Heather Christena Schmidt

Is it just me, or is shit getting real up on Facebook these days? Maybe it’s because I’ve been “liking” more pages lately, so more of their garbage is showing up in my newsfeed. But then again, some of my friends have been putting some crazy things out there lately as well.

I think the world has gone even more insane. Funny, I didn’t know that was possible. But when I start reading articles like “Woman Has Placenta Turned Into Sunday Night Dinner,” I start to raise my eyebrow and wonder just what in the hell is going on.

I’m Serving Placenta For Thanksgiving…

So that’s the big one. Well, sort of. Apparently it’s becoming a real trend now to eat your own placenta after you give birth.

Now I can do fad diets. I don’t mean that I will actually do them; I mean I can tolerate the existence of them. I can dig paleo. I kind of get the whole gluten free thing (at least for some people). I think those whole body cleanse things are dumb, but to each his own.

But eating your own placenta? I certainly didn’t see that one coming.

I guess some lady had hers turned into capsules and she took one every day for a month too. And now there are cookbooks out there for turning your placenta into a tasty meal.

Let that digest for a moment (no pun intended). …for turning your placenta into a tasty meal…

How would you even bill that to someone? Oh yeah, come over for Thanksgiving! We’re having turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, placenta, muffins. What? Did I say something strange?

And how many different recipes could there possibly be that would warrant an entire cookbook? Is it that special preparation is needed? I assumed at first that a – I don’t know – professional may have to do it, since you are eating a part of the human body and all (cough…cannibalism…cough).

In any case, I shudder to think of how many placenta varietals there are. With bleu cheese, covered in sage butter, sautéed or baked…

Vomit.

… and I’m Not Shaving My Crotch For Movember

Okay, first off: are we all familiar with Movember? It’s a movement to get people to grow out their moustaches and raise money and awareness for prostate and ball cancer. My own personal opinions about awareness campaigns aside, it does raise funding that is much needed for men’s health.

Where I draw the line is when friends start posting things about how ladies are participating by not shaving their cooters.

1. I’m pretty sure that having the vagina of a 10 year old in adulthood (i.e. completely hairless) is just a relic of the porn industry in Los Angeles. In other words, I’m saying it may be a West Coast thing.

I don’t know. This is already making me uncomfortable.

The one time my husband asked me about whether or not all women do it, I had actually never heard (before then) that women did such a thing. I mean that I had never heard before that women shave or wax all the hair off their lady bits. To this day I still cannot grapple with just why a woman over the age of – I don’t know, 12 – would even want to look like that.

But I digress.

That being said, I understand keeping the hedges under control, if you know what I mean. To that end, I get this not shaving the crotcheral area for Movember.

BUT…

2. How exactly would a woman approach her family and friends to donate money based on how much crotch hair she grows?

If it starts to dreadlock, you will donate $100 to the Movember cause.

If it grows onto the side of my legs, it’s $200…

Are you as horrified by all of this as I am?

AND FURTHER…

3. How would this raise awareness?

The whole point of Movember is that all these men are walking around with visible moustaches. Now I’m no vagina scientist, but I’m pretty sure women everywhere will not all of a sudden start flashing their cooters to show off their “Muffvember” cause. (That, by the way, is what these bitches are calling it.)

Will they wear t-shirts?

Participate in vagina walks? What does that even mean?

PLUS…

4. This is vaguely reminiscent of breast cancer awareness on Facebook. Every year, I get an email sometime in October that goes something like this:

Okay ladies! We are REALLY going to fool the guys this time!!!!!! To raise awareness of breast cancer, we are all going to post on our Facebook statuses where we throw our purses down when we get home!!! Nothing more than that though, so mine would be – On the table! The guys will have no idea what is going on!!!! So cute and really supports a good cause.

What in the actual fuck is right, if that’s what you were thinking.

And really, what in the actual fuck to just about anything I’ve seen on the Internet this week. It isn’t just the placenta eaters and the crotch trimmers that are making things online just a little bit wacky. And uncomfortable. It’s the people that post conspiracy theories. It’s the horrible beaten dogs – donate to this cause – prayer request for this animal or kid with cancer posts. It’s the full page privacy notice that went around a few days ago, as if posting some bullshit on your Facebook status will actually secure your privacy.

It’s the influx of selfies.

People of the Internet! Cut this shit out already. I just want to log onto Facebook in between classes to get my online vaginal scientist degree, while the dog eats my placenta and I trim my vaginal hairs in peace. Is that too much to ask?