STFU Fridays: And the award goes to …


The other night we watched this movie called Goats. It was actually a pretty good flick, although the mother of the main character was into this New Age free-spirit thing. She did mental cleansing. She’d talk about her inner energy – very annoying.

That said, there was one scene towards the end where she was just screaming out all her anger and hostility and stress. She just screamed and screamed until she felt better.

Imagine me doing that now – standing outside in a hippy, New Age outfit. Screaming GO FUCK YOURSELF. This is called the B(itch)Log for a reason, right? Guh…

And the award for biggest a-hole of a husband goes to …

Is this the first time I’ve talked shit about my husband on this blog? No. Will this be the last? Probably not.

My husband started carpooling just under a month ago, and since he began the carpool has been … turbulent. By turbulent I mean that at least once a week (of the four days out of the week that they carpool), the woman is late. Her track record at present is extreme lateness 25% of this past 3 weeks. I have the text messages to prove it.

The most egregious has been when she showed up at 7:30 pm (instead of 6) to pick him up a few weeks ago; and, worse, yesterday when she asked him to wait from 6 until a whopping 8 o’clock at night to pick her up.

The reason why this makes him the a-hole, though, is that if it were something we did he would be all over my ass about it. He’d be yelling at me and arguing that I’ve done whatever it was I did wrong. If I had even requested him to go out of his way for me – it would be an offense worthy of divorce. But this bitch gets to just ride. I just don’t understand the complicated nature of being an editor. The demands on her – I should be sympathetic. She really is trying to get into a better situation at work!! He is just trying to save some money!! The Pookies should just accept the fact that he is never home.

Fuck. That. And shut the fuck up, husband. If people are not in a position at work to abide by some basic carpooling etiquette (the biggest one being the “five minutes or find your own ride” rule), then they shouldn’t be in a carpool. I understand wanting to save money, but that is only one part of life. If you cannot manage everything – you have no balance and your life is about as meaningful as the fly that has no reason for existing other than to die 15 minutes after it was born.

My life does not need to be dictated by a complete stranger’s career.

And the award for rude people who thinks their shit smells like daisies goes to …

People that do not have the common courtesy to graciously decline an invitation.

I mentioned in my blog the other day that we are having a birthday party for my dad – a surprise party. I was stressing the other day because quite a few people canceled their RSVPs, but then in the last few days quite a few more have said they are coming. It’s all evening out, but what isn’t evening out are the people that cannot even give the common courtesy of a “thanks for the invite, but we can’t make it.”

My mother in law told me a few weeks ago that common practice now is that if you say nothing it means no. That is SO FUCKING RUDE. What in the hell happened to a basic commonality of respect? We all know you opened the invite. You open mail when you get it, don’t you? You opened the email – Evite and Facebook told me so! Is this to say that your lack of response really means that you think you are too fucking busy, in your all important life, to just hit “reply” and say “sorry, can’t make it?!”

I’ve got news for you: rude, two-bit motherfuckers that think your shit smells like daisies. You ain’t all that. That’s right, I said ain’t! And that you ain’t it!! Get the fuck over yourselves! You are just as important as the rest of us (which, sadly, is pretty unimportant). Shut the fuck up with your pompous arrogance, and send a regret.

And the award for breeding stupidity goes to …

Apple! WHAT THE FUCK, Apple.

Imagine my brain this morning when I opened Safari to see they had launched their new “funness” campaign. That’s right, motherfuckers – you read that right. FUNNESS. As in a lot of fun, only in a stupid fucking word that doesn’t exist.

This reminded me of Gain’s Gooder campaign. Remember that bullshit? I contacted Gain and those fucking assholes responded that their customers liked the word Gooder. I bet they did, motherfuckers. I bet they did. Then the other day I saw a McDonald’s billboard that said their McFish bites are “epic-er.” While I’m sure the diarrhea those nasty little fish fuckers produce is epic, my eyes went crossed when I saw the word and I almost veered off the road.

Shut the fuck up, Apple! Stop making people stupid, advertisers! It is possible to be grammatically correct and still have a catchy ad. Dumbfucks.


Clearly I’m in a mood today. Everything is pissing me off, we’re going to be watching the Academies on Sunday (which always makes me angry with that gratuitous back-patting), and as I said before – I really am ready to go postal. I gotta’ get out of here. Get some air that isn’t filled with California smog and narcissistic tendencies. For now it’ll be a Valium. And some wine. I’m going to go have a Merlo-lium cocktail and shut the fuck up. You should too.


  1. kylemarcellus

    Ahhh there is just something about a rant that makes me feel better. I can’t almost breathe a sigh of relief after an explosion like that. *deep breath in……… and out. (Definitely feels better now)

  2. alienredqueen

    Dude, the day I had yesterday…this post reminds me of it. LOL. And your husband will just keep sucking it up til she gets his ass fired I guess… What would piss me off more (as the wife) is that this is taking time away from him being home, with his family…where he belongs…in the evenings.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Actually, it’s someone that just works in the same industry, different company though found through rideshare. It would have been more tolerable had it been a work excuse, but now it’s just some random person we don’t even know now causing even more strife in our family than was already there. Disappointing.

      I think everyone had a hard week…

  3. UndercoverL

    Did your ugly red-headed sister come visit today, too? I love the fact that we are almost on the same schedule. I pissed my husband off so much yesterday during a PMS tirade that I got him to scream that his ex-wife is a F#@%ing C@NT. Total PMS victory! And also, I am not pregnant again, so score, and eff these effers. XOXO

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Surprisingly she did not, I guess this is just my new natural demeanor hahah!! Thank God for not being pregnant though, right!!

      1. UndercoverL

        Absolutely! LOL Let’s hope you’re not…..? :S

  4. Enchanted Seashells

    i didn’t see funness. we don’t need no stinkin funness. stupid apple.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt


  5. Suburbia Interrupted

    I think you were just the mom from the movie, only in written form. This just made me smile and got myself into a better mood. Bitch on. I’m loving it!!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Excellent!! I consider this a license to bitch!! 🙂

      1. calahan

        “License to Bitch” would be an amazing James Bond film. Daniel Craig could be as sassy as he wants. “I said I wanted my martini shaken, not stirred. What do I get? I get a martini that is not only stirred, but tastes like you pulled the olive from the exhaust pipe of a semi. I am so not paying for that!” That movie would be total funness.

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