Donuts, Thievery, and a Public Pregnancy Test: My Friday Wrap Up

You faithful blog followers may have noticed I haven’t posted in about a week. I’ve been dealing with technical issues regarding my book that was supposed to be released via eBook May15th, but was postponed until this upcoming Tuesday, June 5th because of said issues. If you haven’t checked out the trailer, you can watch it here.

In the meantime, here is my Friday wrap up:

I was just thinking to myself this morning on the way to Best Donuts to get the town’s best … donuts … in honor of National Donut Day: man, B(itch) … you really haven’t had much to b(itch) about lately. Sure, I’ve had this Kindle publishing issue, and I have had my fair share of jerky statements from my husband and other locals, but I really haven’t had much to complain about in the last week that has comprised an entire blog post. Life has been pretty blasé.

Until I went to the fucking mall today.

We are housesitting for my father and have very little to do with our time, so decided after eating breakfast donuts and milk that we’d go shopping at the mall. I didn’t have any homeschooling planned out for this week because we were actually supposed to go with my father to this sports dork convention he is speaking at, but we decided at the last minute to stay home to take care of some other stuff around his house for him.

At the mall, I found some awesome kid’s White Sox t-shirts (FINALLY!!!), as well as some great make-up deals at Sephora. I even got two shirts at Express before we headed to The Gap to return a dress I had bought last week and pick up a few other things we needed to replace (ahem, jelly shoes). I would say I had about $200 of merchandise in my hands when we got to The Gap – merchandise I had already purchased – and the cashier asked if I could fill out my name and address for the exchange of the dress for the jelly shoes. I set my bags down on the counter right next to me and in a matter of seconds, the woman standing behind me grabbed my bags and ran.

The cashier screamed “she just stole this woman’s bags!!!” as we saw the lady run out of the mall. No one chased her. I certainly didn’t (knowing four people from my time working at Longs Drugstore who have lifetime injuries from chasing thieves). I also immediately checked my purse, which was still slung over my shoulder, to make sure that everything was in it (it was). But then I was seriously annoyed in the coming minutes because of how poorly the matter was held.

First, the cashier told me they aren’t allowed to call mall security if the actual store is not getting robbed. This – in and of itself – is a stupid and pointless rule. What would it hurt anyone for them to call security?

Next, after walking all the way to mall security, I was informed that they are not allowed to “chase after” people, and that if I would like I could walk around the mall and look for someone carrying our bags.

Finally, I realized the most egregious of things regarding the theft. I was super upset about the fact that about $200 was wasted, for which I would not get any of that or my merchandise back. When I went back to the sports store, though, the White Sox sizes I needed were out. When I went back to Sephora, I learned that the eyeshadow I had stolen – which I have worn for years – was discontinued and the one I had bought was the last one they had. And in the final straw – the real kick in the face – I realized that I had put my book in one of the bags that was stolen because the weight it added to my shoulder was hurting my neck, and inside of that book was my super-nice bookmark from the Hemingway Museum in Oak Park, IL. The bookmark has been a sentimental thing for me – it reminds me of home and makes me feel less sad having it with me as I remember the last time I was there, when I purchased it.

Such bull shit.

Later this evening, I was then pitying myself, and emotionally eating and drinking, when I had to hit up the bathroom at my local Mimi’s Cafe. We go to this Mimi’s all the time, so much so that I am the mayor of it on Foursquare and the employees know us. What can I say, I’m a fan of faux French bistro food and Happiest Hour $5 soups. So I went to the bathroom to wash the filth of the day off my hands and while in there I saw a woman standing there, dipping an EPT pregnancy test into a paper McDonald’s cup she had peed in.

Who the shit takes a pregnancy test in a  public restroom like that?

Further, why in the name of all that is good would she pee into a McDonald’s cup, rather than what a normal person would do, which is pee on the fucking stick? Those things have splash guards for a reason.

It was quite a day, faithful blog followers. Quite a fucking day. The only redeeming thing about it was my strawberry frosting- and sprinkle-covered donut that I had for breakfast. It’s a rare occasion that I eat a donut, and after that whole Donut Dick conversation with my husband last month, I was even hesitant to have them today. After all the BS from the rest of the day, I may just have one tomorrow though. Or maybe two …

… or maybe I will just have a whole box.


  1. Pigslob Trailer Park Queen | B(itch) Log

    […] had a pretty crappy weekend, which began with that awful theft of my things at the mall. I’m used to it though – crappy times for me seem to be the […]

  2. Mom Meets Blog

    What a day! I was half-expecting that the pee stick woman was the one who stole your bags! Imagine what a scene that would have made. . .

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That would have been pretty flippin’ amazing…

  3. cheryl

    You were probably wise not to chase after the thief, but I think I’d be so pissed I would probably high tail it after her. Sorry for the stroke of bad luck-never had to deal with that scenario.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks!! And if there was one thing I learned from my time in retail, it’s that you should never chase those people!

  4. Smaktakula

    Wow, the mall episode really blows! What the hell is mall security for other than to showcase employment opportunities for those unique individuals who are not just lazy and dangerously obese, but also profoundly stupid.
    Speaking of which, for the sake of both the gene pool, let’s hope McDonalds lady sees the ‘minus sign.’

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Yeah, I fail to see what the point of mall security is at this point if they aren’t going to make things more secure.

      I thought the same thing about that pregnancy test, believe you me!!

  5. boomiebol

    Tough day…sorry about your stuff…who does that though stealing other people’s stuff…such a shame on them. Sending you hugs and hope the remainder of your weekend is way way better.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks!! 🙂

  6. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins

    Im glad i revamped national donut day , maybe it will help. Tough day dear !!!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Haha, National Donut Day – fuck yeah!!

      1. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins

        yeah national donut day is 100 X sexier now 🙂

  7. jimcolv

    I was wondering where the hell you’ve been hiding. I haven’t blogged much in the past month myself. I’m going through a personal crisis of sorts. I try to be a well reserved and mild mannered individual but lately I can’t find too much positive shit to write about. People are fucking hypocrites, family is unreliable, the news makes it seem as if no good can ever come to others, unless of course we all believe in the same God and live in an ecclesiastical sense.

    I know I’ve mentioned it before but that light of hope for humanity is becoming increasingly dim. It’s time to start increasing the doseage of my prescription of Fukitol and meditate upon my new philosophical mantra of Fukemal. Hey… I think I have a winner….

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      FUKEMAL!!!!! Sorry to hear you are having personal crises … life sucks. 😦

      1. jimcolv

        My personal crisis is this writer’s block that I’ve run into. I feel like shit when I sit down to write and nothing seems to flow. I’m so not focused right now. I’m also so ready to leave Afghanistan and return home to familiarity and comfort. Life doesn’t suck, but living life where I am truly does…. Don’t mind me, I can be a bit of a Drama King… 😉

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        I disagree with you … life DOES suck. It’s how you deal with the suck-age that is most important though. Good luck on overcoming writers block. I hate that shit so much – I was blocked for about eight months last year, except my blog. That was so upsetting to me.

  8. lauriejlong

    I hope the bag thief dies of a syphilitic condition. What a see-you-next-Tuesday! Jerk off shist for brains. I think we ought to chop off the hands of thieves like they did in the good ol’ days.

    Sorry about such a crapola day.

    1. jimcolv

      Yeah, what she said!!!

      1. lauriejlong

        Whe are all bad-asses around here.

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        Got that right!

      3. Heather Christena Schmidt


    2. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks!! I agree with you – chop off their hands!!

  9. alienredqueen

    Man, what a useless bunch those people are… can’t call security, can’t chase people…what the fuck are they good for…maybe they can chaperon if the thief has a change of heart and wants to exchange your goods backs to you for ransom???

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I know, it’s like – what the fuck is the point of paying those do-nothings?!

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