a good way to deal without making everyone around me miserable would be to wear my White Sox shirt. Sue me. And kindly shut the fuck up.

An Open Letter to the guy that commented on my blog


I really and truly enjoyed receiving your comment this morning on my post about the Pubic Parking sign outside a local elementary school. Sadly, I cannot approve it because you are a dick. I don’t know who you are, and your vague pseudonym “CaliGuy” leads me to believe you are too much of a pussy to reveal your true identity. I will, however respond to your three sentences here:

“You clearly have no compassion for simple mistakes.”

Sir, I kindly invite you to fuck off. I do have compassion for simple mistakes. I do not have compassion for mistakes that leave my kid to ask me what “pubic” means, or that are a direct result of laziness. In a public school, simple proofreading should be taught and shown by example. Period, end of sentence.

“I have read other posts of yours. If you hate California so much, why don’t you leave, and while you’re at it stop sucking up our tax dollars?”

Short answer or long answer, oh douchly one? The short answer is that I would gladly leave if I could. The long answer is that my husband works in the film industry, so just up and leaving California because I am unhappy is not as simple as you suggest.

And in regards to my sucking up the tax dollars, the only way in which I reap the benefits of the taxes I contribute to is in the extra-curriculars I take advantage of run by the city. I still pay fees for those, though. I homeschool and am not on welfare. I rarely use any public services whatsoever. This means that I pay taxes and reap very little actual benefit at all. I pay taxes for that public school to put up the “pubic parking” sign, and further to educate other kids while I pay for my own educational materials.

Now, I again kindly invite you to fuck off.

“You really are a bitch.”

Yes, sir. I am. Proud of it.

An Open Letter to the lady at swimming that accosted me today.


Oh, woman that accosted me at swimming today, told me my kid crying during the class was ruining it for everyone, and proceeded to yell at me that you wanted to know how long we would be there so you could return after we are gone: kiss my grits. Seriously. The swimming staff and instructors informed me that my kid crying is a normal part of swimming and water confidence, and if you have a problem with that you should take it up with them. I will be bringing my kid back on Monday and if you so much as look at me the wrong way, I won’t be as nice as I was today.

You see, today I stood firm to my belief that it is an extremely bad example to set for children to act like such a pompous, overbearing, self-righteous asshole. I don’t believe it is OK to tell other parents at extra-curriculars that they are “bad parents” or “rude” because they will not indulge in petty arguments. I do not believe in getting into huge, loud, verbal confrontations over something that is unambiguously wrong on your part, so I kindly said “none of your business” and we left. If you continue harassing me, though, I may not continue to be so nice.

You are a bitch. As with all the other people I encountered today, I invite you to kindly fuck off.

This was a bad day, full of assholes. It is true that I hate California, but I think I really just hate people.


  1. 4 Things I Wish I Hadn’t Said the Moment I Said Them « B(itch) Log

    […] all of you faithful blog followers remember when that crazy lady at the swimming pool started yelling at me because my kid was crying and afraid of the water a few […]

  2. Reasons I Was Meant to be a Mom | B(itch) Log

    […] with a terribly narcissistic and judgmental society. Today was another one of those days. Again at Natural Cafe, we were standing in line and someone nearby us decided to loudly describe why her life is much […]

  3. alienredqueen

    Awww… sweetie, you’ve had a rouh one. I can’t believe some people can be so… juvenile. You’re gonna comment on my clothes in a loud passive aggressive voice? Really??? High school much?
    My kid crying is “ruining” it for others? What are you , an asshole. My kid is scared. Scared is temporary, but apparently stupid is FOREVER.
    And the last guy… yeah… pussy. Say it to my face and see where it gets you.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      “Scared is temporary, but apparently stupid is FOREVER” – I think sums it up quite nicely!!

  4. Curly Carly

    Wait…there’s something wrong with wearing team shirts? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Wear whatever you want!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I thought the SAME EXACT THING! I see people wearing Team Shirts all the time!

  5. rich

    you rough day shouldn’t be so entertaining, but it was.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahaha – thanks? haha… it really was entertaining.

  6. kultural yakuza

    Reppin The Chi Sox how can that ever be wrong…Most funny stuff….entitled parents are the worst I think, for sure..I always feel bad for the stupid little snob crumsuckerrs they are breeding…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I agree with you – poor kids!

  7. alexposton

    Also, I would have pushed that bitch’s kid in the deep end and made him/her cry.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Maybe I’ll do that Monday?

      1. alexposton

        Haha! Post photos/videos if you do.

      2. alienredqueen

        Nah…don’t take it out on her kid cuz SHE’s an asshole. Punch her in the face instead. XD

  8. alexposton

    I’m sorry all this shit happened to you (fuck all those people, by the way) but this post was fucking hilarious.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      HAHA! Well, thanks! It’s funny because at the time it is super annoying and stressful, but then when the day is over I’m like “fuck yeah – something to blog about!!”

  9. xuanryanklevecka

    I hope that crazy pool lady didn’t freak your daughter out even more with her crazy antics. It really makes me angry that she treated you and your family like that, but I think you’re awesome for taking the higher ground and not engaging her in an argument. That woman clearly has issues and needs to get laid. I really want to kick her in the throat.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      She sort of did freak her out, but she’s over it now. After the swimming teacher called me at home and we talked about it, she seemed okay. Thanks for your comment …. you are right, she does have issues and needs to get laid hahah! I may kick her in the throat Monday!

  10. jimcolv

    Ah yes, the efficacy of telling somebody to fuck off is one of the most empowering, yet, underutilized forms of expression in the human lexicon. I have a good mind to tell quite a few people to fuck themselves when I get home but I digress….

    I say right on Heather!!! I love reading comments by people who feel as if they are better than most, or “holier than thou”. They speak as if their shit smells of Jasmine and Clover; as if they know everything there is to know in life or that they are an authority on all things moral.

    Personally I have no compassion for asshole know-it-alls, such as the poster that you chose to unapprove. But again, I digress… We are all entitled to our own opinions, regardless of how misguided or illogical they may be. Another quality post my blogger friend…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks! I agree with you that the “fuck you” is underutilized. I’m glad I waited until I got home and blogged about it though, instead of saying it … especially in the case of the swimming pool lady. She seemed to be angered the most by my refusal to engage in combat with her haha

      1. jimcolv

        That’s how you defeat people like that, rather than engage them you just leave them looking stupid where they stand. Ignorance begets ignorance. More and more everyday, I am noticing just how crude and crass people can be. I blame the damn Internet!!!! Hahaha…

  11. lauriejlong

    I think it sounds like another day to make Hello Kitty toast, insert knife and send it to your sister-in-law. People can be such asses. Keep your sassy-ass head up, girl. It is a treat to know you and those nard cheeses can sit and spin. (Name calling can be fun.)

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      SO AGREE! I am on this Hello Kitty Toast, insert a knife thing hahah!!

  12. ghfool

    Dear Super-Bitch Friend – After spending 15 years on the West Coast, I recently moved back to my home state of Texas. I live in a small country town in the “Hill Country” and the people are not only incredibly friendly and unpretensious, but also intelligent and cultured. Get the hell outta there!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      YES!! Intelligent and cultured – what is that?!?! Haha!!

  13. Chris

    This made my day. Thanks. Keep up the good fight. People generally suck. Every once in a while you have to let ’em know it.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks, and we DO have to let them know once in a while!!

  14. LWSpotts

    Good for you. I’m afraid the “Fuck you” would have flown out of my mouth before I could stop it. I hope things get better.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      It probably will if I see that swimming lady on Monday hahah!!

  15. hecallsmescroogy

    Congrats on being the bigger person. I’m a firm believer that it doesn’t really add anything to the world to engage with certain individuals.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thank you!! I was shaking when we left because I was holding in what I REALLY wanted to say, but was so proud of myself for not! I can’t be held accountable for what happens Monday, though … I can only take so much haha!!

  16. skylah1053

    Loved this! Never have I wanted to chime in so badly and shout “fuck off” with anyone as much as I do while reading this post. People suck balls. A LOT. As for the jerk who left the comment, I’m sure he will be back. If he comments, please approve it so I can say fuck off directly. Oh pretty please.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      HAHA!! Thanks!! Glad to know others will chime in with me!! 🙂

      1. lauriejlong

        I will! I promise! I will even come up with childish names to call him.

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        Childish names!! YAH!! 🙂

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