What do Kristen Stewart and the Olympics have in common?
That’s right! This lady doesn’t give a fuck about either!
So I woke up this morning and read my Google News aggregate page. All over it was some kind of bullshit about Kristen Stewart cheating on her Twilight boyfriend. And that he wants to have a heart-to-heart with the director of ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ to get the play-by-play of how this went down between them off set.
So let me get this straight:
There is an ebola outbreak in Uganda.
There is rising conflict in Syria.
Some crazy fuck just killed and maimed a bunch of people for reasons unbeknownst to anyone in – big surprise – Colorado.
And the economy in this country has been in the tank for what feels like forever.
But the most important news on the fucking Google News aggregate was about this dumb broad cheating on Twilight guy?
Who gives a fuck?
Okay, if you are one that gives a fuck, OK. I get it – you are into this type of thing. Maybe you liked the Twilight movies. Maybe you dig celebrity gossip. Maybe you have a hard on for Kristen Stewart or a herd on (her-hard on) for the Twilight guy and think this might be your big chance. Whatever the case may be, fine! But there are still much more important and relevant topics to discuss. At least on the fucking news, that is. This reminds me of when the United States was invading Afghanistan and Britney Spears was shaving her head. Fucking CNN had Britney shaving her shit on the big screen and the Afghan thing was a little running blurb at the bottom.
More than anything, I just have to say to this Twilight guy (note: I do not know his name because I have not watched any of those movies):
You are hot. Why the shit are you sitting around having heart-to-hearts with the guy your daft, and quite frankly ugly, girlfriend cheated on you with? Move on. There are other fish in the see, yo.
Now onto the Olympics:
I get pride for your country. I get that it’s sort of cool that London hosting it means they can actually have all the events sort of spread out to all the different Great Britain provinces, which makes for cool camera pans when they fly across the map to “check in” over in Scotland or whatever.
I even laughed at that whole meme that was spreading around with the picture of the Queen and the caption “May the Hunger Games Begin.”
But why the shit is it that all the people who could care less about any sport any other day of the year are all of a sudden glued to the TV, Tweeting all kinds of updates, and screaming like Jesus Christ himself just flew on down and scored a goal? My Trailer Trash Mom is one of the worst offenders of this – every time the Olympics come on the TV she is inseparable from it. And then she does this annoying thing where she sits on the edge of her seat like she’s going to pee in her Dress Barn pantaloons, screaming and shouting and acting like her entire life depends on the US of A scoring a goal. It’s stupid if you ask me. Display your patriotism by voting or volunteering or see above for reasons why you should actually cheer on other countries.
The other thing that drives me totally bonkers about Olympics time is the “If blaa blaa blaa were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal.” I saw a few earlier today that were kind of funny on my blog’s Facebook page. But then I switched over to mine and almost all the people on there had posted some stupid eCard about what they would win a gold at if it were an Olympic sport. The majority just alluded to a raging alcoholism.
If I were to make one of those up, they would be pretty ridiculous:
If wiping children’s asses were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal.
If tolerating hillbilly bullshit were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal.
If spying on my neighbors were an Olympic sport, I would win the gold medal.
If drinking copious amounts of wine to drown out the pitiable state of my life were an Olympic sport, I would win a fucking gold medal and be exalted on the top of Mount Olympus next to the statue of Zeus.
All pretty stupid, right? Well to the majority (note: I did not say all) of the people that have been telling some variation of this joke:
So there you have it: what do Kristen Stewart and the Olympics have in common? This lady doesn’t give a fuck.
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