8 Ways I’m a Bad Mom


I’ve been reading a lot about being a mom lately. It isn’t that I’m – like – researching it. It’s that a lot of people are writing about it. In case you all haven’t noticed, mom blogging is pretty much the cool thing to do right now. Anyone who has either dropped one out the vagina, become a stay at home dad, or in some way or another started mothering, is jumping on the bandwagon of blogging about parenting. Wee! Isn’t it great to have the opinions of many?

Okay, actually it is (within reason), because it makes us loser moms feel much less alone. You know us. We are the ones that don’t necessarily socialize with the other parents at the soccer matches. We aren’t always there with baked goods at the kid’s school Halloween party. We drink more than W. did during his tenure at Yale.

I’ve come to embrace my shittiness as a mother. I got to a point where trying to be the perfect mother was making me a little insane and intolerable to everyone around me. Who am I kidding, I’m still intolerable to everyone around me, and am waiting for my fitted straight jacket; but at least now that I’m not trying to be Mom of the Year all the time, I’ve lightened up a bit.

In any event, I’ve come to accept eight pretty glaring ways that I’m a bad mom. A super duper bad mom that will probably have some of you calling Child Protective Services…

#8 I sometimes serve Gerber meals to my nine year old

This isn’t often, mostly because I rarely buy the things. But every once in a while I know we’re going to be busy the next day, so I grab a couple at the grocery store “just in case.” Just in case always pans out, and now my nine year old is eating a toddler’s (or preschooler’s … they have preschool ones too …) meal with that fat baby’s head on the front of the package.

So I’m not talking about baby food, though. I’m talking about those meals with the pasta and the veggies on the side. They are super low cal, super healthy for any kid, and she loves them. She’d lick the inside of the little plastic plate they come in, if she didn’t have any manners that is.

I refuse to head to McDonald’s just because we’re really busy; and I also am not one to open a can of Chef Boyardi and slop it out. She just doesn’t like peanut butter and jelly like every other kid on the planet, so this seems my only option. Still, there’s something very odd about serving “pick me up pastas” to a little girl that may sprout boobs any day now.

#7 I rarely apply alcohol and Neosporin to minor scrapes

When did everyone start making such a fuss over minor scrapes and bruises? Sure, I’m a hypochondriac of the worst kind. I carry hand sanitizer everywhere. I have a “wash your hands when you walk in the house” rule. I don’t allow rides in shopping carts during cold and flu season.

But then I follow it all up by being as lax as possible when it comes to something like a minor scrape. Sure a cut will get some Neosporin. A burn will get some of that Aquafor ointment. Yet I see absolutely no goddamned reason why we should apply gobs of expensive antibiotic cream and half a box of Hello Kitty bandaids to a scrape I can’t even see without a magnifying glass.

#6 Unless we have a serious and immediate issue going on, I usually do two weeks of “wait and see” before calling the pediatrician. I also don’t believe in the emergency room for non-life-threatening emergencies

I think one of the biggest problems in America is that people go to the emergency rooms for back itches, elbow pain, crotch rot, and other various non-emergency situations. I further think that it is ridiculous for people to run screaming bloody terror to their pediatricians every time their kid sneezes. Get over it.

#5 I swear, a lot

Let’s be clear about this: I do not swear around other people’s kids. I don’t know if they teach their kids in the same way I do. And to be fair, I don’t drop the f bomb every other word at home, like I do on this blog.

But sometimes I do swear, and loudly. Fortunately, I have been able to teach that mommy’s using “big girl” words that “little girls don’t use.” It’s worked, so far. There are a lot of “hells” and “damns” and “shits” at our house, all of which come from me. And of course everyone sees my “Star of the B(itch)” certified star certificate, hanging in the bathroom. Sue me.


#4 I take out the vulgarity and all the talk about cooters from my blogs, and read every one of them to my entire family

Which means that when I read this blog aloud, this point will be entirely taken out.

So I am that mom blogger. The one who thinks her blog is so brilliant that the entire world should have it foisted upon them. I also think that my family gets great entertainment out of my blog (for whatever reason, I’m not sure what). It probably has something to do with how often I self-depricate.

#3 I throw away tons of schoolwork

Look. I’m not going to beat around the jon on this one. We homeschool every day of the year, all day long. That’s work sheets and art projects and science experiments and nature walks and more art projects and flash cards and more art projects and reading logs and coloring pages and more art projects. And even some more art projects, plus maybe a few more art projects for good measure. If I didn’t recycle the majority of the schoolwork either into the recycle bin, for Christmas presents, or to be used as toilet paper, I’m not sure where I’d store it all.


#2 I show my emotions

When my grandpa died in February, I cried a lot. I still do. I’m not one of those austere parents who’s going to hide their shit from their kids, thereby teaching their kids that emotions are things to be shoved into a bottle – only to be let out in occasional, explosive fits of rage. I don’t lay my drama on anyone else’s doorstep either, I just think it’s really important to teach kids that our emotions are a good thing. Even the bad ones.

#1 Sometimes I just don’t care

And herein lies the #1 reason I’m a bad mom, and also the reason you all relate to this post. Sometimes I don’t give a flip if Barbie is going on a date with Ken. Every once in a while, I could give two bananas what happened in your cupcake chapter book. On occasion, I don’t give a wad about what happened on Good Luck Charlie or Peppa Pig or  whatever the stupid kids shows that are ruining America happen to be big in our house right now.

Sometimes I just don’t care. I don’t say that I don’t care. I just don’t.

So there, I said it all. Call me a bad mom. Call me a horrible person. Tell me I’m a nasty ho who deserves nothing but to rot in hell (got one of those gems in response to a blog last week …). Notify the authorities. Do whatever you want, I know that where it counts I’m a good mom and with all this other nonsense I’m likely just a human being.

Are you a bad mom?


  1. GoodnessGracious

    Oooh you terrible mother… Thank you! I’m a new mom, well actually I’m 14 months into it but I still like to consider myself new at all of this. I’ve read so many blogs about milestones, what I should be doing as a parent and what my little guy should be doing. I admit I have a late bloomer and in all honesty my little guy is very complex when it comes to things he likes and doesn’t like. He is very sweet and picked right up on Daddys selective hearing gene lol (I even had his hearing tested out of fear of him being deaf…Which he Passed, thank God). Your blog made me think of my childhood and how my parents raised 3 kids without rushing us to the doctor for EVERYTHING and when we fell down and scraped our knee (with no visible blood) we didn’t get anything other than a kiss on our boo boo and picked up and sent back outside to play. Miraculously, that kiss was just the right medicine to make everything feel better. Now a days, I feel like people are too critical on other people’s children…. My mother in law being one of those. Sometimes I would like to tell her, nicely, to back the fuck off of labeling my child and let me do it my way. So thank you “horrible” mom, you truly are a great mom!

  2. Ang

    Thanks for your post. I am currently inside struggling with my thoughts of how terrible a mother I feel like I can be sometimes. Its nice to see it Nit just me some days as I do one more load of laundry and clean up one more puddle of pee!!! Bless you and all of us “real” mothers out there.

    1. Ang


  3. Christy

    You homeschool! WHAT! YOu are a SUPER MOM!! Worth more than any of the other bitches out there that make baked cookies and facebook pics of their children every five seconds!!

  4. C1rDVNP0UeRH

    894521 725679Some times its a pain in the ass to read what people wrote but this web site is very user friendly ! . 52536

  5. Jenny

    You are so full of it…you are as bad as the super moms of the world. The fact that you try to feel relevant by pointing out what a shit you are proves in and of itself that you care…which would make you a good mom! So ha…if you were half as bad a you say, you wouldn’t try to defend your lame self.

  6. Jenny

    You are so full of it…you are as bad as the super moms of the world. The fact that you try to feel relevant by pointing out what a shit you are proves in and of itself that you care…which would make you a good mom! So ha…if you were half as bad a you say you wouldn’t try to defend your lame self.

  7. mrsjakijelley

    Fantastic! 🙂

  8. UndercoverL

    I like the sh*t outta this because I am a f**king bad mom, too. I don’t give a sh*t most of the time. I read my own writing approximately 257% more than I read other posts… and I would read it to other people, too, except that I do not socialize with other people and my husband gives 257% less sh*t about my blog than Poor Nick does about yours (lol, girl). Also, I’ve had too much to drink and I am blogging from the wine bottle at this very minute. I don’t even think my kids have fallen asleep yet (but they have been bathed, brushed and bedded by yours truly). Rock on, bad moms of the world!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      One word: love.

      1. UndercoverL


  9. nannypology

    This makes you REAL and I like it. Maybe I should pick up a few of those “toddler” meals for this first grader in my care who refuses 95% of what I shove at her? Sounds like a solid plan to me.

  10. donofalltrades

    On dear, I love you. You’re a great mom it sounds like. Your kids will actually grow up with some balls and may even be missing the unwarranted sense of entitlement that so many other kids have for doing nothing. My kids like lunchables, but they’re expensive! I may look into those gerbers.

    My only beef with this is that I still eat chef boy r dee and what the fuck do you mean by your 9 year old may sprout boobs?? I have a 9 year old girl and didn’t sign up for that shit!!

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Oh yeah! At our annual doctor’s appointment this year, the pediatrician was like “nine huh? … wow, so some changes are going to be starting soon…” I almost had a stroke. She went home and cried for two hours.

      And confession: while I am not a fan of Chef Boyardi, I am a sucker for Spaghetti-O’s.

  11. Erica Miller Tollefson

    I always put off going to the doctor (mostly for myself, but for the kid as well). Last summer, the kid wasn’t feeling well. I waited. Even made him go out, thinking a little social activity might make him feel better. It didn’t. Ended up going to the urgent care- apparently, he looked so bad they wouldn’t let him walk in on his own, the lady at the desk actually got up and brought him a wheelchair! When I told the doctor he had been feeling bad for about 2 days, he got kinda pissy and asked why I waited so long. Umm, sorry doctor, I have an 10 year old son who is the biggest baby on earth, I thought he pulled a muscle when he threw up. The doctor called for an ambulance because he thought it was appendicitis. It wasn’t, but it was just as bad- turned out to be a ruptured Meckel’s diverticulum. Emergency surgery & a little over a week in the hospital. Fun times. Even after that mess, I’m still not going to be “that mom” that rushes to the ER for a runny nose.

    1. Heather Christena Schmidt

      Sometimes you just have to trust your judgment! That’s the best we can do, and I believe a lot of the rushers are people who do not believe in themselves. Diverticulum mess or not, you are a great mom for believing in yourself!! 🙂

  12. Xenogirl

    I am not nor do I have any intention of ever being a mom, but WTF is going on with this new Olympic sport of SuperMomming? Perfect parents will only make for annoying children and even more annoying adults who will require years of therapy to overcome their battle with OCD and self-loathing. Good for you.

  13. Kanerva

    Ditto The Cutter and let’s add normal / grounded to the mix 🙂

  14. alienredqueen

    Oh, that emergency room thing drives me nuts!!! When I am there, feeling like I am DYING from a migraine, it pisses me off seeing healthy looking people lounging around calmly. You better be bleeding, puking, or writhing in agony if you are in the ER…
    But, when it costs so much to go to a doctor and you can essentially “defer” immediate payment by going to an ER, I guess I know why a lot of ppl end up there.

  15. The Cutter

    Bad mom? Hardly. Realistic mom? definitely.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: