Life Goals Achieved This Week

I actually don’t have that many life goals.

I used to, but I either 1) achieved them already, or 2) gave up on them.

The big one I gave up on was graduate school and becoming a college professor. At one time, it was my only goal; now it’s something I have absolutely zero interest in doing. Every once in a while my mother suggests I go back to school, or asks when I am going back to school. I always respond by blankly staring at her, because really how many times do I have to explain this?

Really I think my absence of life goals at this point in my life has to do with that fortune cookie I got years ago that read: those who expect nothing never find themselves disappointed.

As pathetic as that fortune cookie is, it’s so truthful it stings.

So I don’t have many goals anymore. More I have things I would like to do, because they’d be fun or whatever. But if I don’t end up doing them before my untimely demise (because whenever I kick it, it’ll surely be untimely) – oh well.

Life is too short, and I have too much to value in my life now, to be constantly chasing dreams.

(I realize that this philosophy spits in the face of every pithy inspirational quote you have ever seen.)

This week has been pretty strange, though. I’ve done a lot of things – verifiably dumb things – that were they listed among my life’s goals and dreams, I would have a considerable number of check marks added to that list.

I finally offended someone over the matter of pizza.

I say some really shitty things about pizza in California to people. I mean that I am pretty surprised that I haven’t offended anyone up to this point over the matter of pizza – really, I am surprised.

When my in-laws and I tried a new pizza place in town last year, I told them I would rather lick the inside of my husband’s ear than eat there again.

I have brought my own homemade pizzas to a pizza party where the pizza was already provided because local pizzerias make me queasy.

I’m a jerk, and over a really stupid issue. I know.

But really…is pizza a stupid issue? If you’re from Chicagoland area, like I am, no. No, pizza is not a stupid issue, and never a laughing matter.

So my mother came over for dinner the night before Mother’s Day, for an early celebration. She asked what our plans were the following day, and my kids told her that among our other things, we had special ordered some pizzas from Giordano’s – one of our favorite pizzerias in Chicago, that just happens to ship frozen pies around the country.

Then the kids told her how expensive they were and my mother’s response (and tone) showed how clearly offended she was over the matter:

“Oh, well …I had a slice of pizza the other day for $5 but I guess that isn’t good enough for people who have $60 to drop on frozen food.”

Life goal to offend someone over the matter of pizza? Achieved.


My Boob Fell Out of My Tank Top At Staples

My body has been pretty weird lately. Awkward, maybe is the right way to put it.

And as a result of this awkwardness, I’ve been especially attached to my yoga pants, hoodies, and bra tank tops lately.

So there I was, picking up my copy and print order at my local Staples office supply store, and I dropped my keys on the floor. I bent down to pick them up and WHOOP – my boob plum fell out of my top.

The offending tank top was pretty small to begin with, and I honestly hadn’t been expecting to go anywhere that day. Fortunately, the guy ringing up my copy and print order didn’t notice as I quickly tucked myself back in while I stood back up.

Or at least he didn’t let on that he had seen anything.

Life goal to give up so much that body parts arbitrarily fall out of my slovenly clothing while out in public? Achieved.

I’ve Learned To Swallow Food Whole

I don’t know if I should be proud or horrified by this, but if I had a life goal to learn how to swallow my food whole – as in no chewing or silverware involved – well, then I have mastered this one. Oh, have I mastered it.

It started Monday night. My husband worked really late, and I was awake at about three o’clock in the morning after he texted me about how late he’d be getting home. Suddenly I realized that the reason I couldn’t get back to sleep was because I was starving – I mean I was so hungry I could have eaten anything… anything…

So I got up and grabbed a couple bananas, but was so tired I just wanted the eating process to be over with. Long story short, I unintentionally engaged in some pseudo-erotic, middle-of-the-night, whole banana consumption. My appetite was immediately satisfied and I was sawing logs within five minutes.

Then tonight it was time to make supper for myself and the kids, and we were all so hungry we could barely stand it. I went to make something quick (a box of some kind of quickie angel hair pasta dish), but it needed milk and we had run out earlier in the day. Feeling uninspired to cook anything but a throw-together box meal, we ended up desperately grabbing my purse and running out the door to go to In N Out.

By the time we got to In N Out, ordered our food, sat in the characteristically never-ending line, and got our food, my stomach was starting to feel queasy from having been so empty. So I took out my grilled cheese sandwich and scarfed it in about one, large bite.

Unlike the banana situation from Monday night, I was still hungry.

So the moral of the story is that were I to set life goals for myself at this particular stage, they would have to be pretty low brow. Don’t expect too much, or anything, because I clearly have little to give.

But it makes for a good story, right?


Countdown to 2016, Part One: Do Not Resolve To Juice Cleanse

7259b417c46c8da4e44301770bdd58b6New Year’s Resolutions are among the most irritating things to hear people talk about. Not only do very few people actually follow through on them, but it speaks of a particular type of sadness that there are those who legitimately need a holiday to do things they should already be doing.


The conspiracy theorist in me also wonders just how much of a New Year’s Resolution tradition is really nothing more than a deeply ingrained habit we have as a culture started by crafty marketers just trying to sell products. You can’t deny that gym memberships, health food companies, nicotine patch systems, investment companies, and other health-and-life conscious businesses make bank in the beginning of every year. Remember that article that went viral a while back about how women never used to shave their legs until the razor blade companies realized they needed to expand their market of customers? In the back of my mind this whole new year-new me crap seems sort of like that.

You may not agree with me, and that’s OK.

What it’s not OK to not agree with me on, though, are about some of your resolutions. If those still end up being the course you take later this week after my compelling argument above, of course.

So in honor of the coming new year, I thought we could do a little countdown here on the blog of things you should not resolve to. I’ve done this before in the past, but sure enough you people found plenty of more contemporary bullshit to replace resolutions of yore.

Here goes:

Countdown to 2016

Part One

Do Not Resolve To Juice Cleanse

I feel as though I’m stating the obvious here when I tell you that your body needs food to survive. Whole foods. Foods you actually have to chew. Chew-chew-chew, swallow, and digest.


And yet somehow, some way, in the last few years a group of people we’ll call Juice Cleansing Imbeciles seem to have lost their way on that one.

First and foremost, the Juice Cleansing Imbeciles are like the anti-vaxxers of health and wellness. Rather than actually read the articles, gather the statistics, and make educated choices, they just go with what sounds like the quickest and easiest way to remove “toxins” from their bodies.

They also believe in magical toxins that can’t be removed by – oh, I don’t know – their livers.


So before you casually join the Juice Cleansing Imbeciles as a part of your new-year-new-me resolution this Friday, consider the following:

  1. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  2. Your liver and kidneys already do a more-than-adequate job of eliminating waste from  your body. No really, empirically, statistically, scientifically… they do.
  3. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  4. When you turn whole foods into juice, all you are doing is eliminating the essential fibers from those foods. Now fibers are called essential because they are what is really needed to keep waste moving through your body. And they also have a whole host of other benefits from cancer prevention to positive heart health. When you remove those essential fibers from the equation, though, you’re left with a glass of sugar.
  5. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  6. The irony is that Juice Cleansing Imbeciles are often also the complete and over-the-top anti-sugar assholes. Being completely unaware that the type and amount of sugar you consume is what determines whether or not it is healthy for you, and obviously ignoring the fact that your brain actually needs sugar to function, these people claim that the best way to be healthy is to cut every last grain of sugar out of their diets. Except when they’re juicing, of course, because living off glass after glass of good tasting natural sugar water is totally fine.
  7. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  8. Juice cleansing has not been proven, in any independent study, to actually result in weight loss. Or, more importantly, any healthful benefits whatsoever. In fact, some studies have found that juice cleansing actually harmed the participants – from raised blood sugars, to malnutrition, to tooth decay.
  9. Did I mention that juice cleansing is bullshit?
  10. Juice cleansing makes you sound like an arrogant and pompous asshole, who interestingly enough isn’t only an arrogant and pompous asshole but is also a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how to science.


Look, if you like to have a glass of juice when you get up in the morning, or whatever you like to have your juice with, and you want to buy a juicer and make healthier juice than the canned or cartoned crap you buy at the grocery store, that’s fine.

But do not resolve to juice cleanse for some magical health benefits you will never realize. If you want to lose weight, increase your activity or resolve to eat a healthier balance of whole foods, with an increased intake of whole fruits and vegetables. If you want to remove “toxins” from your body, thank your liver and kidneys because they’re already doing the job, in most cases more than adequately.