Heather Christena Schmidt

… SO ANGRY THAT I HAVE TO SCREAM IN CAPITAL LETTERS OVER THE INTERNET!

Whew! That made me feel better.

Now back to topic:

It’s the new year. 2014. Yippity frackin’ do. I’m so excited to see all the people join gyms and post their run keeper status updates on Facebook. I can’t wait to hear at the Super Bowl party about how my friends cut out carbs or how my family isn’t doing fruit anymore, or about how you just started a cleanse and have to sit uber-close to the bathroom (you know who you are).

I am just dying to hear about how fat you all are as you pinch a very small amount of skin on your arms. I am so excited to listen to you all go on and on and on about how out of shape and logy you have been, as I shovel chips and fat-filled dip and you talk about this being your new mission in life while I sloth away right next to you.

Because believe you me: no matter how much of a fat ass you think your size is, it will not change a single thing about how I feel about mine. Even after you start telling me about all the different diets you think I should go on.

I can’t wait. For all of this.

It’s just a few days into January. That means just a few days of phone conversations and Facebook posts and Twitter Tweets and Instagram inspirational quote pictures – or worse … Flipagram videos of inspiring skinny people.

Let’s get skinny!!!

Even in just a few days, it is becoming intolerable.

What I’m trying to say here is that with the new year, we – as usual – are seeing an influx of people trying to get skinny. New year, new you and all that nonsense. By “we” I of course can only speak for myself, but I am assuming that unless you are one of these asstastic-I-have-big-time-body-and-self-confidence-issues-idiots, then you are experiencing this too.

What is so frustrating about it all is this:

Healthiness is in. I dig it. I love being healthy and eating salads and taking walks and exercising with Richard Simons and making lean meats for dinner instead of burgers. And getting a full night of sleep. And taking my folic acid every morning and my eight glasses of water every day. And being able to walk up the stairs in my house without having to take a break. It’s wonderful!

What is not wonderful is the underside of it all. The darkness that believes that the path to healthiness is to ridicule the fat away.

I can’t stand hearing or seeing people fat shame. It is awful to see my family put their already-anoxeric dogs on a diet (I’m looking at you, sister in law). Horrified is how I feel when people idolize Jennifer Lawrence, and call her a hero, because she referred to herself as “chubby on screen.” Let us end this Lawrence obsession once and for all: that trick is not chubby. She is doing nothing but making chubby people feel like 400-ton bison that will one day need to be removed from their homes by Jerry Springer and a crane.

And I’m telling you right now: the next skinny person I see on Facebook calling themselves “a pig,” “fat,” or “ugly” is getting the big, fat delete (pun intended).

This is not how we want to be presenting ourselves, people – as hating our selves and the ways that we are. Come on already. Even if that is not what you are trying to convey when you use this language in these terribly damaging and toxic ways, it is exactly what you are conveying; and not just to me, but to others.

Most importantly, to children.

If you want to change your life, change your life. Stop talking about it and do it. Stop making excuses about why you want to do it, and just do it. The rest of us will be angry at you and your weight loss campaign much less if you just be a little less self-deprecating, and a whole lot more inspiring.