Heather Christena Schmidt

Mom, first * Writer, second * Misanthrope, always

My dog and I have a disturbing relationship. We have best friends necklaces. Like real…best…friends…necklaces. Her half is on her collar. Mine is on a chain I wear around my neck. Both have the “in case I’ve been found” number on the back. I routinely and out of nowhere break out into serenades to my …

Continue reading

I was called an idiot over social media today. Facebook. Comments. Big surprise. I had commented on one of the hundreds of articles shared this week regarding the death of Cecil the Lion. If you don’t know what happened – i.e. you live under a rock – Zimbabwe’s, and perhaps the world’s, most beloved black-maned …

Continue reading

If you are a close and personal friend, or you follow me on any number of my social media outlets (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest – I’m a bit of an Internet whore), then you know I got a dog roughly two months ago. You would know this because my dog is basically all I’ve talked …

Continue reading

So when I first started blogging, I posted a blog called “Hello, Mr. Biglesworth…” It was a long time ago when I wrote it, and still one of my proudest pieces. In a nutshell, I was outlining – in a really silly open letter to cats – why I hate them. I guess I just …

Continue reading

Is that weird? I think it might be. I keep seeing all these commercials about what men should get their wives for Christmas. Get her diamonds, they say. Get her a kitchen appliance, they condescend. Get her gift cards to the mall, they suggest (as if I wouldn’t spend all my husband’s money at the …

Continue reading

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be an animal? Or a fish? A lizard on the desert floor; or a whale floating to and fro with your mouth open whilst millions of krill innocently find their way into your gut? I think about these kinds of things all the time. Here …

Continue reading