Random Things That Pissed Me Off This Week

I know … such a bitchy way to title a blog post. Such a bitchy way to start anything, really; but I think we all have these lists. Lists of random shit that pissed us off this week.

Here’s mine. Is it anything like yours?

People That Act Like Life Doesn’t Suck a Big, Fat Dick

Yesterday I posted about these people that do the “I am thankful for…” Facebook posts. I don’t have anything wrong with people being thankful, but for God’s sakes could we please stop pretending like life is always a happy field of flowers and roses and unicorns puking rainbows, on which we slide down going “weeeeee” the entire way until we land in a pot of gold, that incidentally couldn’t have come at a better time?

Life is a pile of shit. Period, end of sentence. Sure, there are a lot of great moments within it. There are a lot of good things you get out of it – experiences and relationships that make it all worth it. But one of my favorite philosophers (Bertrand Russell) said that life is nothing but a morbid and miserable march toward death.

Can we please stop sugar-coating the challenges life presents for the sake of “remaining positive?” It’s OK to be honest and still have a good time amidst it all.

Premature Holiday Ejaculation

Every time I walk into a store and see that Christmas stuff is already all over the place, I think of a teenager with a premature ejaculation problem.

It’s disgusting. It’s a result of a lack of control. It’s a disorder.

I mentioned to the guy yesterday at Target that they had gone a little overboard. I mean the day after Halloween, the Christmas stuff literally took over the entire store. Do you know what that premature ejaculating teenage fuck said to me? “Oh … you just don’t want to have to do your shopping….”

Listen here you little precuming waste of a sperm, with your ear gauges and your flippantly ironic attitude: It has nothing to do with holiday shopping and everything to do with not wanting disgusting and opportunistic consumerism shoved down my fucking throat. By the way, I’ve already done all my holiday shopping, motherfucker. I might just bring it all back and shove it up your ass.

People That Won’t Shut Up About Politics

Seriously, people. The majority of people out there knew who they were voting for before the primaries even began. The rest of them have made their decision. The election is Tuesday.

Therefore, I kindly ask you all to SHUT THE FUCK UP. That doesn’t seem to work, though, so maybe if I say it a little louder:


The Post Office

You faithful blog followers remember how a few weeks ago the post office refused to send out my pumpkin bread, claiming it was a “threat to the security of the nation?”

Well they took it a step further by really fucking things up for me.

We’re having a Thanksgiving Open House in a few weeks and I wrote out these really nice invitations. I made those invitations by hand too – so we’re talking about maybe eight hours or more of work on my part.

I went to the post office to get the stamps and had them weighed. That snaggletoothed bitch of a postal worker said “oh, one stamp is more than enough” and then she sold me these stamps with oranges on them, that were Forever Stamps in celebration of the Chinese New Year.

They said fucking “Forever Stamp” on them.

Every single one of those goddamned envelopes got returned, with notices all over them. Half of them said that the Chinese New Year Forever Stamp was not a real stamp. The other half said they needed more postage. I should also mention, they were all mangled; in effect ruining every single one of the invitations I worked so hard to make.

Not to mention wasting all that money.

So what pissed you off this week, faithful blog followers? Any prematurely ejaculating, smart ass teenagers, or incompetent postal workers, in your neck of the woods?


  1. valknut8

    Middle of July, and ONE Dollar Tree store in Mussissippi had the fucking GALL to start selling Christmas decorations……

  2. erinkoske

    I’ll tell you what got my briefs in a bunch… The seamless endless amount of fellow motorists who refuse the courtesy wave! Ya know, when you generously let someone who’s inching towards the clusterfuck without the balls to accelerate… My pity for them steps on the break and allows them into the pileup, and they dance their “privileged” rat trap in front of me without “the wave”. Short of my vision of Kathy Bates in ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ ramming her car repeatedly into that prissy bitch’s Bug, I offer a finger…

  3. trjensen

    I think you would actually enjoy the “I am thankful fors” over on my fan page. Plus I suck big fat dicks to cure my boredom. 🙂

  4. alienredqueen

    Didn’t the Christmas stuff used to not get put out until after Thanksgiving (or is that just me confusing that with the rule at my house, which was no Christmas songs til after Thanksgiving?) One year I distinctly remember seeing Christmas shit before Halloween was even over! WTF?
    Ooh, and if I were you, I’d contact the supervisor of that post office and he doesn’t help, go in and dump everyone of those mangled invites on his fucking desk!

  5. journeyofjordannaeast

    My pseudo-boss pissed me off the last three damn days. I’ll be blogging about her pseudo-ness on Monday. Believe that!

  6. Connie

    Premature holiday ejaculation…..LOVE IT! I’ve hated for years that they always start with the holiday crap about 70 to 120 days before the holiday MONTH even arrives! Disgusting.
    And I also completely hate the post office.

  7. mango1531

    lol “Premature Holiday Ejaculation” best line ever

  8. Abby Rae

    giggle, giggle, hahaha….wait a sec…You have ALL your holiday shopping finished?!

  9. Andrew Stillman

    Sounds relatively familiar. Especially the holiday one. Easter doesn’t come in January. Christmas doesn’t come in August. Calm down.

  10. Dean Joseph

    I am scared to call you awesome in case I get b!tched at! Mine is that they threw my tasty hummus away at the airport. How can tasty hummus be a threat to National Security except for the smell?!

  11. Katie

    Totally with you about all the premature holiday stuff!

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