Am I A Ticking, Biological Time-Bomb? Short answer? Yes. Long answer…

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Today one of my very dear friends (and an instrumental participant in nicknaming me ‘B(itch)’) texted me. He told me to watch a video he had just posted on his Facebook page after we got home from swimming lessons and all the other random stuff that keeps me so busy all the time. With most friends I would probably sluff it off; maybe watch it in a few days if I remembered and got a chance. But with this friend, I usually follow suit. Okay, I always follow suit – I think he has me whipped.

So I got home and watched this video immediately. It’s called 29/31 and he saw it at the Attack of the Show panel at Comic-con last weekend. The video, itself, is hilarious – it is the perspective of the same woman at ages 29 and 31. Being smack-dab in the center of this at 30 years old, I can empathize completely, moreso with 31. While I was never as sweet and optimistic as that 29 year old is, I definitely can feel the transition to ticking, biological time-bomb coming on.

Even for a married mother such as myself, the truth to this video is a little disturbing. In fact, I think that single or married doesn’t matter – a woman still feels many of these very things at this point in her life.

Or maybe it’s just me.

The B(itch)’s Transition to Ticking, Biological Time-bomb: Exhibit A

31 is right: there is no one left and we are all alone. At this point in time, most of my friends have gotten married or are well on their way. I’m married too so this should be no big deal, right? Except for the fact that now everyone is in a varied phase of these relationships, so have all pretty much disappeared from the universe outside.

Some friends are in new relationships that are getting serious on hyper-drive, and have absolutely no time for anything other than their significant other.

Other friends just got married, and everything has become a “we” this and a “we” that. Translation = fucking annoying to have any kind of conversation with them.

Then there are friends that have been married or in serious relationships for a while and have become these mommy-types that have absolutely no lives outside of said relationships and children.

I sometimes feel as though I am the only person that wants regular “me” time; and that can be away from my husband without having to check in regularly, without texting excessively, and talking about nothing but … well, my husband. The last Girl’s Night Out I went on was just like that – a bunch of girls sitting around, texting and talking about their men. Lame if you ask me.

The B(itch)’s Transition to Ticking, Biological Time-bomb: Exhibit B

29 is a fucking bitch that deserves a nagging case of jungle rot. Won’t settle for anything less than perfect, you say? I’ll give you perfect: perfect is a day that you don’t actually have to clean up toast crumbs off the counter, piss off the side of the toilet, or spread your legs for the 30 most awkward seconds of your day.

Surrounded by love and peace? The only place that love and peace exists in this world is in the naive and vaguely narcissistic dreamworlds that immature 20 year olds create for themselves. Negative you say? How about realistic.

Every year that goes by, I become evermore aware of how ugly this world can be. There are definitely good things about it – moments that make it all worth it, innocence undisturbed in a child and all that. But man is there a lot of crap too.

The B(itch)’s Transition to Ticking, Biological Time-bomb: Exhibit C

31 may be off base a little bit about the whole “ovaries shrinking”-thing. I mean, didn’t Madonna have a baby close to 50? But just because people do it doesn’t mean they should. Where she does hit the mark is in the biological reality of it all.

My husband and I were just talking about this the other night. When we met – years ago – I made it explicitly clear that were I to have any babies with him they would all be before 32; 33 max. I want to enjoy my retirement. I also don’t want to deal with the health complications that come with pregnancy later in your 30s, 40s, etc.

So it’s do-or-die time for us and to stand firm to my belief, I’m planning on looking into getting my tubes tied and his nuts clipped if 31 comes and goes. So in a way, I guess my ovaries are shrinking; or at least the “window of opportunity” is, in fact, about to shut forever.

Can you hear that clock ticking? Tick tock. Tick tock.

Ultimately, 29 is exactly what 31 calls her: an arrogant c-u-next-time. I sometimes wonder if I was that arrogant at 29. Who am I kidding? I’ve never been that arrogantly optimistic. It’s funny how time and change and your 30s make you so much more aware of the realities of age, though. Today I realized that my new vacuum cleaner is being delivered tomorrow – something that excited me to no end before I went completely bipolar and grew depressed over the fact that my excitement over a cleaning product is a sign of my age. My biological reality. Clearly I have already become a ticking, biological time-bomb. Next stop is screaming with 31.


  1. Kanerva

    Really?! I feel I should respond and debunk some of these myths 🙂 I just can’t get my brain into gear.
    There IS life after 31, and believe it or not, after 40 too! I think I turn 29 for the 18th time this next birthday …

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahahaha, I sure hope there is life after 31 because I’m barreling towards it rapidly. That said, I tell everyone I’m 28. AND since my husband didn’t acknowledge my 30th birthday AT ALL, I think I can use that as an excuse just to not acknowledge it too … right? Haha 🙂

  2. Awakened Nova

    Ah Heather, I totally love you for the fact you have the balls to say all the things I want to say. I’m 30 (31 in a few short weeks), gave my fiance the flick, a couple of months ago, and after a failed pregnancy earlier in the year am now at that “oh fuck, it’s all over. I’m going to be forever single and childless because I’m going to be too old”.
    I wanted to be a young, fun mum (mom in your language hehe). Too late now.
    But on the upside. I can do what I want when I want. No answering to anyone (apart from the dogs who demand their dinner, walks, cuddles…oh and the cats who want in and out and in and out.)

  3. paralaxvu

    So, “I also don’t want to deal with the health complications that come with pregnancy later in your 30s, 40s, etc.” This is so true. My mother was 37 when I was born, and here I am 67 years later, with diagnoses of depression, high blood pressure, anxiety, hypercholesterolemia, diabetes, and degenerative disk disease…oh wait, you meant my mom’s health? Huh. Well, she had a few diagnoses herself but still lived to the age of 93 and walked a mile up until the last year of her life. I take that to mean I was good for her health;-)

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You WERE good for her … and the rest of the world (especially the bloggy-blog world). But I mean things like health complications during pregnancy! Thanks so much for reading and liking and commenting my post 🙂

      1. paralaxvu

        Yours is one I always try to read when I have the time to just enjoy reading and thinking about what I’ve read. Yeah, I knew what you meant, I was just being old;-)

  4. xenogirl

    Wait until you hit 41.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh GOD!!


    I can see where 31 has a point that at some point we all feel like we have hit that downhill slide, but I am here to tell you that I am 32 and although I don’t feel I have made any great accomplishments in my life to this point I do feel like I have time to do them. I am a bit on the optimistic side, not to the crazy eyed 29 level, but I like to think that if you work hard enough you can make changes to your life. Maybe you won’t get exactly what you were looking for, but you will make strides towards that goal.
    I totally get you on feeling like everyone you know has suddenly disappeared into a relationship of some sort. I have been with my BF for coming up on seven years now and I have gone through all of the stages of wanting to be with no one else-to the incessant let’s talk about my relationship phase-to the what happened to all of my friends, why don’t we ever go out anymore chapter. Now we are at the comfortable level where we go out and do things, but enjoy having our own friends and our own lives stage. Unfortunately, the rest of my friends are spread all over SoCal and the only close friend he has in our area is married with two little kids so it’s hard to get them out of the house.
    Look now my comment is turning into a blog. I have to stop. Just know you have struck many a chord with me and I really enjoyed reading, as usual. You are an awesome writer and I love your originality!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I hope I am as optimistic as you are at 32!

      I think we are just at the age where friends are going through the “newness” stage of new marriages and/or serious relationships. I wish it would end already because I am sick and tired of everyone always being only-signicant-other!!

  6. Jeremy (@takeshikitano3)

    I love you Bitch.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Aww, I love you too!! And that you can so easily resurrect my feelings of being an old hag haha 😉

  7. Connie

    Well said! Thank you. 🙂

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thank YOU for reading!! 🙂

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