Buy My Memoir, Or Else I’ll…

… hunt you down and show you a picture of a cow giving birth to a pig.

Okay, I guess I’ve already done that now. Gross, huh?

… cry all day long until my screaming tears of pain and mental anguish are so loud the neighbors have me hauled off in an ambulance and a straight jacket for one of my routine stays in the local mental health facility.

Alright, that was how I spent my weekend.

So seriously, you people should consider buying my book. Here are all the reasons why:

#1: It’s a steal. You can get it either in paperback or Kindle edition; for $6.99 or $2.99 respectively. That’s less money than you’ll spend this week on hookers and blow.

#2: It’s concise and funny. It’s pretty short (125 pages), so a quick read. I like my books short. I think verbosity is a sin. Anyway, so a lot of my life has been a real shithole with absolutely nothing humorous about it. I left all that out, or rather I glossed over it with some fancy PowerPoint action. Maybe one day I’ll write a second memoir and include a supply of Prozac long enough to get through it. Until then, we’ll all laugh heartily through this one.

#3: I used the terms “whack off” and “jerk off” so many times I lost count. What is so tragic about this is it comes from the story I recount of when my mom gave me “The Talk.” I swear a lot in the book too, but it’s in a fun way.

#4: As if you didn’t already understand why I call my mom my “Trailer Trash Mom,” you will now learn exactly how she got the title.

#5: That voodoo doll I made for the book trailer and book cover may have real powers, and I could stick pins in it to punish you all.

(Okay, so I wrote “World” on it and then threw it in the trash, so we may all very well be screwed at this point.)

#6: I already added it to Goodreads so you can show up all your yuppy Goodreads friends with a quick and fun read to combat their 50 Shades of Shut the F Up, or whatever the hell that women’s porn book is called.

#7: Oh, did you actually want to know what the book is about? Well, I’ll let you be the judge, but it’s my memoir about surviving childhood by becoming a cynic, and navigating motherhood by embracing misanthropy. I think it’s sort of inspiring at the end because I talk about overcoming my mother. Inspiration is always a reason to buy something.

#8: I made this fancy book trailer for it.

#9: The last thing you want me to do is find that my sales from online and in-person promotion are so low that I resort to street-sales. Who knows what could happen when I wonder the dark alleys of suburbia trying to peddle my wares.

#10: It’s really easy to find. Just click the book cover here and buy it! And you can “like” it on Amazon, or even write a nice review too.

For the paperback version:

For the Kindle version:

(For some reason the two aren’t linked yet)

Seriously, though – you faithful blog followers rock my socks off. Whether you buy my book or not, I dig you all. But please buy my memoir anyway, or else I’ll …


  1. Share The Love Sunday: Almost Cancelled | It's A Dome LifeIt's A Dome Life

    […] Heather Christena Schmidt from B(itch) Log wrote her memoir, got it published and it is now for sale on Amazon. Go visit her website to learn about buying your own copy! […]


    Bought and delivered to my Kindle! I am so excited to read this… just trying to figure out when I will get the time. I hope tomorrow gives me the opportunity.

  3. Adam S

    Ok, that was the first time that I spit water through my nose, kinda. That was the best god damn intro line ever. Where’d you find that pic?? I’m diggin’ the new page by the way —

  4. mango1531

    Congrats! I can’t wait to read it.. Mainly cause I’m so nosey.

  5. rich

    #9 – let me know which alley. i’ll be the guy in the transparent raincoat.

  6. Runner Dad

    A book of your craziness? Definitely worth the read. I’ll make my library buy it so EVERYONE can enjoy! By the way, how’d you get to writing a book?

  7. Connie

    LOL Nice trailer! Seriously though, now I HAVE to buy the book, just to see what all the pictures and voodoo thing are about……and especially to learn about this Trailer Trash Mom of which you speak so *cough cough* fondly.

  8. bohanbloggie

    Can’t wait to read it! You say all the things I can’t bring myself to say to anyone. Keep bitching! (:

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