My Trailer Trash Mom, Part Deux – the Trailer Was Destroyed

So my Trailer Trash Mom’s trailer was apparently destroyed yesterday.

I think I mentioned to all you faithful blog followers last week that my mom is married to a hillbilly that lives out in the rednecked New Mexico version of the Ozarks, in a trailer. She spews her hillbilly shit all over the place all the time now; has since she eloped with this guy last October. To make matters worse, the guy is a total liar (as most psychopathic hillbillies are), and as such there is a constant stream of stories from him over why they can’t move from New Mexico back to my mother’s lavish life in California. At present she – and she, alone – can only visit, which she has been doing now since the beginning of March.

Apparently, the trailer they were trying to sell on the land – the one where hillbilly husband claimed 15 Mexican migrant workers had essentially begun squatting in, refusing to leave; that trailer fell victim to a hail storm yesterday. That’s right: all my Trailer Trash Mom’s hopes and dreams of having a property to sell in New Mexico were destroyed yesterday when a supposed storm ripped through their land, dropping hail the size of my head (her description) – and while this sign of End Times storm was not apparently bad enough to be reported widely in the news, it was bad enough to completely destroy the trailer that the Mexican squatters were inhabiting, which was the only ticket my mom had out of New Mexico.

I’ve asked this before (and recently): at what point do you call bullshit on all of this? Apparently, for my Trailer Trash Mom, she has not reached that point yet. She instead took it out on me.

My Trailer Trash Mom waltzed into Pookie’s swimming lesson today and she actually had a snarl on her face.

My Trailer Trash Mom

Heather, what is the plan for this weekend?


Um, what do you mean ‘what is the plan’? I am making dinner for 15 of your family members on Sunday and bringing it to Grandma and Grandpa’s apartment.

My Trailer Trash Mom

I thought I was coming over Saturday to help you.


Well, I don’t remember you offering help, and that is nice of you but I’m going to an opera gala Saturday evening so have already prepped everything and the cake is even done and frozen.

My Trailer Trash Mom

Heather! Some of us don’t actually like your cooking!

Now you all may be pausing to wonder just what the fuck is going on. Last week she said that she had volunteered me to single-handedly prepare this grandiose meal because I am “such a good cook.” Now apparently she meant to say she wanted to come over and use my kitchen because a lot of them don’t actually like my cooking.

Keeping in mind that my mother has a tendency to try and pick fights with me when she is in a pissy mood, I simply replied:



A few minutes went by.

My Trailer Trash Mom

So what kind of vegetables are you making?


Well, I was going to make —

My Trailer Trash Mom

Because you know that some of us there don’t have teeth.

Yes, faithful blog followers, my mother is correct. Some of them do not have teeth – at least real ones, that is. This includes my Trailer Trash Mom. Makes her even more trailer trash-y, doesn’t it?


Green beans, mom.

My Trailer Trash Mom

So do I have any change?



My Trailer Trash Mom

So do I have any change? I gave you $60.


No, Mom – no change. $60 barely bought the meat. We’re having roasted trip tip, green beans, mushroom risotto, the triple layered cake, and I’m making BLT bites, deviled eggs, and caprese skewers for appetizers. You do not have any change.

A few more minutes went by, and this time it was awkward.

My Trailer Trash Mom

So I was thinking about it and we’re going to use Grandma’s dishes.

I should mention that my grandparents live in an assisted living apartment complex. This means that they don’t actually cook their own meals – they meet with all the other elderly people that live in those apartments three times a day and have meals served to them. This means they have no kitchen in their apartment, except for a little microwave and a mini fridge.


Mom, who is going to do all those dishes?

My Trailer Trash Mom

Well, we are.


Who is we? We really cannot stay much past dinner and gifts.

My Trailer Trash Mom

You and I. Heather, this is a special occasion. I am not going to have it ruined with your trashy plastic plates and silverware. You can just find the time to stay and do the dishes.

I did not continue her conversation any further. Had I, I may have told her where she could shove her Mother’s Day dinner, her dirty dishes, and all of her ingratitude for all the things I do. Later in the day she yelled at me some more about how she didn’t like the way I had set up the new bed in the spare bedroom of our apartment. Then she capped it all off with a random tirade about what I don’t know – I didn’t pay attention to a word of it. Clearly my Trailer Trash Mom has some trailer trash issues that need to be resolved so she can stop taking them out on other people. The other possibility is that she’s been away from Hillbilly Husband for far too long, and is itching to get back to the trailer they rent off the property that held the trailer they owned, which my Trailer Trash Mom has never actually seen but was apparently destroyed yesterday by hail.

New Mexico calls, Trailer Trash Mom! New Mexico calls!


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  4. aver1

    wow! TRY to have a happy mother’s day and please take LOTS of pics…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh, a lot of pictures there will be!!

  5. The Day My Trailer Trash Mom Went Insane | B(itch) Log

    […] the century is just a few days away, and she is now out to prove how angry she is at the world by abusing me over the whole meal preparation thing as she possibly can. I realize, now, that the reason she is […]

  6. Jim Cantwell

    Wow, I think I would have just had to say enough is enough you do it you have more tolerance than I do.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I’m about to that point, which you will see in a moment why…

  7. alienredqueen

    Oh gosh, Heath! You need to get that woman away from you! She’s poison! Believe me when I say I know “from whenst I speak”. She sounds a bit like a manic depressive off her meds. Wow. This makes me mad FOR you…perhaps because I can relate so well.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks so much!! She definitely has some undiagnosed issues, which is (I think) why she and Hillbilly Husband are perfect for each other!

  8. rich

    i like the new look of the site. easier on the eyes with the colors.

    can we beat the squatters?

    “because some of us don’t have teeth.”

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Because some of us don’t have teeth hahahah!!

  9. Jeremy (@takeshikitano3)

    Holy shit. That is all.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I KNOW!! She’s so whack.

  10. the howler and me

    OMG! I don’t even know what to say. That shit is ridiculous!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt


  11. belsebubba

    I mean… damm!
    how do you manage?

    thank you for a great blog!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      HAHA! Thanks!!

  12. gkorula

    Sounds like it’s going to be a fantastic meal – the food I mean,I’d brace myself for the actual event. Although even if the “family” part goes horribly wrong, I’m looking forward to your reporting of events.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks hahah!! The meal will be spectacular but is going to be a total fiasco no matter what happens I’m sure!

  13. Kanerva

    Is your mum acting out because deep in her (insert body part of choice) she’s twigged that things are definitely not what they seem…? On the other hand she could just be a TTM.
    I’ll be a little voice of dissent and say bring back the old theme 🙂 I’m quite sure after a few more visits it will be a non-issue.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I think you are spot on – she knows the truth and it bothers her that she has no control over it, so has to take it out on everyone else! She’s also just crazy.

  14. jimcolv

    I have to agree with Frugalistablog, Trailer-Trash Barbie is a freaking hit!!! The new theme is great too. I was thinking about changing mine up for post number 50!!!

    It is rather sad to see what’s happening here though. I also know how it feels to be under appreciated and taken for granted. Some people are just totally selfish; they lack the ability to look beyond themselves. They are not mindful of how their actions impact others. What’s also sad is when you try to point this character flaw out they begin to dig in deeper.

    I’ve learned that you just have to keep on pushing. People are going to continue to do them regardless of how you may feel, right, wrong or indifferent. We can only control how we react or handle situations. I think you’ve been doing a stand up job; and blogging about it is definitely a more constructive way of dealing with things. Personally, I’d be ready to slap the fire out of someone, but I realized that these people are not worthy of my hand blessing them, so I just smile….

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks!! And you are all right – Trailer Trash Barbie should be a featured item haha. As long as my mom is around, I suppose she will be!

  15. Frugalistablog

    Can you put the trailer trash Barbie in ALL your posts?? I fucking love it!!!
    Nice new look by the way. I think your mom needs medication. She and her hillbilly should live in the old folks home your grandparents do. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about any of her problems- broken house, no change left after groceries… right? Sigh…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Interestingly enough, she says that if they ever make it back out here to California permanently, they will be moving into a “senior active living complex.” I asked just what the fuck that is, and she said it was the same place my grandparents live in. Funny how when she refers to it for my grandparents, though, it’s not phrased so nice and fun sounding haha.

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