I Majored in Political Sexy

For those of you that have read my book, listen carefully in my blogs, or know me personally, you know I majored in political science my first go around college. Sure, I hate politics now and this blog is about as anti-political as it could get. But I’m still addicted to what is going on in the world of campaign signs and lawmaking. Why you ask?

Because I really majored in political sexy.

Joe Biden

When Joe Biden came out last night after Obama’s acceptance speech, looking like a kid in a candy store, it was all I could do to keep my clothes on. Goddamn, for an older man, Biden is hot.

He’s the number one reason I read The Onion.

Romney’s Sons

While I really and truly commend Romney for his gracious and honorable concession speech last night, I still wish he had kept his family up there with him. Why you ask?

So I could drool over his sons.

Bill Clinton

He can slip me his Slick Willy any day.

Man that was crass, and Poor Nick really deserves an “oh … poor Nick …” because it’s true.

Talking Heads

Most of you are aware of my insane crush on Wolf Blitzer. I bet you didn’t know about my additional crushes, though, on Chris Matthews and Lawrence O’Donnell.

I always tell people I prefer to watch MSNBC because they are usually the most accurate (which is true). But the real reason is because I enjoy staring at Matthews and O’Donnell for hours on end. Last night I went for a record eight.

I’ll never forget when I was still in college and looking for an internship. The first internship I signed up for was for Evan Bayh’s primary presidential campaign, based in Santa Monica. I was helping the fundraising coordinator for the area with miscellaneous tasks a few days a week, and got to go to my first event Bayh would be at within the first week.

That was my last day working for them. I didn’t get fired or anything; I quit because I thought he was so sexy. I wasn’t there to oogle his fine ass, I was there to learn. Years later, I realize I should have stayed. I mean at this point, the degree has done nothing more for me than raise my blood pressure and glue me to the television, while hating how it all plays out and growing more and more jaded about the electoral process altogether.

So I majored in political sexy. Did you?

By the way … don’t be a turkey and BUY MY BOOK! And if you want it signed, just email me for details on how to get that done and shipped back to you for free! Click here, buy book, woohoo!

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My Crush on Conan O’Brien, and others

Today I learned something absolutely fantastic, and I now feel the confidence to come out with another of my own deep, dark secrets:  I am not the only person to have an insane crush on Conan O’Brien.

My marriage be damned, I have a lot of relatively atypical celebrity crushes.  Conan O’Brien is one of them.  While most of the people I know are gushing over those raging douches on Jersey Shore, and the likes of Brad Pitt, I stick to the underdogs who are rarely the source of celebrity swooning.  It isn’t that the “underdogs” aren’t attractive, it’s just that the people I generally swoon after are both attractive as well as intelligent, the latter not always appreciated by the general public.

Or possibly I’m completely insane.  I think we’ve established that is a very legitimate possibility.  Last week I admitted to you, faithful blog followers, that I have had a secret love of Wolf Blitzer (and most of the other major cable network news anchors) for some time.  Now, when my friend Erica posted on her Facebook this evening that she too has an unearthly crush on the red-haired comedienne, I am ready to come forward with not only my love of Coco, but all my celebrity crushes.

#1 Wolf Blitzer, Chris Matthews, et all

Maybe it’s because they raise their voices all the time on the television, or possibly because they know so much about the world and political theory.  Whatever the case may be, I have the hots for the majority of male news anchors on the major cable networks, with (of course) the exception of Fox.

#2 Conan O’Brien

I haven’t even watched his show for that long; possibly since he began on TBS about a year ago.  Nonetheless, most nights of the week I tune in to hear his musings on the world, his comedic banter with his guests and side-kick Andy, and delight in the sarcastic wit that bleeds through the show every night.

#3 Most of the young priests on EWTN

Am I going to hell for this one?  I spend a lot of time hanging out with my father and, as a result of his staunch Catholicism, we often find ourselves watching talk shows on the Catholic station, EWTN.  They are boring beyond belief, though, leaving me only one option to stay entertained:  find someone hot to look at.  Of course thinking that those young priests are hot beyond all reason is probably my straight ticket to hell.  Whatever, I think we all know I am going that way anyway.

#4 Gerard Butler

Do other people find this guy attractive?  I know he is something of a rising star these days, but every time I mention to someone that I have a celebrity crush on Butler, they look at me like I’m a complete moron.  In any event, he makes me swoon.

#5 Chris Hardwick

A few years ago, my friend Jeremy and I saw Hardwick’s comedy routine live in Hollywood.  We sat in the front row and at one point Hardwick leaned over and asked me if something was stuck in the microphone.  It was everything I could do not to say directly into that microphone “would you like me to have your babies?”  Hardwick – for me – is a matter of nostalgia, as well as his absolutely hilarious comedic style.

And last, but certainly not least #6 John Cusack

Again, does anyone crush on John Cusack?  I do.  I always have.  I think it has to do with the fact that his characters are always portrayed in the exact way I feel.  I don’t think I enjoyed him that much in Being John Malcovich, and I was absolutely disappointed that he participated in that Hot Tub Time Machine atrocity; nonetheless, I have always had a major crush on the man behind Gross Pointe Blank and High Fidelity.

The thing to remember about me, faithful blog followers, is that I am more attracted to the qualities of intelligence, wit, misanthrope, and sarcasm far beyond anything else.  I don’t “fantasize” about any of my atypical celebrity crushes, but were I to it would likely be a matter of getting into a conversation about some esoteric topic; or of exchanging witty banter on all things in the world stupid.  Nothing would excite me more than exchanging sarcasm with Conan O’Brien, or getting into a debate about political theory with Wolf Blitzer.  Nothing, faithful blog followers.  Nothing.