Conversations With Nick, Episode 3: Anyone In There?


It’s been a while since we’ve had an episode of Conversations With Nick, although it’s also been a while since my husband (Poor Nick) talked about putting his penis through a donut hole; or since I had a dream that he was having an affair with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut out to look like Cher.

So pretty much all the time, my husband’s job goes through either really really busy periods or really really dead periods. There is no in-between it seems. He manages a small company in Los Angeles that does post production work. Typically I tell people they did Delivery Me for Discovery Health and still do the Behind the Musics for VH1 and everyone gets it. During these periods (remember, all the time), there is nonstop complaining – every day in the afternoon I get a phone call and Nick sighs repeatedly during it until I ask “what’s wrong?” and he either bitches about how slow it is or whines about how much running around he’s had to do.

The other thing that happens during the really really busy periods is Nick is completely in another world. Remember, he’s a misogynist so it makes things a little annoying, to say the least. In the last few weeks alone, he has just altogether stopped paying any attention to me when I talk. I can take being treated like a slave. I can take never being treated like a woman. I can’t take that ignoring me shit, though. I told him my CD player will break if he turns the radio on in my car (there is some short in the switches) and he turned it to AM anyway when he went to pick up Thai the other night. I asked him to take the box of unused Halloween decorations out to my car so I could take them back to my dad and he just walked away, ignoring me. The list goes on, and I won’t bore you all with it; but the coup de grâce of it all was last night. I was in the middle of my fucking sentence and my dill hole husband stood up and walked away to call work.

I don’t think so, asshat.

So today I sent him a barrage of emails. I figured he can’t ignore those, right?

Conversations With Nick:

Balls – Anyone In There?

I started with an eCard. I don’t often make eCards; although, am realizing that I should get more into this. It’s fun and a socially acceptable place to let out the thoughts that run through my whacked-out mind on the regular.

I thought I’d start with it to soften the blows that would follow.

How terribly, terribly true that statement is.

Conversations With Nick:

Anniversary – Anyone In There?

The next email was about celebrating our anniversary.

My husband and I have many anniversaries. There is the one of when we met. The one of when we got engaged. The wedding anniversary. And the anniversary of our Catholic co-validation (basically a second wedding). We only celebrate them all once, and it’s around this general time of year.

It would have been nice, though, if Poor Nick weren’t too busy with work to remember just to wish me a “happy anniversary” on each of those days. The anniversary of our Catholic co-validation was last week and the day came and went without a mention. To make matters worse, we went to a family party that weekend and they were celebrating two birthdays and two anniversaries (one wedding, one college graduation); but not a one acknowledged the anniversary of the thing we did (and money we spent) because those very people wanted it.

So I decided I want to celebrate our anniversary this weekend, and the next email I sent him was about just that. I want to dress up. I want to be told I’m pretty. I want my present. I want my dinner. I want to drink my bottles of anniversary wine.

That’s all I want, though.

Conversations With Nick:

Brain – Anyone In There?

The real kicker for the barrage of emails I sent this morning to get my husband’s attention was in my new rule: no technology hour. People have suggested this before, and a friend commented about it just this morning again. I see no good reason at all why we can’t shut everything off for one hour every night.

Some of you may think I was a little harsh. Well, I’m sure your husband doesn’t regularly get up and walk away when you are in the middle of your sentence as often as mine does. And anyway, I’m sure my email was ignored.

The real point is that I feel like I have to knock on my husband and ask “is anybody in there?” sometimes.

One of the wisest things ever said to me was by my manager at Wendy’s, where I worked as a drive-thru bitch in high school. He told me that every day when he got home from work, he’d change his clothes in the laundry room, just inside the side door. He said that for one, he didn’t want the house smelling like french fries and grease fat. But more importantly, it was his physical reminder that he needed to leave work at work, and enjoy the evenings with his wife and kids. Life is not worth living if 100% of it is focused on places other than where you are.

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22 Comments on “Conversations With Nick, Episode 3: Anyone In There?

  1. My fiance lives TEN THOUSAND miles away from me and he still does this shit when I’m trying to talk to him on Skype. I just feel like, “oh, I’m not staying up in the middle of the night to talk to your dumb ass or anything. The difference is totally not at all inconvenient. PLEASE, ignore me to read some stupid fucking email or new article. Awesome.” Love your blog.

  2. Love the technology hour! I thought about doing it to for the kids until I just realized I would be included. Ugh. I’ll have to think about that a little more. Hope your hubby listened….

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  4. Well said! I’ve finally got my husband, only in this last year, to understand he is not to be interrupting meals for his phone, the house phone, or anything else. And he’s not allowed to go to the TV and leave me and my son at the table when we eat because some ancient Star Trek special is on or something. I also really despise being out to eat somewhere, and you see that person with their friends/family at another table, having their meal, and that person is on their phone the entire time. What’s the point of being there if all you’re going to do is ignore the people right in front of you?

  5. I feel like singing “And the Agamemnons in the cradle and I am watching silver spoons, Hello Kitty Toaster and the man across the way that moons, when you comin home Nick, I don’t know when, but we’ll drink together then B(itch). We’ll drink together then.” 😀

  6. fyi – you’re brilliant and still the best blog of all the blogs i read. for whatever that’s worth.

  7. I love that last line about life not being worth living if it is not focused on where you are. That was some guru/yogi type shit. Might have to be borrow that….

  8. You are so right… I think your rule of no cell phone or electronics for that matter should apply to others, not only to husbands… Fuck do I hate it when a friend calls you to go for a drink and you actually go and throughout the whole night he/she is on the phone chatting, texting or emailing with others. Why the fuck do they as me to go if they are busy with others? Arghhh!

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