I know … such a bitchy way to title a blog post. Such a bitchy way to start anything, really; but I think we all have these lists. Lists of random shit that pissed us off this week.
Here’s mine. Is it anything like yours?
People That Act Like Life Doesn’t Suck a Big, Fat Dick
Yesterday I posted about these people that do the “I am thankful for…” Facebook posts. I don’t have anything wrong with people being thankful, but for God’s sakes could we please stop pretending like life is always a happy field of flowers and roses and unicorns puking rainbows, on which we slide down going “weeeeee” the entire way until we land in a pot of gold, that incidentally couldn’t have come at a better time?
Life is a pile of shit. Period, end of sentence. Sure, there are a lot of great moments within it. There are a lot of good things you get out of it – experiences and relationships that make it all worth it. But one of my favorite philosophers (Bertrand Russell) said that life is nothing but a morbid and miserable march toward death.
Can we please stop sugar-coating the challenges life presents for the sake of “remaining positive?” It’s OK to be honest and still have a good time amidst it all.
Premature Holiday Ejaculation
Every time I walk into a store and see that Christmas stuff is already all over the place, I think of a teenager with a premature ejaculation problem.
It’s disgusting. It’s a result of a lack of control. It’s a disorder.
I mentioned to the guy yesterday at Target that they had gone a little overboard. I mean the day after Halloween, the Christmas stuff literally took over the entire store. Do you know what that premature ejaculating teenage fuck said to me? “Oh … you just don’t want to have to do your shopping….”
Listen here you little precuming waste of a sperm, with your ear gauges and your flippantly ironic attitude: It has nothing to do with holiday shopping and everything to do with not wanting disgusting and opportunistic consumerism shoved down my fucking throat. By the way, I’ve already done all my holiday shopping, motherfucker. I might just bring it all back and shove it up your ass.
People That Won’t Shut Up About Politics
Seriously, people. The majority of people out there knew who they were voting for before the primaries even began. The rest of them have made their decision. The election is Tuesday.
Therefore, I kindly ask you all to SHUT THE FUCK UP. That doesn’t seem to work, though, so maybe if I say it a little louder:
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
The Post Office
You faithful blog followers remember how a few weeks ago the post office refused to send out my pumpkin bread, claiming it was a “threat to the security of the nation?”
Well they took it a step further by really fucking things up for me.
We’re having a Thanksgiving Open House in a few weeks and I wrote out these really nice invitations. I made those invitations by hand too – so we’re talking about maybe eight hours or more of work on my part.
I went to the post office to get the stamps and had them weighed. That snaggletoothed bitch of a postal worker said “oh, one stamp is more than enough” and then she sold me these stamps with oranges on them, that were Forever Stamps in celebration of the Chinese New Year.
They said fucking “Forever Stamp” on them.
Every single one of those goddamned envelopes got returned, with notices all over them. Half of them said that the Chinese New Year Forever Stamp was not a real stamp. The other half said they needed more postage. I should also mention, they were all mangled; in effect ruining every single one of the invitations I worked so hard to make.
Not to mention wasting all that money.
So what pissed you off this week, faithful blog followers? Any prematurely ejaculating, smart ass teenagers, or incompetent postal workers, in your neck of the woods?