My Conversation With Non-Hottie Maintenance Man

Big sigh full of bullshit, faithful blog followers. Big sigh of bullshit.

So a few days ago we received a note on our front door. It read that the apartment complex is happy to announce they are participating in some energy efficiency program, and were therefore planning to come and install new lighting fixtures in all the units. I’m sure for all the go-green-love-the-Earth-hippies out there, you are patting your self-gratifying-selves on the backs right now in honor of another win for reducing humanity’s carbon footprint. Hip-hip-motherfucking-hooray for you guys.

Okay that was a little mean and I really and truly have no problem with being environmentally friendly. I just resent how much it costs to do right by the world. Obviously, my only response to this note from the apartment complex management was not a jump for joy in honor of saving the world, but rather the simple question: how much is this going to cost me?

I’m a little done with unforeseen costs from this place. Between raising our rents, which I am still not comfortable agreeing to (despite how many times my husband says he’s tired of moving), and our ever-rising utility bills, I was already annoyed. Then my shit started getting stolen off the front porch. So I called the management, and they in fact said that the electric bill would probably go up a little from this new lighting fixture, but these lights are saving the planet.

Doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me, either.

So the guy came over this morning to install the new fixture. Let me lay out the scenario.

It was morning(ish). I was tired. I have PMS. I still have a cold. And my allergies are totally off the hook too. I was also super depressed this morning, and by super depressed I don’t just mean “down” I mean I had a problem getting out of bed (but that’s another story and I’m not getting into that because this is a funny blog).

So when I got out of the shower, I was kind of lagging and I put on my robe because I knew this guy was coming over to put in the new light fixture between the hours of 9:00 am and 5:00 pm. I knew it was not going to be Hottie Maintenance Man because the note said they were independent contractors coming to do this work. So I didn’t much give a shit how I looked.

I have three different robes. One is pink and short, and my lady parts can be seen if I bend over too far.If Hottie Maintenance Man were coming over, I’d wear that one. One is red and I’ve had it forever, so long I don’t even remember when or where I got it. It’s also from my smaller-chested days, so sometimes the girls will arbitrarily flop out of them for no apparent reason. Then there is my purple one that fits properly and goes all the way to my feet. A full body robe.

This is the one I chose to wear while I finished getting ready and waited for the guy to come.

While putting on my makeup, the doorbell rang and after only a few seconds of not having answered it, the guy started fucking pounding on the door with his fist. I can’t stand it when people do this; as if I’m supposed to just be standing behind the door all day waiting for you to grace me with your presence.

I answered the door and he was a gargoyle.

I don’t mean to be a dick. I mean, it’s National No-Bullying Month and I do not, under any circumstance, want to judge others for the way that they look.

But allow me to anyway, simply because he offended me. This guy clearly hadn’t even showered today, which was evident by how badly he smelled and the green in his teeth. Standing at my door was this dude, his belly hanging out of the bottom of his stained polo shirt that was just about as green as his teeth. He was standing there with a ladder and a shitty look on his face.

He looked me up and down – up and down – as he breathed heavily through his rotten teeth and hairy nose.

Then he said it.

“Ma’am I’m here to install your new lighting fixture. Do you think you could cover up and compose yourself before I come in?”

Are you fucking kidding me, dillhole?

No … seriously. Who says something like that? Cover up? I was more covered than I would have been had I been wearing clothes. And compose myself? I’m sorry. I am not screaming and crying. My hair looks fine. And I’m almost completely made up. COMPOSE MYSELF MOTHERFUCKER?!

That’s not what I said, though. No … this special breed of dillhole, douchesausage gargoyle needs a special response. Fortunately, my whit was sharp as a tack today, so I knew exactly how such a prude would easily be offended.

And I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty sure he was. He didn’t say much more to me the rest of the time, except that it would in fact be raising our electric bill.

What did I say faithful blog followers when this special gentleman asked me to “cover up and compose” myself?

“Hah! Sorry, I thought you were the regular building maintenance man, here for my weekly schticking. If you see him on your way out, let him know I’m ready for some of his Italian stallion.” 

And then I walked back to finish putting on my make up while he installed the new lighting.


  1. rich

    can i see the pink robe?

  2. jimcolv

    No-Bullying month? What type of passive-aggressive shit is this? Granted, I feel like some of this shit is getting out of hand but how useful are all of these awareness months? Motherfuckers are still gonna do what they do…

    Anywhooo, that’s some funny shit. Maybe you should of opened the door flashing your lady parts. Or… Next time answer the door wearing a strap-on and a ball gag, that’ll get a rise every time….

  3. AsheX

    Just love the way you use abuses in your blog…make them hilarious and fun to read 😀

  4. cheryl

    Reread your blog-how could green lighting cost more? Like that you stood up for yourself.

  5. cheryl

    Love you gave him a clever funny response. But you have to pay for the new lighting? Thats ridiculous

  6. Urban Mommy

    “weekly schticking”. I LOVE it.

  7. Words for Worms

    That is fantastic!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahaha, well thanks!

  8. alienredqueen

    I’d have asked him to brush his teeth before coming in

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahaha, I should have!

  9. Kim

    I doubtful he knew the actual meanings of those 2 words… They were probably his new “letter c” vocabulary words for the week… Well played!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt


  10. Tracy @ Momaical

    Seriously. What a twatwaffle. What man says that, anyway? Fabulous comeback btw. It’s always the best when you have one – instead of thinking of a zinger a few minutes too late!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      I totally know what you mean … I always think of the zingers a moment too late.


    Awesome! I don’t know what I would have said if I were you, but it certainly wouldn’t have been as clever and appropriate as that. What an asshat. You should have asked him if he had a spare Burqa in his truck. I have a full body robe and let me tell you it is as close to wearing a snuggy as you can get, without all the shame. 😀

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Probably the first and last clever thing to ever come out of my mouth, actually hahaha


        Oh please! You probably have tons of zingers you have been practicing for months now. 😉 HAhahaha!

  12. Connie

    Good job! 😀

  13. Stef Daniel

    Oh I love this my dear. My husband is a UPS man, and he tends to be attractive to women who dont wash the shit stains out of his underwear. And he has women literally, show up half ass naked at the door all the time. One women on his route, a portly, old wrinklebag who probably hasnt been laid in 10 years puts on tons of makeup and shows up in lingerie when she is expecting a package. Too funny! Love that life is funny. Love that you see it that way, and share it!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That’s just fucking fantastic hahah!!

  14. Lorraine Gouland

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well done!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thank you!!

  15. Kanerva

    Oh yes!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahaha, thanks!

  16. Lillian Carilo (@lcarilo)

    I want to high-five you… *or is that no longer a thing. Good stuff, baby!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt


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