Mark Your Calendars

My next book is coming out, in exactly one week. One. Week. That’s seven days.

And since I’m posting this so late in the evening, many of you won’t read it until tomorrow, making that LESS than a week.

Exciting stuff, I know.

So at the mark of the one week countdown, I am thrilled to share with you guys my cover and trailer.

*scream*

So here’s the cover, and please be kind with regards the appearance of my almost-37-year-old face… I am tired and old, and having a toddler has worn me down.

And of course you can watch the trailer too, which is a sentiment to just how jaded I have become on the topic of trailers, in general:

And don’t forget you can get entered to win one of two swag bags with a copy of the book by playing along with my caption game over on Facebook or Instagram!

Sorry fellas, but I’m taken… (a video blog book trailer)

When you watch this video, you’re going to fall into one of two camps:

1) You will be a man and find yourself kicking yourself for not having found me before I met and married my husband; or,

2) You will be a woman and find yourself taking notes on how someone can be as glamorous and classy as I.

I’m just kidding, you’re going to think I’m a slovenly hillbilly with zero class and a complete lack of manners. If you do, the point will have been made.

For the record, I never realized this, but belching loudly is actually a really hard thing to do. At least for me.

Are you intrigued enough to watch the video?

Hurry up and watch before I lose my gumption and take it down. I mean the Internet is – like – forever-ever, and this is perhaps the most humiliating public display I have ever made, and on so many levels.

In case you missed the memo, I have another humor book coming out, March 1st. Prepare yourselves with this book trailer…

What Did You Just Call Me? – A Book Trailer

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Many people over the years have called me a bitch. I think that’s one of the reasons why I just went ahead and owned it, accepted it, and developed my blog moniker accordingly. Better to be the one calling myself a bitch, rather than let them have the upper hand with my feelings. Right?

Well, sort of.

Just as there are good witches and bad witches, there most certainly is a difference between a good bitch and a bad bitch. I like to think that I’m a good bitch; but to elaborate further about the whole matter of good versus bad, about my general bitchiness, or about what makes a person a Bitch with a capital-B would give away the majority of the intrigue to my new book. So we’ll leave it at this for now: many people have called me a bitch through the course of my life.

Including my husband.

So I wrote a book and it comes out on Tuesday, June 4th. It’s excitement-squared for me; hopefully you most faithful of blog followers are excited too. It’s a compilation of all-new material that I’ve been saving for a rainy day. It has pictures, comics, and I finally share the story of that time I found my mother’s box of Summer’s Eve.

A while ago I put out a call for videos to go into the the book trailer, and got an overwhelming response. For those of you unfamiliar with publishing and marketing a book, the trailer is rapidly becoming sine qua non to the overall success of a book release. Thank you to all those that submitted, and tried to submit; although some did have to be cut due to the quality of the video after it was transferred. Everyone that participated will receive a free, signed copy of the book once it is released and an acknowledgment in the text, itself. Now are you excited?

Maybe you will be once you watch this…

Buy My Memoir, Or Else I’ll…

… hunt you down and show you a picture of a cow giving birth to a pig.

Okay, I guess I’ve already done that now. Gross, huh?

… cry all day long until my screaming tears of pain and mental anguish are so loud the neighbors have me hauled off in an ambulance and a straight jacket for one of my routine stays in the local mental health facility.

Alright, that was how I spent my weekend.

So seriously, you people should consider buying my book. Here are all the reasons why:

#1: It’s a steal. You can get it either in paperback or Kindle edition; for $6.99 or $2.99 respectively. That’s less money than you’ll spend this week on hookers and blow.

#2: It’s concise and funny. It’s pretty short (125 pages), so a quick read. I like my books short. I think verbosity is a sin. Anyway, so a lot of my life has been a real shithole with absolutely nothing humorous about it. I left all that out, or rather I glossed over it with some fancy PowerPoint action. Maybe one day I’ll write a second memoir and include a supply of Prozac long enough to get through it. Until then, we’ll all laugh heartily through this one.

#3: I used the terms “whack off” and “jerk off” so many times I lost count. What is so tragic about this is it comes from the story I recount of when my mom gave me “The Talk.” I swear a lot in the book too, but it’s in a fun way.

#4: As if you didn’t already understand why I call my mom my “Trailer Trash Mom,” you will now learn exactly how she got the title.

#5: That voodoo doll I made for the book trailer and book cover may have real powers, and I could stick pins in it to punish you all.

(Okay, so I wrote “World” on it and then threw it in the trash, so we may all very well be screwed at this point.)

#6: I already added it to Goodreads so you can show up all your yuppy Goodreads friends with a quick and fun read to combat their 50 Shades of Shut the F Up, or whatever the hell that women’s porn book is called.

#7: Oh, did you actually want to know what the book is about? Well, I’ll let you be the judge, but it’s my memoir about surviving childhood by becoming a cynic, and navigating motherhood by embracing misanthropy. I think it’s sort of inspiring at the end because I talk about overcoming my mother. Inspiration is always a reason to buy something.

#8: I made this fancy book trailer for it.

#9: The last thing you want me to do is find that my sales from online and in-person promotion are so low that I resort to street-sales. Who knows what could happen when I wonder the dark alleys of suburbia trying to peddle my wares.

#10: It’s really easy to find. Just click the book cover here and buy it! And you can “like” it on Amazon, or even write a nice review too.

For the paperback version:

For the Kindle version:

(For some reason the two aren’t linked yet)

Seriously, though – you faithful blog followers rock my socks off. Whether you buy my book or not, I dig you all. But please buy my memoir anyway, or else I’ll …