Conversations With Nick

I feel bad for my husband sometimes. Not only does he have a terribly dysfunctional job situation (works far from home, works too many hours, etc); and has the likes of Hello Kitty Toaster for a family situation, but he’s also married to me. I can be one of the most foul-mouthed, hard-to-tolerate women on the planet sometimes. I’m blunt. I’m crude. I was raised by a man, so every other sentence out of my mouth is “suck my balls.” And while I talk about balls and drop the f-bomb constantly, I’m horrified by things like leaving the toilet seat up, belching in my face, and hogging down our dinner like it’s feeding time at the barnyard. I’m a tough nut to crack at times.

My husband and I also have very little in common. I hate the film industry. He works in the film industry. He is an avid Laker fan. I love the Bulls and  punch things when I see Kobe come on TV. Another thing we don’t really have in common is a sense of humor. My husband has none and I am constantly making jokes about everything going on around us.

Today there were a few times when Nick was being good old, serious Nick, and I was just being my typical crude and poking fun at everything-self. I like to call them Conversations With Nick.

Conversations With Nick, Episode 1: Do I Look Pretty?

B(itch): “I don’t even know why I get dressed or put on makeup anymore.”

Nick: “Neither do I. You look the same no matter what.”

B(itch): [insert glare]

Nick: “What?”

B(itch): “Are you kidding me?”

Nick: “What?”

B(itch): “When was the last time you thought about complimenting me?”

Nick: “Our wedding.”

B(itch): “One: one compliment every so many years is insufficient. Two: ‘you look bone-able’ is not a compliment.”

Conversations With Nick, Episode 2: Are You Putting Your Penis in My Donut?

B(itch): “Hahah! That donut picture I showed you earlier made you want donuts and now everyone on Facebook thinks you’re going to stick your penis in it.”

Nick: “Heather… seriously…”

B(itch): “What, do you want to stick your dick in a donut tomorrow morning? Was that your plan?”

Nick: “No that wasn’t my fucking plan, Jesus!”

B(itch): “Are you sure?”

Nick: “Pretty sure. I’m going to bed.”

B(itch): “It’s 8:15!!! Stay here, I have to come up with a snappy comeback!”

Nick: “You do that. I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow for donuts that I will not be sticking my dick in.”

Conversations With Nick, Episode 3: Peeing Policy

B(itch): [walking out of the bathroom] “I just realized we never got into that whole ‘pee with the door open’ thing people do.”

Nick: “I didn’t know people peed with the door open.”

B(itch): “Yeah, I’ve seen people do it in movies and shit.”

Nick: “So are you saying because you’ve seen people pee with the door open in movies ‘and shit’ that you want to start peeing with the door open?”

B(itch): “No.”

Nick: “Are you saying you want me to pee with the door open?”

B(itch): “No, I’m just saying we never got into that.”

Nick: “Okay, whatever.”


Nick: “So, just to be clear, do you want me to start leaving the door open when I pee?”

B(itch): “No, my God what are you thinking!!”

Conversations With Nick, Episode 4: Oh, you just want to schtick her with your donut dick.

B(itch): “I think Zoey Deschanel has had some major plastic surgery.”

Nick: “I don’t think so.”

B(itch): “Look – in this movie [watching All the Real Girls] she looks totally different than she does now.”

Nick: “She looks the same.”

B(itch): “No way!! She doesn’t have that stupid fucking puckered lip bull shit that makes me want to rip her face off. And she clearly has had some kind of Botox shit put around the top of her face so she doesn’t look like such a meth addict.”

Nick: “I think you have issues with Zooey Deschanel, not whether or not she’s had plastic surgery.”

B(itch): “Oh, you just want to schtick her with your donut dick. I bet you’d tell her she looked nice more often than once every few years.”

Nick: “What in the hell are you talking about? I am not sticking my penis in that donut! I’m going to bed.”

B(itch): “You said that over an hour ago. You can’t resist my foulness.”

I know … I know what you all are thinking: poor Nick. It’s hard to be married to a foul-mouthed skank such as myself.


  1. Conversations With Nick, Episode 3: Anyone In There? | B(itch) Log

    […] it’s also been a while since my husband (Poor Nick) talked about putting his penis through a donut hole; or since I had a dream that he was having an affair with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut […]

  2. Awakened Nova

    Hahaha!! Love it!
    I think in my last relationship I was Nick and my ex was you.
    As foul mouthed and blunt as I am, I think I missed the fun train, and he never grew up past childhood. We never ‘got’ each other. Or would get what he was joking about, but not see the funny side, so just stare at him blankly with the whole “like seriously” head cock to the side.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahaha – I love the fun train. That said, I sometimes think that my humor is almost too mature for Nick. Sometimes he seems to still be in that fifteen-year-old-emo-take-everything-seriously-mode.

  3. Donuts, Thievery, and a Public Pregnancy Test: My Friday Wrap Up | B(itch) Log

    […] donut that I had for breakfast. It’s a rare occasion that I eat a donut, and after that whole Donut Dick conversation with my husband last month, I was even hesitant to have them today. After all the BS […]

  4. Chris Sheridan

    Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!! For this post! Your conversations with Nick were really funny, and the Psycho Girlfriend video just absolutely killed me! Can’t remember the last time I laughed this much at a post on WP! 😀

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Haha – thanks!!

  5. boomiebol

    You are tooooooo funny. Poor Nick indeed :)!!! Great episodes, you know they would make for great tv or skits on SNL. Lol! Have a great Sunday. Sucks the bulls are no longer in the playoffs, at this point anyone can win as long as it’s not The Heat!!!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      HA!! Thanks!!

      And it TOTALLY sucks that the Bulls are out. I’m disappointed that D-Rose’s injury is looking at 8 -12 months too.. but you are right, DOWN WITH THE HEAT!!

  6. The “ME” Project

    It always used to make me feel a little confused when people would say “Be yourself” Because I literally cannot be anyone else- granted, there are a lot of layers and nooks and crannies and shit to “me”, but I am who I am, I’ve always been different, and for the most part, I’m totally fine with it. I think we are kindred spirits, dude, because you and I are even more alike than I originally thought. I, too, say “fuck” every other word (and often use it as filler when I am trying to locate another word in the outer reaches of my brain, as in “You know, that fucking whatever the fuck it was that what’s her fuck brought over with her…Yeah, the spinach dip!”)
    Yet, on the other hand, I actually told my boyfriend of way too long last night that if he ever purposefully farted in the same room as me and it smelled like that, it was seriously OVER. Because that is fucking disgusting you ill-mannered fucking heathen fuckwad.
    You know what? It doesn’t have to make a ton of sense or be defended, as long as it is who you are. It’s great that you can feel comfortable enough with your husband to let even the not-so-pretty stuff show, and it’s great that he’s obviously fine with it. Don’t feel bad for him- unless you got married on your first date, he knew what he was getting.
    I love reading your blog! Keep it up!

    1. alienredqueen

      I am another one of your wayward kin then. Sailor-mouthed, however, I made it pretty clear from the outset with my husband that I was not a “we’re totally cool with farting around each other” kind of chick.
      I am curious, though, Heather…how did you and hubs end up hooking up, as you are so different?

      1. Heather Christena Schmidt

        That is an interesting and very relevant question. In the end, it turned out that my husband just didn’t want to be alone and wanted someone – anyone – to deal with his family so he didn’t have to. As for me, I always think of that Old Wives Story about the proverbial man whose wife claimed to LOVE sports while they were dating, only to find out that she really hated them once the ring was on the finger. I am the man in this situation and sports are a myriad of things.

    2. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks so much!

      And I totally get what you are saying about the whole “be yourself.” Who the fuck ELSE am I going to be? That said, when you really and truly ARE yourself, how often are people not okay with that? At least when they aren’t, I guess they didn’t REALLY want you to be yourself. Like when people say “tell the truth.” Do they really want to hear it?

  7. jimcolv

    Ha!!!! That’s quite the healthy relationship. I don’t see a problem at all. Gotta have that balance. People are so freaking self-conscious about what others say or how others perceive them. I say fuckemall (I love that phrase). Do you my friend, do you…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I LOVE YOUR PHRASE – you should patent that shit. Fuckemall!!

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