Take Me, Ryan Gosling! Take Me Here and Now!!

ryan

I am going to be honest with you faithful blog followers. I really and truly had no idea what the whole hub-bub was about with Ryan Gosling. Sure he’s hot. He has that patch on his abs that makes a woman salivate. But I never got the whole “hey girl…” meme. I never understood what anyone was talking about.

Until last night.

I will be honest. After seeing The Notebook, I abandoned Gosling. As a writer, quite frankly I get offended by tripe and just about any book-made-movie by Nicholas Sparks is just that. The Notebook is crap. Cliche, overblown, under-realistic crap.

Last night, my husband and I were sitting around looking for something to do. We’re pretty boring people when there isn’t kid puke to clean up, or an ass to wipe (other than each others’ that is), so as usual Poor Nick suggested we watch a movie. Of course, I said “OK” and before even asking, he turned on Blue Valentine.

He said that it would be a sexy movie. A sexy movie that would put me in the mood. In spite of that, he had already started it, so I agreed. In the end, the movie depressed the shit out of me and sent me off to bed in sweatpants and with Kleenex in hand. Oh what a fucked up tale of romance beginning in a bad situation and ending in the worst situation possible that was; but let’s not talk about that.

Let’s talk about Ryan Gosling.

#1: Ryan Gosling Makes “Uneducated, Alcoholic Hillbilly” Sexy

In Blue Valentine, Gosling plays the older and younger version of his character; by older we’re talking four or five years difference. The difference in appearance is drastic, though; as I understand for dramatic effect. We’re talking a little bit of a gut. Widow’s peak. Raging alcoholism.

In other words, sexy.

Usually I rail on this blog about hating hillbillies. Alcoholic weirdos that smoke cigarettes, drink beer before noon, and have a constant stream of dirt under their nails are the very antithesis of the class and decorum this foul-mouthed lady considers attractive. Well now there is one exception and it’s name is Ryan Gosling.

It may sound messed up, but when Michelle Williams’ character was giving him a hard time about the fact that he drank beer at 8 o’clock in the morning, I perked up. The dirtier he looked, the hotter he was. Every time he had a cigarette dangling from his mouth, I wondered how amazing it would be to smell his breath. Creepy, huh?

#2 Ryan Gosling Turns Apathy Into a Term of Endearment

For me, the most heartbreaking part of Blue Valentine is that Gosling’s character doesn’t even know if Williams’ baby is his. She says she doesn’t know, and yet he marries her and commits to care for her and the baby as his own. Years later, we see that he has developed this unbelievable relationship with his daughter – one of affection and closeness that every father should aspire to – and he is perfectly content being a husband and father and nothing more.

Many would find that to be a sign of laziness. Apathy. An alcohol-induced lack of motivation, I believe that it really was a beautiful thing. I think Gosling’s character had it right – that work was a means to spend time with his family. That life was defined by those he loved and what made him happy was being with them. It was beautiful.

And it made me officially cross the threshold from hesitant viewer to “if this man was near me, Poor Nick would have to worry.”

#3 Take Me, Ryan Gosling! Take Me Here and Now!!

I’ll never forget when my cousin and I went with my mom to see First Knight in the movie theatre. He and I laughed through the majority of the movie simply because every time some sort of passion-infused moment was on the screen, my mother’s lip began to quiver. She’d grab her Kleenex, breath heavily, and try to get herself under control before the tears came a-streamin’. And then, there was a moment when Richard Geer was sitting in front of a fire with no shirt on. He was just sitting there – no romance or death or anything. Just sitting, warming up.

My mother wailed so loudly, the entire theatre turned to look at us. She cried for the remainder of the movie.

RYAN_GOSLING_1572640aI never understood that. I mean, my Trailer Trash Mom is pretty trashy and pretty nut-so 99.9% of the time, but what in Jesus Tap-dancing Christ’s name could make her wail like that? I never understood.

Then Ryan Gosling came on the screen half-naked in that hillbilly wife beater. The tears began to well almost immediately. The sex in the movie is actually at a minimal, although there is a pretty racy oral sex scene that made me feel a little faint. But just like with my mom, it’s the topless shot – not of Geer, of course. Of Gosling. Topless Gosling. Abs. That spot. I don’t know what it was, but I cried for about an hour and a half after the credits began to roll.

I think in the end we were lucky that we watched Blue Valentine at home. Had it been at the movie theatre, I would have been in front of others when I stood up and shouted “take me, Ryan Gosling…take me here and now!!”

This must seem weird to you faithful blog followers, though. I mean previously I’ve only reported crushes on weird old men and Hulk Hogan for the possibility of being pile driven nude. You know what would be hot? If Ryan Gosling played a wrestler in a movie. He could choke hold. Pile drive. Fist slam. Imagine the possibilities.

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My Crush on Conan O’Brien, and others

Today I learned something absolutely fantastic, and I now feel the confidence to come out with another of my own deep, dark secrets:  I am not the only person to have an insane crush on Conan O’Brien.

My marriage be damned, I have a lot of relatively atypical celebrity crushes.  Conan O’Brien is one of them.  While most of the people I know are gushing over those raging douches on Jersey Shore, and the likes of Brad Pitt, I stick to the underdogs who are rarely the source of celebrity swooning.  It isn’t that the “underdogs” aren’t attractive, it’s just that the people I generally swoon after are both attractive as well as intelligent, the latter not always appreciated by the general public.

Or possibly I’m completely insane.  I think we’ve established that is a very legitimate possibility.  Last week I admitted to you, faithful blog followers, that I have had a secret love of Wolf Blitzer (and most of the other major cable network news anchors) for some time.  Now, when my friend Erica posted on her Facebook this evening that she too has an unearthly crush on the red-haired comedienne, I am ready to come forward with not only my love of Coco, but all my celebrity crushes.

#1 Wolf Blitzer, Chris Matthews, et all

Maybe it’s because they raise their voices all the time on the television, or possibly because they know so much about the world and political theory.  Whatever the case may be, I have the hots for the majority of male news anchors on the major cable networks, with (of course) the exception of Fox.

#2 Conan O’Brien

I haven’t even watched his show for that long; possibly since he began on TBS about a year ago.  Nonetheless, most nights of the week I tune in to hear his musings on the world, his comedic banter with his guests and side-kick Andy, and delight in the sarcastic wit that bleeds through the show every night.

#3 Most of the young priests on EWTN

Am I going to hell for this one?  I spend a lot of time hanging out with my father and, as a result of his staunch Catholicism, we often find ourselves watching talk shows on the Catholic station, EWTN.  They are boring beyond belief, though, leaving me only one option to stay entertained:  find someone hot to look at.  Of course thinking that those young priests are hot beyond all reason is probably my straight ticket to hell.  Whatever, I think we all know I am going that way anyway.

#4 Gerard Butler

Do other people find this guy attractive?  I know he is something of a rising star these days, but every time I mention to someone that I have a celebrity crush on Butler, they look at me like I’m a complete moron.  In any event, he makes me swoon.

#5 Chris Hardwick

A few years ago, my friend Jeremy and I saw Hardwick’s comedy routine live in Hollywood.  We sat in the front row and at one point Hardwick leaned over and asked me if something was stuck in the microphone.  It was everything I could do not to say directly into that microphone “would you like me to have your babies?”  Hardwick – for me – is a matter of nostalgia, as well as his absolutely hilarious comedic style.

And last, but certainly not least #6 John Cusack

Again, does anyone crush on John Cusack?  I do.  I always have.  I think it has to do with the fact that his characters are always portrayed in the exact way I feel.  I don’t think I enjoyed him that much in Being John Malcovich, and I was absolutely disappointed that he participated in that Hot Tub Time Machine atrocity; nonetheless, I have always had a major crush on the man behind Gross Pointe Blank and High Fidelity.

The thing to remember about me, faithful blog followers, is that I am more attracted to the qualities of intelligence, wit, misanthrope, and sarcasm far beyond anything else.  I don’t “fantasize” about any of my atypical celebrity crushes, but were I to it would likely be a matter of getting into a conversation about some esoteric topic; or of exchanging witty banter on all things in the world stupid.  Nothing would excite me more than exchanging sarcasm with Conan O’Brien, or getting into a debate about political theory with Wolf Blitzer.  Nothing, faithful blog followers.  Nothing.