Heather Christena Schmidt

Somewhere between my pants ripping open in front of thousands of people at a children’s event this afternoon, and a horse almost hitting our car on the way home, this day got a little weird. I wasn’t at all surprised, though, when we finally got home after the longest day in history, to see that the moon was – in fact – full.

Am I making any sense? I hope not. Now you feel how I did all day. Let me go in chronological order:

2:00 pm – Heading to Phineas and Ferb LIVE at the local Civic Arts Plaza:

I got a Groupon for cheap tickets to this Disney LIVE show. We have been to Sesame Street LIVE a bazillion times; plus the Yo Gabba Gabba Concert and some Nickelodeon Dora thing. Phineas and Ferb was a new experience, and the Groupon was really cheap so I figured – why not?

Every time we go to these things I think that to myself. Why not? It can’t be that bad, right? Wrong. Kids. Kids everywhere. Screaming. Annoying parents dancing in their seats to try and entertain their kids, as if their kids aren’t entertained enough by the nonsense onstage. More kids. More screaming.

Today was no different. It’s also always a money suck. You of course feel like you have to buy souvenirs, so this time was an $18 Agent P purse and a tambourine. I didn’t even really know who Agent P was at the time of sale.

3:00 pm – Walking into Phineas and Ferb LIVE at the local Civic Arts Plaza with about 2,000 other people:

So we were walking in and super early. I mean like an hour to hour and half early. People were going to their seats and then this crazy, volunteer seat usher started yelling at people to stop going to their seats because it was too early. We decided to mill around for awhile.

That’s when we bought Agent P in purse form and the tambourine, which much to my happiness lit up. We got a pretzel and lemonade too and milled some more.

4:00 pm Ripping a humongous hole in the back of my pants in front of about 2,000 other people at Phineas and Ferb LIVE: at the local Civic Arts Plaza

Finally around 4 o’clock, the crazy, volunteer seat usher allowed everyone to go to their seats. You can imagine in a large Civic Arts Plaza, this meant that close to 2,000 people then flocked en masse to the doors to get in.

Then it happened. I was just walking, wearing a pair of old jeans that I only recently had noticed were really starting to wear. And in slow motion I started to feel them rip in the back – not bent over, not even tight – and they kept ripping. Pookie announced loudly “um, momma – your pants have a huge hole in the back of them and it’s getting bigger!!”

4:15 pm Waiting for Phineas and Ferb LIVE at the local Civic Arts Plaza to start:

We were sitting there. I with my sweater now tied around my waste. Kids. Kids screaming. A bunch of nonsense going on. We were just waiting for the show to start, and I was trying to mentally piece back together my dignity.

Then I crossed my legs and this kid sitting in the front of us started randomly reaching back and stroking my foot. He did it three of four times. He didn’t turn around to see what he was stroking. I was a little too weirded out to say anything. The seating was tight, so I had nowhere else to put my feet. It just really was so bizarre I didn’t know what to think. Kids. Kids screaming. Parents dancing in their seats. More kids. And this yokel stroking my foot every couple minutes.

Fortunately when the show started he stopped.

6:30 pm Heading Home from Phineas and Ferb LIVE at the local Civic Arts Plaza:

We were on our way home. The plan was to stop there and pick up a new pair of jeans and then go get some dinner.

There was tons of traffic so we took the back roads. They are just two-laned highways surrounded by fields. Everyone knows about these backroad shortcuts, so there were a lot of cars around.

Then, as we got close to home, a guy on a huge, white horse suddenly came riding out into the road. The horse came about a foot away from running into my car. I slammed on the brakes, as did all the cars behind me. Someone honked. The guy on the horse started screaming and swearing at everyone before he rode off.

This – by far – was the craziest day in a long time. I’m not sure which part was more upsetting. Getting yelled at by some crazy volunteer? My pants ripping to shreds, leaving the moon in my pants to hang out for the rest of the day? The kid rubbing my foot? Or the horse almost ramming into my car?

Or was any of it upsetting? Seems pretty status quo for crazy stuff like this to happen at this point.