STFU Fridays: Food Nazis


Do you have a Food Nazi in your life? You know those people. I have quite a few.

They have to qualify everything with “fat-free” “non-fat” “organic” “with a hint of” blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up. After a while you start qualifying your food like that too just from being around these arrogant and pompous assholes. The other day I made these miniature pumpkin pie things with my kick ass fat-free pumpkin pie recipe. I posted a photo to Instragram with a long description of all the healthful and unique qualities these stupid little fuckers had. Afterwards, I hated myself more than the morning after that one night in Cabo I just can’t – for the life of me – remember…

Some of them have the stupidest food beliefs, and they shove them down your throat every time they have an opportunity. You faithful blog followers that have been around a while remember that time Hello Kitty Toaster (my sister in law) got into an argument with me over her belief that vegetables are bad for you. It started because I “checked in” on Facebook at Subway and she replied “sandwiches = fat fat and more fat ass!” Really bitch?

Well it’s time for these people to get smacked in the face with Shut the Fuck Up Fridays. And my friend Shut the Fuck Up Burger came to help.

“I’m a …arian”

Vegetarians. Vegans. Pescatarians. Meat-lovers. Whenever people identify themselves as a particular “…arian” (in my experience) they are usually pretty arrogant in their attitude towards food. One of the biggest criticisms of vegetarians and vegans in particular is that they are constantly taking an air of superiority when in the presence of a certain meat they don’t eat.

I don’t mean you shouldn’t identify yourself. I just mean don’t be a dick about it. I don’t care what you are. Just don’t try and make me it.

But it goes beyond that – I’ve had so many experiences with these people trying to shove their food agenda down my throat. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to family parties and been forced to eat a side of peas only, simply because everything else contained red meat, and the family member made it a point of informing me that they had no respect for the fact that red meat makes me sick to my stomach. Once they told me I should just suffer through it. Another person in recent memory is one of my husband’s friends, who is basically one of those vegetarians that also doesn’t believe in wasting food. So he dumpster dives. If you want to pick food out of raw garbage and eat it, that’s your choice; but you go too far when you pull bread out of a trash can and try to bully me into eating it.

Shut the Fuck Up Burger wants to say something to you “I’m a …arian”s:

Food Conspiracists

These people really roast my ass. What got me started on this little Food Nazi bit this morning was an article I read about how unhealthy fat-free milk is. I drink about three glasses of fat-free milk a day, which is the recommended amount for prevention of osteoporosis (runs in my family), so I obviously clicked to read it when a friend posted it on Facebook. I was then confronted with a stream of bullshit, misinformation, and blatantly false claims. The author actually had the balls to suggest – in more than one place of the article – that saturated fats and cholesterol do not contribute to heart disease. Fucking absurd.

If you don’t want to eat genetically modified foods, fine. Don’t tell third-world children that they have to go without their genetically modified rice though, because if they do they will probably die of rickets. If you believe that all-fats are better than no fats, great. Don’t tell people that may have a different health situation that they’re going to perish prematurely, for reasons you cannot even justify with science. If you want to live a no-fats lifestyle, good for you! But shut your big fucking, whorish mouth when others choose to go with something that may turn into “fat, fat, and more fat ass.” If you want to go all-organic and local, cool. Don’t tell people that haven’t the money for healthier, local and organic options though that they’re wrong or going to die of some pesticide-related illness for just buying what they can to survive. Instead of forcing your uneducated beliefs on others, why not promote better education and independent research, since that is where the real problem lies?

For myself, I believe in eating a moderation of anything. I don’t believe in subscribing to sensationalized conspiracy theories that have absolutely no basis in science or fact. Sometimes I buy organic. Other times I buy processed (Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, duh!). I always buy organic meats. I will never stop buying (genetically modified) on the vine tomatoes, because they’re the fucking best.

Shut the Fuck Up Burger wants to join me in saying something to these cracked out, uneducated Food Conspiracists:

People That Get Sexual With Their Food

I love kale. That said, kale shakes taste like barf to me. Kale chips taste like I’m licking grass outside the innards of my husband’s rotting asshole. Same goes for a host of other things: brussel sprouts, wheat grass, onions, asiago cheese, etc.

Something that annoys me to no end is when people go on and on about how much they love [insert random food that tastes like puke on a platter to me]. If you really love it, fine. But stop spitting in the face of the rest of the universe that may think it tastes like a pile of puke. Everyone has different tastes; and what is with our obsession with talking about our food now, anyway? Is this what our lives really center around? The other day, one of my friends posted a Facebook status “if asiago cheese were a person, I’d marry it and have a bunch of cheese babies.” That’s funny, because the last time I tried asiago cheese I actually vomited from the taste, which your fucking Facebook status just reminded me of.

My favorite foods come in a variety. I love carrots, bananas, and dried peas. I eat edamame like a pig, licking the salt off my fingers and groaning and shit. I would die if I couldn’t eat asparagus at least twice a week. Ham sandwiches hit the spot, and (of course) my favorite dinner is either soba or a taco with rice and salsa (goddamn, do I love the salsa). I also like pretzels and string cheese, and have absolutely no self control when it comes to onion dip. But you don’t see me posting on Facebook and Twitter, or talking on the phone and shit, about how much I wish my food choices were a person so I could dry hump them to next Tuesday.

I get it. We have reached an age when we are having sensuous love affairs with our food. Tons of people get all horny over their food, and their appropriately seasoned dishes – I see it all the time.

To them: please stop. It makes me want to puke sometimes and never eat another thing again. Shut the Fuck Up Burger has just enough strength to muster up one more thing to say … and he wants to finish this edition of Shut the Fuck Up Fridays with something for you guys:

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29 Comments on “STFU Fridays: Food Nazis

  1. haha , I think I might have gotten crazy on the wrong blog:) oh well, hope you enjoyed anyway, forgive me..

    cheers,
    ~jH

  2. basically , I just don’t trust people who don’t eat meat! Seriously, I don’t give a damn if you eat meat or not, just don’t give me a fucken hard time about it… It’s no different than religion, I mean I’m not religious, but if you are, more power to you, but don’t try to shove it down my throat… Am I begging you to eat meat, NO!!! Eat it if you want, don’t if you don’t… Yes I eat “free range, humanely raised, grass fed beef” as much as possible, but who the fuck really knows if it’s true what I’m eating, I’m not there to watch them fucken slaughter the cow, I hope it’s true, but you better believe I’m eating a “NON humane raised beef steak over a “probably heavily GMO soy” steak any fucking day of the week. I eat veggies, I probably fart more methane (which is worse for the environment than CO2) than I drive (probably 14 miles round trip), so if you live in suburbia (drive an hour each way) and live on vegan cuisine, your carbon “footprint” is probably worse than mine!!! Lastly, if you’re one of those “yeah but”, “I drive and electric car” fucks, where the hell do you think the energy to charge the battery comes from??? unless you are ultra, super, fantastically, stupid as fuck(or actually one in ten million who live off the grid and charge your electric vehicle with solar cells), you’re contributing to the “carbon problem” as well, where the fuck do you think that energy to charge your battery comes from? I never comment to these things, and actually wonder if this will ever show up on the comments, but it was fun writing… thank you , with all respect, I hope you think about your life a little… cheers

    ~jH

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  5. i have an idiot friend who insists some pretty stupid shit about food. she says that 20 grams of sugar in a snickers bar are exactly the same as 20 grams of sugar in a class of cranberry juice. she says, “sugar is sugar, there is no difference.” i hate her, but i have to tolerate her because she’s a great friend of a great friend. ugh.

    • your friend is not such an “idiot”… a “disaccharide” is fructose and sucrose, the cranberry juice might actually be worse in “overall terms”, but we don’t know all the additives and preservatives in the Snickers bar. gram for gram the sugar in the cranberry juice might even ben worse. Give your friend a break, maybe?

      • if you had a conversation with her and were subject to her belligerence, you’d see there’s no reason to give her a break.

  6. I am so guilty of posting my “sexy” food pics on the interwebs. I agree if we, as a society, have an unhealthy obsession with our food. We either love it too much or it is our enemy, there is no in between. I keep seeing friends posting links to articles about Monsanto and GMOs and I just keep ignoring them, because at this point if I followed everyone’s advice there would be nothing safe for me to eat. Eat what you like, I will eat what I like and I apologize in advance for posting what I consider drool worthy that others may just fine gross. We all have our opinions and I am not about to force mine on others on purpose, but I’ll probably do it on accident a few times. 😀 Love ya B(itch)! You are the best!

  7. I’m probably guilty of some of the things you mention. I do have love affairs with food and post it on Facebook sometimes. Unless the meal is really special- I rarely take picture of it to post. What gets me, is I’m not a dick about the fact that I don’t eat meat or dairy (I’m not really a vegan) but for simplification sake, I will call myself that, but once people find out I don’t eat meat or dairy, they freak out and ask me how I’m getting enough protein or calcium! They didn’t care how my nutrition was when I didn’t say what I wasn’t eating. I don’t eat meat, but I don’t care if other people do. So don’t be a dick to me about your blessed meat. That bugs me too. People who practically worship their meat. okay, I’m good. I’ll shut the fuck up now! 😉

    • I’m even guilty of posting photos of food, although they are usually ones I want to use in a blog or that I have prepared and are really proud of having made. Meat eaters shoving their meat eating agenda down my throat pisses me off. I can’t eat red meat. Period. It makes me sick. People trying to force me into eating it anyway just is so rude!

  8. I never met someone that thought vegetables were bad for you. I’m still kind of stunned like what can I say to that??? I get sick of all the food nonsense too. if you listened to everyone there wouldn’t be anything left to eat. We’d all just starve to death and role around on the floor crying for gluten and kale chips, and pink slime or something,

  9. Sonofabitch yo, you’re stealin’ all my future blog material! Just playin’ (: I love the typical “so, I’m a vegan…” speech. All I can ever think to myself is “I didn’t ask and I don’t care?” To all the vegans out there I ask the following: if we’re not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

  10. LMAO at the pictures of food! I’ve done pictures of new things I’ve made that I’m particularly proud of how it turned out. But yes, otherwise it seems a bit senseless. I like all sorts of food, but I do agree that I really REALLY despise those people that shove the incessant labels and “I just LOVE …..” down my throat like bad castor oil. Pisses me right off! I will admit to making a meal and just figuring that whoever shows up for said meal should eat it and shut up. HOWEVER, that being said, I am considerate enough to prepare ahead of time for allergies, medical conditions (i.e. diabetes or gluten issues), or knowing that the one guy’s wife just simply refuses to eat onions (like they’re made of shards of glass or something, I’ve never figured out her aversion). I do work hard to try and eat healthy, decent food, but sometimes, like you said, we just can’t afford the organic or local stuff, and Kraft Mac and Cheese just hits the spot. 😀

    • I think it’s the pics of the same thing over and over just something you are having for lunch that’s not really anything special. Or if it illustrates your point that’s fine but at some point…

      And I am totally considerate too! I don’t at all want people to feel like I’m shoving my agenda down their throats!

  11. YES! I have one friend in particulay I would liek to send a HUGE STFU shout out to! She is so freaking obsessed with food it does my head in (and the servers) to have l lunch with her. STFU! And the ‘Hello Kitty Toaster,’ I have one of those, I would also like to give a big HUGE STFU shout out to her. Just for being her. While the Subway FB thing is shocking I think my SIL could come close… NO that bitch has! Thanks for this. I feel happy now.

  12. Just because YOU wanna puke when you eat Kale, or Asiago cheese doesn’t mean other ppl can never talk about it… I mean, like, for real *insert valley girl accent*

      • I take pictures of food sometimes if I think I will use it in a blog post later, if I’m illustrating a point, or if it looks absurd or something. I use Instagram for that though, which is kind of the status quo there. Otherwise it’s stupid.

      • As writers, if we plan to use it in a post that makes sense. Or if I create a dish I am proud of, but if I buy a sub at subway, i guess I don’t feel I’m just so important and interesting that everyone will NEED to see that sub! LOL

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