MWF Seeking New TTF

I wanted to do SWF, because that would sound more like that creepy Single White Female-movie with Jodie Foster correction: Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh (you are so right, Jeremy … I have no clue about movies). But then my husband would get upset and/or confused; and my mother in law would call. We would have massive levels of family drama and the gossip train would continue on down the rail line.

You know the drill.

So I stuck with MWF – Married White Female. I always look for MWF in the personal ads to see if anyone ever actually puts an ad in the personals when they are married. What would they look for? Friends? That’s sort of sad if you put out a personal ad for friends. I’m sorry if I just offended any of you faithful blog followers, I just think there would be better places to find friends – for example. I always thought that if anyone that was an MWF or an MWM or even an MBF, MBM, or any other designation starting with the Married, chose to put out a personal ad, they were looking for something kinky.

Kinky. Dirty. And nothing we want anything to do with.

So now that I’ve digressed for way more than I should have, let’s get to the point. I’m an MWF Seeking a New TTF. What’s a TTF you ask?

Trailer. Trash. Family.

Reason #1

My mom is the trailer park queen. She never used to be this way. No, she used to be normal. Pinafores and frocks and cookies at Christmas and shit. Then something snapped in her brain and she started digging at the bottom of the barrel for love, and other assorted frills.

We’ve discussed all of this before.

As a result of her being a trailer park queen, she inserts as much bullshit drama into every single moment of life as she can possibly manage. The most recent was that her hillbilly husband had skin cancer then he didn’t then he did then he didn’t then he was going to start chemo, now he doesn’t again. What’s the fucking truth?

Now she says she has some spinal problem that is going to require surgery before the end of the year. It all sort of came out of nowhere, and I’ll see her walking normally until she sees someone is watching her, then the acting and dramatics come out. She told me recently too that I haven’t a clue what back pain is like.

Have I mentioned I had spinal fusion for scoliosis when I was only 13? That was a 14 hour operation.

Reason #2

Over the years, my mom has poisoned her family members’ minds to believe that I am some awful person that lies all the time. It’s almost as if she is projecting her own issues onto me to them to create some weird, fucked up family drama.

When I was living with my boyfriend and he beat the shit out of me (and you faithful blog followers know I do not exaggerate – he beat the living shit out of me), my mom got upset because she loved him so much. So she told her whole family that I made the whole thing up and that he was just such a nice guy.

A couple years ago, we had a birthday party for Pookie and no one from my mom’s family came to it. She didn’t either, which was kind of messed up; but it was only later that I learned that the reason for this is that she hadn’t communicated it to anyone as she said she would. They hosted their own party – hours away, near my aunt’s house – and didn’t invite me or my husband. When we didn’t show (obviously, because we thought it was just a grandma day playdate), she told everyone that we were bad parents and just didn’t have the time to be bothered.

Sadly, those dumbasses are just as bad as her; so they buy into all of it. When I’ve talked to them about it, they’ve told me they have “allegiance” to my trailer trash mom. Nonetheless, I have continued to attempt to extend the olive branch. It’s hard living here and having no family of my own except my dad.

Well the olive branch can extend no more, after I got this comment this morning from my cousin, whose wife had already RSVP’d a simple “no” to my kid’s birthday party. (I should mention we have driven down to every one of their little bastard kid’s parties for as many years as I can remember):

“Maybe if you would show up once in a while for family events, we’d show up for yours.”

You don’t say? I seem to remember I just went to your ugly ass kid’s birthday party over two hours away just last month.

In Conclusion

Hillbillies are way overrated. For some reason they’re really into fightin’ and shootin’ and gossipin’ and lyin’ and trailer parkin’ and I’m just not really into that shit. If you are, cool. If you like to four-by, post videos of yourself on the toilet on YouTube, screw your sister, and other assorted things only the most hillbilly of all mountain williams do, far be it for me to stop your fun.

I really wanted to try and nurture this stupid relationship for the sake of being able to continue to see my grandparents, but then sometimes they act just as bad and nasty. I’m not sure what I’ll do about them, but in the meantime it seems that my trailer trash mom and her fucked up family have complete control over grandma and grandpa anyway at this point.

So I guess really it isn’t MWF seeking new TTF. Because the trailer trash part of that is a little much at this point. It’s MWF seeking new F. The F is for Family. Or maybe, because I do have a family, just thousands of miles away, it’s really MWF says FTTTS. The FT is for Fuck That Trailer Trash Shit.


  1. kultural yakuza

    Hilarious. Sorry you have drama, but if you had no drama than this blog would suck…so keep mining your life for material, I love your blog…

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thank you so much 🙂

  2. kultural yakuza

    Reblogged this on Kultural Yakuza.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Thanks for sharing!

  3. Enchanted Seashells

    I’m so sorry you were mistreated. That is just so wrong. Hope you have a good man now? By the way, isn’t what what twitter is for, to make friends for lonely old women like me who pretend they’re witty and cool?

  4. rich

    single white female was a great movie. but i thought it was bridgette fonda, not jodie foster. and one of them showed tits. hint hint.

  5. Peaches

    Oh I hope they read this. lol. You are braver than me. There’s a side of my family I’d like to tell a few things to…

  6. UndercoverL

    I think we are related. That whole line about “Maybe if you would show up once in a while for family events, we’d show up for yours.” is EXACTLY what my sisters say to me. My response is “I don’t show up because you are all bat-shit crazy, drama queen morons. Forget my phone number, my address, and my name. Fuckers.” (Geesh, I said the eff word.) I will be your family, girl. Still need to get drunk on wine (tried getting drunk on egg nog and ended up throwing in the towel after two glasses. That stuff is terrible). Call me. 🙂

  7. Words for Worms

    Bwahahahaha @ “Mountain Williams.” Delightful. Sorry your family sucks though. That sucks.

  8. Tracy @ Momaical

    Yes, but without all this drama and craziness – you wouldn’t be nearly as funny as you are. And, think about all the fodder for the follow up to your book???
    Tracy @ Momaical

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      SO TRUE! How in God’s name would I come up with anything to write about?!

  9. Connie

    I have come to despise the family drama on your behalf, and will immediately commence inviting you to become part of my family. We’re not Trailer Trash, but we have a lot of crazy, although I think it’s a good kind of crazy. 🙂 I have wine on hand, and we can always hide if it gets too much to handle. But I have to warn you I have a 12-year-old who fancies himself a ladies man, so he’ll flirt with you a lot and ask for your phone number in really corny ways. (i.e. “I lost my phone number, can I have yours?”)

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That’s awesome. Probably more flirting than anyone’s done with me in a long time hahahah

  10. Sue Diamond-Phillips

    That is miserable. MISERABLE. I cannot stand drama or liars, and fully hate it on your part for you. You are hereby invited to any and all of my family stuff. I’ll have wine, we can hide in my room and drink like we’re 15.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Aww, you are so sweet. I love wine 🙂

  11. Jeremy (@takeshikitano3)

    Perhaps instead of Jodie Foster you meant Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh?

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      You are so right. See how little I know about movies? Hahahaha

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