Heather Christena Schmidt

I wrote a post quite a few years ago about reasons I’d want to be abducted by aliens, but then deleted it after some creepy Internet trolls commented that they were whacking off to the thought of me getting anally probed by an alien life form.

Well, now I say: whack away. I’m pretty sure I saw a UFO last night, and I need to talk about it.

So I was driving last night. It was pretty late and we were on a stretch of road that runs between two farm fields, heading East. There isn’t that much land in California that is undeveloped, but when you hit it, there’s always an eerie feeling. A couple of times I’ve seen people walking in the pitch black. Once there was a truck driving through the fields.

Now I have driven through this stretch of road probably a million times. I know all the ins and outs of it. I know where the broken stretch of farm fence is. I know where the cell phone tower lights hang.

I do not, however, recall ever seeing – in all the years I have been here – two lights from a round disc, hanging in the sky over the mountains.

I thought that must be an airplane; but then the lights never moved. I thought it’ll disappear in a second; but then I drove around for an hour and it continued to hover. I thought I must be the only one noticing this, but then Pookie saw them too and freaked out, and some people at a stop light were looking in the sky, videotaping it with their cell phones.

So I’m pretty sure it was a UFO. There was apparently a sighting a few nights ago around the same area as well. And when I Googled it, I found this video from a couple years ago in the same, exact spot over the mountains.

Now I could freak out. I could think that the aliens are finally coming to destroy the human race so that they can have our resources (what remains of them). I could break out my tin foil hat. I could start researching conspiracy theories and reading books about alien cover-ups.

I could also consider this my last stop to Crazytown, USA, and start getting fitted for my straight jacket. It’s most likely this last one.

Instead (for now), I will leave it with my words. Those words?

Probe me, alien life form … probe me.

Article 1: I am married, which means that if an alien life form probes me, I’ll actually get some action for once.

Article 2: I wouldn’t mind being selected for an alien insemination program. Marge Simpson did it. The chick from Earth Girls Are Easy did it. Babies act like aliens 90% of the time anyway – why not?

Article 3: I’ve always wanted to go into outer space, but don’t trust the faulty intelligence of humans to do one of those future “fly into space” things we’ve all been promised to see in our lifetimes. Anything that has mastered intergalactic travel, though, is alright by me.

Article 4: I find scientific experimentation sexy.

Article 5: Did I mention I’m married? It’s worth reiterating.

When I was little, my father thought he saw something like a UFO. He became obsessed with it for a while – he even bought one of those UFO tops that spun on the table with the lights. He never mentioned a wish to be probed by them, though, so I would say I’m just furthering the family obsession with extraterrestrial life forms.

Taking it much, much further.

Okay, now that I’m done with that, I’m going to legitimately go fit myself for a straight jacket and try to figure out whether or not that really was an alien. If aliens do exist, why would they visit Earth? And why visit Earth so frequently? I mean, it’s pretty obvious we’ve fucked this place up beyond repair at this point. It seems as though if anyone should be doing the space travel and the searching for resources, it should be us. That leads me to believe they really want the probing.

But that’s all too much thinking. Now I have a headache. Or maybe I already was probed…