STFU Fridays: All Hail Herr Nietzsche

SMBC Comics
SMBC Comics

For those of you that haven’t caught on yet, I went to graduate school in philosophy. Yes, I am one of those people. I think a lot. By a lot I mean all the time. I took a little too much to heart the lesson in humility from Socrates, though, so I really do believe I’m a dumbass (thanks a lot, jerk). But I also believe that my education was far superior to anyone else’s, even though it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. (The old philosophy student’s joke was: What is the first thing a Ph.D. in Philosophy asks on the job? Would you like fries with that?) And for five years or so, I’ve been in a perpetual existential crisis. What does it all mean and all that high-fallutin crap.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about Nietzsche lately. For those of you that have no idea who I am referring to: (1) you for real need to wake the fuck up; and (2) he was a German philologist, one of the fathers of modern philosophy, and the dude had a whack mustache. Your Movember ‘staches and wanna-be Fu Manchu hipster shit has all got nothing on Nietzsche’s facial hair.


I will be providing further tutorial on Herr Nietzsche after we discuss this week’s Shut the Fuck Up. For now, let’s leave it at: the dude was pretty rad.

Now I’m getting ready for my kid’s birthday party. It’s in about a week (seriously guys, if it weren’t for Shut the Fuck Up Fridays, I would have no concept of day or time). All I know right now is that it’s turned into the event of the goddamned century.


There are going to be four little girls and a ton of adults there. It’s a tea party. Everyone is getting really dressed up. There will be crumpets. There will be doilies and tule. We will have three cakes and a cake table: a standing princess cake, a Cinderella’s carriage cake, and cupcakes.

And then yesterday we realized that the kids needed games to play. Duh, it’s a kid’s party. It isn’t just eat and go to them. So now we’re making games: pin the shoe on Cinderella, learn your tea party etiquette, and the coupe de grace of the event – the Cinderella pumpkin carriage piñata. (Which I am making.)


So Herr Nietzsche.

Yesterday I had to get the rest of the supplies I needed to make the games, finish the piñata, and so on. My mom called and said that she had a coupon for 40% off the entire purchase at Michael’s, and while I did want to avoid my mother yesterday, I couldn’t pass up on the deal. As we walked around the store, though, picking out the things that I needed, looking at the Christmas stuff, navigating the holiday shoppers, and grabbing impulse buys along the way, my mom went into this little tirade about how the birthday party was “too nice.”

“You’re going to make people feel weird with everyone dressing up,” she said.

“What, a simple Vons cake isn’t enough for you people?” she whined.

“I think you guys are acting a little pretentious with all the decorating,” she griped.

After some hearty thinking, I realized that her problem is she is jealous. She isn’t in charge of the party. She isn’t even throwing it – it’s being held at my mother-in-law’s. My mother has nothing to wear. My mother would have just gotten a Vons cake – to hear that I am baking the carriage cake, a family friend is baking the standing princess cake, and my mother-in-law is baking the cupcakes was just the icing on her own cake of inadequacy.

Now let’s not get all “oh, you are leaving her out…” because you faithful blog followers know that my Trailer Trash Mom is unreliable, a drama queen, and a total flake. Up until yesterday she said she didn’t even think she would be coming to the party – and this was before she heard about all the pomp and circumstance that would be going on.

Nietzsche had this idea that people deemed what was right and wrong in the world by whether they were a master or a slave. Without getting into too much verbiage here, the people that get angry and resentful when something is nice, that find fault in things they cannot do, are the slaves. They see those that can as masters; as their oppressors. Nietzsche says that they have to cut down the masters so as to feel better about their own slave inadequacies. My mother’s slave mentality spews from her constantly. If she can’t afford a nice gift, well then gifts are over the top. If she doesn’t have time to throw the party, well then the party is pretentious and shouldn’t be done.

Basically, it’s about cutting people down so that you feel better about yourself. To this, I say: shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up with your bullshit that the cakes should be Vons cakes. Shut the fuck up with this “if I’m not in charge, it shouldn’t be happening.” Shut the fuck up with your underlying resentment over the fact that you squandered away all your money and can’t afford a nice gift. Shut the fuck up with all of it.

I’m sure you faithful blog followers all have a slave in your life; perhaps you just haven’t realized that their bullshit, narcissistic, weakling viewpoints were really just a matter of being jealous that they feel inadequate in one way or another. I think a lot of people call it “those that want people to be as miserable as them.” They are the people that need to make sure everyone knows how much they disapprove of things being nice. They are the people that need to make sure everyone understands that they think nice is wrong for some reason or another (excess, gluttony, whatever). They are the people that would rather not show up for a party because they think it is “too pretentious,” when in actuality they just need to cut others down to size to feel better about the fact that they – themselves – did not throw such a party.

They all need to take a lesson from Nietzsche and shut it right the fuck up.

* * *

Now for those of you that not only need to shut the fuck up, but need to wake the fuck up, here’s a nice little documentary on Nietzsche. It’s shorter than an episode of Dancing With the Stars. And while I know that you are going to be very busy right now pinning photos of cute DIY projects to your Pinterest, and uploading 7,000 photographs of your celebrity crush to your Facebook page, methinks you would all benefit from turning that shit off, shutting the fuck up, and watching this video right now.

All hail Herr Nietzsche!


  1. rich

    i once had a 40% off coupon to Michael’s but it was only for custom framing. i thought for sure you were going to say that after you got to the register with a bunch of party stuff, you found out the coupon was for framing, and then you stabbed your mom in the eye with a glue gun.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahahaha, no it was for the whole purchase. That would have really pissed me off if I had found out it was for framing only.

  2. smoothreentry

    “Suppose you met a twisted, tormented young man and, trying to understand his behavior, discovered that he was brought up by a man-hating monster who worked systematically to paralyze his mind, destroy his self-confidence, obliterate his capacity for enjoyment and undercut his every attempt to escape. You would realize that nothing could be done with or for that young man and nothing could be expected of him until he was removed from the monster’s influence.

    Western civilization is in that young man’s position. The monster is Immanuel Kant.” ~ Ayn Rand

    I look forward to your posts!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh dear Lord, it was YOU who quoted Ayn Rand.
      1) Thank you for your comment. I love comments.
      2) Clearly you are intelligent enough to have smart-thinking conversation. This excites me.
      3) If you ever quote that crack pot again I will banish you to an island founded by her. Trust me, it would not be fun – she’s awful!!!

      Hahahaha 🙂

      1. smoothreentry

        I will try to keep my Rand quotes to a minimum. Especially when they are barely related to your posts. Sorry about that. 🙂

  3. Enchanted Seashells

    OK, done with the my kid is wonderful rant. I think you are the best mom in the whole world and this is from a mom whose kid is 31, and he remembers ALL of his special over-the-top birthdays and that’s all the proof you need that sometimes a Vons cake is NOT good enough. This is your Princess and when she grows up, she will do the same for her kids, so really you are giving a gift that will last forever. Screw the whole master/slave crap altho i am my son’s personal slave. He’s obvs the master. I don’t care. He still talks about his 5th birthday with a clown and everyone is his class attending, and his 21st when I bought him a star(really) and named it after him. So, chin up, girl–YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. When it’s all over and you’re gone (not to get maudlin, but whatev) your daughter will remember the LOVE. Enough from my serious self…let’s start drinking.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Awww … you are so sweet! Thanks so much 🙂

  4. UndercoverL

    I have NO idea what you are talking about at all. But TO HELL WITH TTM! (*Hand in the air making devil horns with pointer and pinky and banging my head*) On a realistic note, your mom sucks, Dancing with the Stars sucks, and your party sounds perfectly LOVERLY! I would totally show up and join in the pomp and circumstance. (Von’s cakes have used band-aids in them.) I will learn more about Neitzsche (including giving myself a spelling test on his name) in the next few days. *Hugs* and Happy Birthday to Pookie!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Hahahaha, Dancing With the Stars sucks more than any and all of the above!

      1. UndercoverL

        That’s a whole lotta suck for a program. Never seen it, but I am not tempted to either. I think I would rather go to the dentist.

  5. Enchanted Seashells

    Not to brag or anything–well, yes, I’ve earned the right to brag especially since I proofed every word of the 226 pages. My son got his Ph.D. in German Languages and Literatures from Yale. His dissertation is entitled: Erratic: Fictions of Movement in Goethe, Stifter, and Benjamin. He’s read his share of Nietzche too, and in German. He’s a post doc prof there, and yes, I win the award for MOST obnoxious mother, ever. I got my phd in it. OK, I’m done now. Sorry.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      That’s awesome, and I’m sure I would love reading his dissertation. I like them (I know, crazy…)

  6. alienredqueen

    I’ll admit (shame-facedly) that I do not know much about Neitzsche… but I think your party sounds awesome. Don’t let your Mom shit all over it. Your girl will love it and that’s all that matters! And you’re awesome for doing all this, and God willing, one day your kid will fully realize just HOW nice (and not guaranteed) it is to have a mom like that.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Did you watch Human All Too Human?

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