As I sit here, going on hour ten (or something) of being relatively glued to The Weather Channel, I realized I should consider making a few additions to my “People I Would Have An Affair With” list. It isn’t because I’m bored, it’s that weather events get me all excited and crazy.
For those of you relatively new(ish) to the blog, my list published last year was possibly the most bizarre list of pseudo-crushes I have had for years. Each crush was for a different reason – most of which (most, not all) had nothing to do with sex appeal. It included: any dead philosopher circa 1700 – 2000, as well as Plato and Aristotle; any dead writer from the Lost Generation; King Arthur as played by Sean Connery in First Knight; Wolf Blitzer; anyone high up in the Russian government; Dog the Bounty Hunter; Chris O’Dowd; Lars Von Trier; and last but certainly not least, Ross Perot. Of course I had a different, and somewhat insane, reason for each of those.
So sitting here now, with my husband annoyed because I won’t let the television be turned off of the Isaac coverage, getting excited and crazy, and beginning to swoon over Jim Cantore in those Hurricane Glasses of his, I make additions to my list:
#1 Jim Cantore
Not Jim Cantore in the weather center station. Not Jim Cantore in a suit. Not Jim Cantore during nice weather. Only Jim Cantore in hurricane gear, with his Hurricane Glasses, in the middle of a storm, being pummeled by rain.
No way around it – that hurricane shit is hot.
#2 Joey G from Cheaters
I’m trying to embrace irony. This seems to be what LA is all about these days – the hipsters and the yuppies and the yupsters have really taken over this place. It’s almost hard to communicate with people if you aren’t being ironic.
So I think an affair with Joey G from Cheaters would bring a nice slice of irony to my life.
#3 Kyle Korver from the Chicago Bulls
Okay, being a corn-fed Midwest girl, I am of course a Bulls fan. I have a Bulls sticker on the back of my car. Ultimately I would have an affair with just about any member of the Chicago Bulls – the players, the coaches, the administrative staff, the interns… Who I’d really like to have an affair with from the Chicago Bulls (although he was recently traded), though, is Kyle Korver. You know why?
Because he looks like a mother fucking vampire.
#4 Any Hillbilly With a Mullet
How debased that is, I know. I’ve always wondered, though, what it would be like to be in some sort of an intimate relationship with someone rocking a mean Kentucky Waterfall.
A plus if said hillbilly wears overalls with nothing underneath.
#5 Wolf Blitzer
Now I know what you are all saying: but you already had Wolf Blitzer in your last “People I Would Have An Affair With” post! Yes, I did. I just thought it was worth reiterating because I really have the hots for Wolf.
I also used to have the hots for Anderson Cooper, which was all the more heartbreaking for me when I found out he was gay.
Wolf, if you are reading this: please don’t break my heart. A girl has to dream.
#6 Hulk Hogan
It’s the ‘stache. And the voice. And possibly the 1980s, neon stretchy pants. I imagine a time when Hulk and I trade stretchy pants – he wears my leopard printed ones; I wear his super hot neon ones. We prance around the house and then he pile drives me something real good.
So I think being pile driven by Hulk Hogan is a good place to stop for now. I think that’s a nice image to leave you faithful blog followers with. My People I Would Have An Affair With list is growing nicely, though. Sure my people and reasons may seem psychotic, and my mother-in-law may be printing this and calling my husband to try and convince him to divorce me, but in the end I think every girl has to have a list of fun times she’d love to have, even if in a million years she’d never have them.
I’m back to my Cantore on The Weather Channel. Hopefully Isaac picks up quickly so he leaves those glasses on all night.