“Happy Humpday” and Other Terms That Weird Me Out (Part 1)

Today I was at Sports Authority, buying sweat socks and sunscreen for Pookie since tennis lessons resumed today, and one of the employees said to another employee that was heading out for the day: “have a good Humpday.”

I shuddered at having heard it – huummpppday.

My week has been full of these terms that either gross me out or make no sense, or in at least one case makes me go crazy because of the grammatical faux pas. Here they are, in no specific order:

Happy Humpday!

Why not start off with the obvious one, huummpppday. I get what it means: Wednesday is the middle of the week – the hump, you might say – and once Wednesday is over, the theory is that the week should be smooth sailing from there.

Okay, but I have never had normal work week-type schedules, at least since I graduated from high school. When I went to college, Wednesday was my Friday. When I worked in politics, there was no such thing as a day off. When I went to graduate school I never knew what day or time it was, I only knew grading and writing papers and drinking more and more Diet Coke. After graduate school … well, you know what I do now. Besides meandering around town finding bozos and weirdos to report to you fine, faithful blog followers, I homeschool and get a healthy dose of The Simpsons on DVD and red wine in my nightly binges of those, my two favorite things.

Since my husband works just about all the time, Wednesday has no significance on that front either, so I suppose the “hump” part of humpday just makes me think of people going home and doing it, actually dry humping (because that is when you actually use the term huummp). It also reminds me of the time my first California boyfriend’s dad referred to what he was going to do with his wife as “a’ humpin’ and a’ bumpin’.” He had no teeth and his wife smoked two packs of Marlboros a day. A horrifying thought, I know.

“…my lady parts…”

Yesterday, as my Trailer Trash Mom made her way out of our lives again, she sealed the deal that I will not be returning her phone calls anymore when she said the following to me, verbatim:

“Heather … I left the rags I used to watch my lady parts drying on the side of the bathtub. No time for showering, but my man likes it clean!”

I will pause for you all to get your buckets and vomit everything in your guts.

I’ve heard people say “…my lady parts…” before and, quite frankly, it grosses me out. First and foremost, who needs to talk about them? I can’t remember the last time I was at a party and thought about talking about what’s going on in my crotch. And even if I did, I wouldn’t call them “…my lady parts…” I would just call them like they are. “Yeah, I left my vaginal rags on your bathtub…” and “…I’m wearing my bra top again and have been snacking all day – who knows what treasures will spill out of my boob cracks when I get ready for bed!”

“I know, right?”

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THE ‘RIGHT?’!!! No seriously. Every person that says this has to know that they are not speaking in grammatically correct fashion. And I know how the Internet has made people grammar Nazis and all, with correcting people on ‘their’ versus ‘there’ versus ‘they’re’ like it even fucking matters; so why are so many people getting away with this stupidity?!

I know, right?

Today I heard a librarian – A LIBRARIAN!!!!! – say this four times in the same sentence. And the sentence was really long and all about how she just suddenly became lactose intolerant to milk and even ice cream! To THINK that you would have a problem with ice cream as a lactose intolerant individual when ice cream is made of milk!!

This brings up a little side thought: every time I think I have no shred of faith left in humanity, I witness something like this. The I know, right? does not help this at all.

Ladies Night!!

Maybe it is the term “lady” that I don’t like, because “Ladies Night!!” is weird to me too. This could be for two reasons:

(1) Every ladies night I’ve ever been on has involved all of us dressing up like glaringly obvious whores who have boyfriends or husbands, so are clearly “off the market” but still want to be ogled for our untouchables; followed by all of us parading our skanky asses around some bar trying to get people’s attention. I don’t mind going out with friends sometimes, but in all seriousness why can’t we just get all hot and shit but stay home and watch movies and get plowed on cheap wine?

or, the other possibility is that

(2) I can’t fucking stand this song:


This one might be more of a pet peeve. Why is everything epic now? Why is it not worth doing if “epic” is not attached to it? Why must everything be so exciting and wonderful and over the top all the time?

What weirds me out about the word epic is that it seems to make it more socially acceptable to talk about things people wouldn’t normally talk about.

“Yeah, dude, I just ate an epic cheesy crunch gordita at Taco Bell and it was a real gut-buster.”

“Wow, man, that is so epic.”

“I’m going to have to go take an epic dump before my date tonight. I want to make sure it’s epic and I don’t need any gordita sliding out the ol’ a-hole while we’re a’ humpin’ and a’ bumpin’, if you know what I’m saying.”

“Oh brah, that would be so epic if your gordita flew out your ass while she was cleaning the rims!”

See what I think people who use the term “epic” so fluently are like? They also don’t really seem to actually know what the word means, since it is used in a variety of contexts.

I’m actually horrified with the crudity with which I have taken this one, so I think I will stop there. For now, that is. Comment terms that weird you out and they might be featured in Part 2 … once I’ve had time to clean up the EPIC trail of cheesy gordita crunch vomit I’ve spewed everywhere from the thought of my own words and ideas presented in this blog. I know, right?


  1. Happy Humpday! « Soup du Journalism

    […] before you ask what the title is about, it was inspired by this hilarious blog post. I’d only ever heard the term on Mean Girls before, but never understood […]

  2. nycanna

    You just became my favorite blogger from this post alone. I never understood the “Happy Humpday” ordeal. Most of the people who say it won’t be getting humped literally, so why bother saying it? As I read your spiel on “I know, right?” I was wondering whether I say that. I’m not sure. I’ve definitely said it but I don’t think I say it regularly, so I’m in the clear! Let’s not even go down the ladies parts road. Tits, ass, vagina, boobs. And epic…I’ve always hated epic. “Last night was epic, man!” “Oh em gee, that was an epic fail!” Just shut up. Use a different adjective to describe how great the night was. Epic is overused. It was annoying to begin with but now everything is epic. Pretty soon war is going to be described as epic as well as gruesome murders. This species is so weird. I’m glad dogs don’t find things to be epic and dogs that aren’t fixed celebrate humpday most every day. (Why did I just start talking about dogs? Do you like dogs?)

    Okay, well I’ll be a constant reader of your blog 🙂 Take care!

    – Anna

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh, thank you so much! That means a lot – I love it when readers enjoy what I write.

  3. Mom Meets Blog

    “Epic fail” seems to be popular with the tween set, mostly the boys – practically anything that goes wrong in life gets labeled an “epic fail” usually followed by the ubiquitous “dude”; not to mention “epcially” (I guess that’s how it’s spelled) as in something that is “epically major”. Dude.

  4. lauriejlong

    I LOVE you Heather! You stole the words out of my mouth. I almost vomited several during the reading of this. I believe 8:45 AM is to early to feel this nauseated. You are epic in your writing. 😉

    P.S. Today is the day!

  5. journeyofjordannaeast

    There should be a “love” button, this post was epic.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      HAHA! Thanks. Your comment was equally as epic.

  6. alienredqueen

    “Epic” annoys the piss out of me, because it’s usually dumb-ass teenagers claiming their Friday night, their scrimmage match, their freakin’ chickwich from the cafeteria, is ALL epic. It’s right up there with “FML.”
    Like, “Cat scratched up my favorite shoes…FML” or “Got no sleep last night, FML.” FML? Really? You poor soul. Your life must be tragically difficult. We should write a play about it. Asswipe.
    I have to say, I am guilty of the “IKR” phrase. I first heard it when I was fifteen. A guy from New Jersey that I dated said it all the time.
    And your Mom… she just oozes class. I mean…WOW.

    1. jimcolv

      How the hell could I forget FML… I barely use any short form of words anymore. The first one I eliminated from my lexicon was LOL. I don’t “LOL”, I actually Hahaha or Haaaaaa (like that makes a bit of difference).

      1. alienredqueen

        Haha. I know. Cuz now if I really “LOL” I actually will usually type something like “L’dOL LITERALLY” just because now it’s just a given that it’s overused.

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        Oh GOD, I have never and will never use LOL. And you all are so right about FML.

    2. Heather Christena Schmidt

      My mother oozes more than just class. (Excuse me while I vomit some more).

      What the hell is a chickwhich?

      1. alienredqueen

        Generic “chicken product” pressed into a patty and breaded.

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt


  7. Abby Rae

    Epic post, Lady! (I couldn’t resist!) 😉

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I know, right?! ;D

  8. Kayleigh Tanner

    Ah! I never knew what ‘humpday’ meant before I read this! I guess it hasn’t made it to England yet… it’s quite funny, but probably only because it hasn’t saturated our language yet though. In total agreement about ‘epic’ though. Catching a bus on time isn’t ‘epic’. Throwing a piece of paper into a bin without missing isn’t ‘epic’. Nice weather isn’t ‘epic’. Ugh.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      No, none of those things are epic hahahah – I heard someone refer to their rice krispie treat as “epic” today and I almost puked hahah

  9. Lorraine Gouland

    Ah, hasn’t the world always been corrupt and on the slide? We just see more of it because the camera/press/internet has got behind those ‘closed doors’. However, in the UK we have a wonderfully gross expression that I dislike… The Dog’s Bollocks. This is meant to signify a good thing. Yuk. The one I really, really hate though is… iconic. Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!! Use this term EVER and you will be off my Christmas/Birthday/Friends list forever.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I think iconic ranks up there with paradigm. When I was in grad school I used the word paradigm all the time. Now that I’m out of grad school I hear people saying it constantly who have no idea what they are talking about; and/or just want to sound intelligent.

  10. rich

    have you noticed that lady’s night is usually wednesday nights? i mean when a bar gives reduced drink prices for ladies? that’s because the ex-husbands and baby-daddies have the kids that night, so it’s the night for mom to get out and get on with her drink/dance/fuck/walk of shame.

    1. jimcolv

      You know what Rich, I never even thought of that. Wednesday’s are a common day for visitation and stuff. I’ve seen plenty of Thursday night Ladies Nights as well. Guess it depends on the city/county.

      1. Heather Christena Schmidt

        I think most of our ladies nights are on Thursdays out here. Maybe because that is when kids start weekends with dad?

    2. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I never noticed that, I always thought it was because it’s a weeknight and wouldn’t impact their big business nights. I always like it when a man calls “ladies night” sexist. Okay…

  11. rich

    i’m okay with “i know, right.” or as my daughter says, “IKR.” eh, she’s 14. i hate swag. i hate epic. i hate “score!” as for lady parts, well, i’m leaving that up to you. just trying to stay out of the puddles.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I hate “score!” too. I think I hate “sweet” now too.

  12. bornattwentyfive

    I fucking loathe the term ” I really screwed the pooch”! One of my top ten peeves lol

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      What in God’s name does that mean? And if it means “I really screwed up like as if I had sex with a dog,” I think it would be way more effective and/or horrifying if it was a sheep or a goat. “I really screwed the sheep on this one.” Now that just sounds creepy.

      1. bornattwentyfive

        Hahaha I heard it for the first time about a year ago, and I swear I hear it all the time now. It means you really screwed up like as if you banged a dog. I tried coming up with and using my own saying like “like I really f’d a cow on this one” but it didn’t stick:( lol

  13. gkorula

    I always liked the phrase, “Birthday Fuck” – everybody deserves a birthday fuck. I think a kid in my school said that and I’ve not been able to get it out of my head. LANGUAGE Timothy (anybody remember the show SOrry!)

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Birthday Fuck?! Dear God!! That reminds me of that horrible horrible HORRIBLEEEEEE song Birthday Sex. That one’s going in Part 2 and you’ll see how awful it is if you’ve never heard it.

  14. Kanerva

    Epic fail. Mr. 12 almost 13, uses this incessantly. I know he’ll grow out of it. It just can’t be soon enough 🙂 I blame the internet. The other one is lady ____ anything. Pub quiz last night I was the lady waiting for the team of 20 something’s to pick a name. Hate it hate it hate it. As in, come on you guys pick a name, the lady’s waiting. .. I am old enough to be their mother, so maybe it’s a respect thing!

    1. jimcolv

      Fail is definitely a word that I’m pretty sure that we could go on existing in life without. Although I will say that visiting sites like Facebookingfail dot com is rather entertaining. But it’s sad that entertainment these days comes in the form of the shipwrecks that some people call their lives.

      1. Heather Christena Schmidt

        The worst is that EPIC and FAIL were combined. I, for one, thought the world was going to end for a while after that one.

    2. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I never thought of the respect factor with the “lady,” BUT THAT IS EVEN WORSE because it sounds more like a ma’am now. UGH! Hahaha.

  15. jimcolv

    I cannot stand the word “viral” and motherfuckers that use the word “swag”. I swear I want to shoot myself in the fucking testicles with a rusty nail gun and staple my jugular vein (now that would be an “epic” fatality)…..

    Your book reminded me about the conniptions that I use to get when people used the word “irregardless”. That and the backwards formed word “conversate”; to many it is a legitimate word that is used on a daily basis, just one problem: IT’S NOT A FREAKING WORD!!! People that use this word think that they are saying something that sounds intelligent but they actually look rather ignorant.

    Yes it is true, the hope for humanity is fading. It’s decline is further accelerated by the proliferation of social media, the licentious and corrupt nature of society, Congress, Religion and any other institution that serves to maintain control over people. I swear, at times I feel like getting “Howard Beale” on people; this world is full of madness and false imagery. We, as a whole, are so far removed from our true essence, but hey, that’s just my opinion. Crazy world we live in, right?….. 😉

    1. alienredqueen

      Or when people use the word “blase’ ” (blah-zay) as an expression, like they think it means the same thing as “Blah blah.” As in, “And he was all like, blase, blase, whatever…” That is NOT what it means, fool.

      1. jimcolv

        People have little regard for how to properly use the English language these days. People can’t even spell words correctly, we really expect for them to be able to know their actual definition?

      2. Heather Christena Schmidt

        How in the hell are people even graduating from high school and/or getting good, well-paying jobs? I see them all the time – fucking morons in really great places in life. Maybe I would be in a better place if I were a complete idiot.

      3. Heather Christena Schmidt

        Idiots. IDIOTS!!

    2. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Wait … what the fuck does “swag” even mean? I see people using that hashtag on Instragram all the time. STUPID! EPIC STUPIDITY!!

  16. topiclessbar

    I’m with you on ‘epic.’ Sick of it. Totally not with you on the Ladies Night song, which is awesome (and epic, actually). If for nothing else, you gotta love the dude with the deep voice who goes “Oh what a niiiight!” And the part where the singer shouts “Sophisticated mommas!” That’s cool. I like sophisticated mommas.

    Two phrases I dislike are both sort of rap song things: I can’t stand when a guy calls his girlfriend his “shortee,” although I’ll take that any day over a girl calling her boyfriend her “boo.” I typically like slang…these drive me nuts. “Shortee” makes it sound like you’re either dating a midget or your little sister, and saying “Boo” makes it seem like you’re five years old. Plus, it could be confusing. If my friend says someone is his “shortee,” and she ends up being tall and fat, I would feel misled.

    Okay, I will stop now. Excellent and funny post.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt


      I don’t even understand how or why “boo” came into fashion. I see these bitches on my Facebook posting it all the time and I think they have the mental capacity of a four year old. Probably less, actually.

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