STFU Fridays: Party Season Is Over Just In Time For Bridal/Baby Season


So in the last six months we have celebrated: two birthdays (that I baked my eight hour cake for); an anniversary (that I baked another eight hour cake for); Halloween (homemade costumes); Thanksgiving (handcrafted party to avoid having to do much on Thanksgiving, only to be expected to do much on Thanksgiving anyway); one birthday (that extended into two parties); Christmas (three required family events, plus brunch hosted by me); another birthday (made a birthday dinner); yet another birthday (that extended into three parties); my mom’s birthday (that I didn’t plan on celebrating, but turned into me hosting 12 people for dinner when they all just showed up); and my dad’s 70th (surprise party, thrown by me). In the month of December, I contracted Influenza A (the H3 that was so nasty), and was sick for an entire month. In October my husband caused a car accident; in December he bought me a used car with the meager settlement and took my nicely running Yaris; in January I had to buy myself a rebuilt transmission for said used car after it broke down; last week I had to get a new cooling pump as well. On October 24th a very good friend of mine committed suicide (never got invited to the memorial, though); in January my husband’s uncle died (memorial was in February); and after three days of being in hospice with pneumonia, my first sweetheart – my grandpa – passed away peacefully (resulting in two weeks of funerary activities, culminated in two wakes, one burial, two memorials, a $500 trip to just south of Yosemite where he is buried, and at least five different times that I cooked a meal for a large group of family).

To say that I’m done entertaining and cooking for other people – amidst all the other common bullshit life has thrown at me –  is a gross understatement. I won’t even get started on the fact that my birthday is coming up, and my dad is having  hip replacement surgery – so either my birthday has to be celebrated next weekend when the kid’s home, or it’s not being celebrated at all. I’ll save the “I did all this for everyone else, and they didn’t do shit for me yet another year” rant for when/if it actually happens.

The annual clusterfuck party season is over in this house. I’m done making decorations. I’m done putting together costumes. I’m over baking cakes. And if one more person walks into my house with their shoes on – traipsing dirt all over my carpet – they will be receiving a visit to the throat with my five-fingered friend named Fist.

So it would appear, though, party season has ended just in time for bridal and baby season to begin. Let’s spend this Shut the Fuck Up Friday examining the evidence:

Weddings Are Being Talked About Everywhere

I have three weddings coming up this summer of close family members. Please don’t get me wrong: I am super duper excited for all of them. They are each cousins, and having been an only child, they were more like brothers and sisters growing up. They still are (to me, at least). And each of them couldn’t have found better partners in crime – I love all of them and am so happy for them.

But goddamn does wedding talk get on my nerves sometimes. For one, my wedding was the most bare-bones, low-key wedding ever. I still have mixed feelings about that, which means that sometimes when I see a Bridal Expo sign, or drive by the bridal shop down the street from my house, I cry. There was very little “what the bride wants – this is her day” at our affair. Again, I did enjoy the time with my friends and what family was there. There was a lot of specialness in it all, and yeah – it’s not about the wedding, but the marriage. But there may be a little jealousy there, because as with many things in our lives, a lot of our situation (beyond the wedding, itself) was just dysfunctional.

The other day I was talking to my aunt and mentioned that I had asked my cousin when her bridal shower/bachelorette stuff was going to be. She said “oh, she won’t know – that’s supposed to be a surprise!” I had no idea that a bridal shower or bachelorette party was supposed to be a surprise. Why don’t I know? Because no one ever threw me one. The closest thing I had to a bachelorette party was shortly after I got engaged, we went on a girl’s night out. Everyone said “this is your last night of freedom!” but it didn’t feel like it. There was no drinking. There was no dancing debauchery. There would be no tittie flashing and screaming “wooooo – bachelorette party!!” at my affair. No, we sat in a bar, awkwardly sober, while one of my friends (that I no longer speak to) dry humped a complete stranger on one side of our booth. I was home by 10:15.

We had our Catholic wedding a few weeks before my brother in law and Hello Kitty Toaster had their “Celebration of Marriage” and she was thrown a huge bridal shower by my husband’s extended family. After my girl’s night out, the closest thing I came to a bridal shower was being allowed to take notes on what gifts she had received.

Baby Belly Photos Are Showing Up In My Newsfeed

487659_10200438668384263_1494975773_nAnother set of people I am unequivocally happy for: the twenty-two good friends I have giving birth between the months of May and July (and the number keeps growing). Let’s start with a note: I didn’t even know that I had twenty-two friends. No shit. Now I do because they’re all pregnant – and again, I am so excited for them. I’m thinking about planning a day at the end of July to just go and visit every, single one of them. I already know what cute little outfits I want to get each of them. And I am super excited to throw a baby shower for one of them (the only party that I actually *want* to throw).

But dammit, ladies – cover up. I am very familiar with pregnancy. It makes me nervous. Childbirth makes me feel faint. Every time I watch those Discovery baby shows, I get short of breath. I don’t need to see naked belly photo updates. I’ll take the clothed ones – we can see your bump nicely under your Motherhood top. We don’t need the stretch marks and the belly button popped out. I further don’t need commentary on your constipation, or your milk leakage. I will celebrate your baby in all the ways you want me to – at your pretentious “gender reveal party;” at your ultrasound where eight of us are crammed in the room. I will “like” and comment on photo after photo of your many, many ultrasounds. I will even hold your leg for you, or hold ice chips to your mouth in the delivery room – I am that committed of a friend. But I can’t take the uglier side of pregnancy and childbirth. I won’t look at your vagina as it gives birth to life. I will not discuss your fire-y hemorrhoids that started as soon as the baby dropped. And I will not enjoy your gargantuan stretch mark belly pics.

Entertaining season, or party season, has officially come to a close in our house. But it looks like the party is just getting started. Do you have a party season in your house faithful blog followers? Ours this time around was particularly arduous, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that after it has all come to an end I am still left feeling that the world is completely off its axis since some very important people were lost during all of it. As bridal and baby season ramps up, we should all keep in mind that not everyone has the same experience as us. Some are better, some are worse. Being modest and happy for each other seems the best course of action.

But just know: if your pregnancy talk gets too detailed, or your wedding jargon is reminding me just how hard mine was for me, I reserve the right to tell you to shut the fuck up.

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14 Comments on “STFU Fridays: Party Season Is Over Just In Time For Bridal/Baby Season

  1. Do you get tired of my comments, Heather? Just want to say that you and I have even more in common than I originally thought. Two marriages= no bachelorette parties OR bridal showers. Four children= 2 baby showers (combined with one or more other pregnant women). Two sisters with 3 and 4 children= 2 thrown bachelorette parties, 2 thrown bridal showers, 8 thrown baby showers (all by me). That score card is shite. So were memories of both weddings which were low-budget and everything I never wanted. I didn’t even plan my second wedding. I was at school and my mother-in-law planned it in two days with my husband’s help. I am so right-there with you, girl. Another reason we should hop a wine-tour bus and get pissing drunk. You in? Let’s do it for your birthday because everyone in my life forgot my birthday last month (for the 12th year in a row) and we can celebrate together… I will even try to bake you a cake. Family and friends can be totally shite.

    • Never (get tired of your comments, that is)!

      Yep, the more I think about it, the more people I know that just got the shaft. It’s hard to live in today’s world, where everyone seems to be out for themselves and conveniently forget the ones that are most important.

      My husband just suggested wine tasting hahah!!

  2. I’m really sorry about the passing of your first sweetie and your friend. I’m also sorry you never had a bridal shower or bachelorette party. I had both. The latter I could have done without……it’s supposed to be a surprise – the shower at least and your friends are the ones who should be throwing that – not family – unless your family is in the wedding party – then they participate but your family should not be throwing the shower b/c your family asking for gifts on your behalf is every bit as tacky as you asking for them yourself…..
    In any event – you deserve a break, hell a full out vacation. Is there a charity for overworked, underappreciated, chix like us?

    • That entire etiquette makes total sense to me. Most of my friends and family are actually not local anyway, which was the ultimate reason nothing ever came to fruition. I do believe that if there is no charity for overworked, under appreciated ladies such as we, there should be one haha 🙂

      • I’m going to start hunting around for someone who can kick in some seed money…..first “project” that needs funding is a spa vacation for each of us!

      • hey – somewhere along the way someone planted the idea “what you think about you bring about” in my head….so why the hell not?

  3. None of the bridal showers or bachelorette parties I’ve attended or thrown have been surprises, if that helps at all? I kind of feel where you’re coming from on the wedding thing. With ours I was so over conscious about not being a bridezilla and keeping all the familial factions content, it wasn’t the bridal magazine affair I may have daydreamed about. But GIRL. You better have had a good reason for hanging out sober in a bar. When is your trip to Chicago? Chrissy and I may need to give you a retroactive bachelorette party, because A. yours sucked and B. The Bitch needs a drink. Or 12.

    • Sadly, I do not have a good reason for hanging out sober in a bar haha. Oh wait, I was the designated drive. Riddle yourself that one for a few minutes …

      I will be in Chicago from June 26th until July 22nd. Bloggie shenanigans will be had.

      • Like your other friend mentioned I too have a lot in common with you. Although I did get a shower and a bachelorette party, but the B-party was a not what it should have been let’s say. My birthday is often forgotten or passed on for better things ( Got a cake and a card the day AFTER from my husband – I felt SOOO special). Even with this baby some “family” are passing on going because they have better things to do (even though this is the first child in the family – maybe next time I guess)

        I have come to the new realization that the only person besides myself that matters anymore is my kid, I will no longer go out of my way to do anything for anyone…cause I am tired of being passed over for “something better”

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